51 Christian Friendly Words for Penis

We have noticed a lot of vulgar usage of the word “penis” on our site and social websites and would ask if you could please use one of the following Christian friendly words below instead. Also, please refer to our “vagina” article, so you can educate yourself on proper vaginal terms.

  1. Satan scepter
  2. God’s pinky finger
  3. Twiddle rompus
  4. Twaddle stick
  5. Flesh sword
  6. Rod of life
  7. DNA rifle
  8. Colorado spitting viper
  9. Master dangle
  10. Tadpole torpedo
  11. Life muscle
  12. Fleshy Roman spear
  13. Sin stick
  14. Johnson’s little fishing buddy
  15. Love lure
  16. Dwaddle vein
  17. Zulu chucking spear (this is for black people)
  18. Sin snake
  19. Squirt dart
  20. Malt-worm
  21. Puking flesh weasel
  22. Unmuzzled wagtail
  23. Beefy apple-Johnny
  24. Moses’ staff
  25. Pommel horse
  26. Fat-kidney bean
  27. God’s harpoon
  28. Tickle dangus
  29. Danish dizzy eye
  30. Henry’s knob
  31. Temptation wand
  32. Mister Thomas
  33. Roman pike
  34. Baker’s rolling pin
  35. Satan’s shovel
  36. Micheal’s short arm
  37. Secret lollipop
  38. Trap-stick
  39. Demon capped hankle (for non-circumcised males)
  40. Magic tobacco pipe
  41. Pan’s flute
  42. Cupid’s arrow
  43. Vaginal plug
  44. Venus ruler
  45. Oozing whistle
  46. Meat banana
  47. Gobble missile
  48. Tangy tart trombone
  49. City slicker
  50. Musky man candy
  51. Drizzle spout

Please add your own in the comments below

36 thoughts on “51 Christian Friendly Words for Penis

  1. Claire

    Negative = negative connotation
    Positive = positive connotation
    ? = neither or unknown

    Words for penis:

    Satan scepter – negative
    God’s pinky finger – positive
    Twiddle rompus – ?
    Twaddle stick – ?
    Flesh sword – positive
    Rod of life – positive
    DNA rifle – ?
    Colorado spitting viper – ?
    Master dangle – ?
    Tadpole torpedo – positive
    Life muscle – positive
    Fleshy Roman spear – positive
    Sin stick – negative
    Johnson’s little fishing buddy – ?
    Love lure – positive
    Dwaddle vein – ?
    Zulu chucking spear (this is for black people) – positive
    Sin snake – negative
    Squirt dart – ?
    Malt-worm – ?
    Puking flesh weasel – negative
    Unmuzzled wagtail – negative
    Beefy apple-Johnny – ?
    Moses’ staff – positive
    Pommel horse – positive
    Fat-kidney bean – ?
    God’s harpoon – positive
    Tickle dangus – ?
    Danish dizzy eye – ?
    Henry’s knob – ?
    Temptation wand – ?
    Mister Thomas – positive?
    Roman pike – positive
    Baker’s rolling pin – ?
    Satan’s shovel – negative
    Micheal’s short arm – ?
    Secret lollipop – ?
    Trap-stick – negative
    Demon capped hankle (for non-circumcised males) – negative
    Magic tobacco pipe – positive
    Pan’s flute – positive
    Cupid’s arrow – positive
    Vaginal plug – ?
    Venus ruler – positive
    Oozing whistle – ?
    Meat banana – ?
    Gobble missile – positive?
    Tangy tart trombone – positive?
    City slicker – positive
    Musky man candy – ?
    Drizzle spout – ?

    Words for vagina:

    Puff Pillow – ?
    Fish Cave – negative
    Baby Door – ?
    Eve’s Tunnel – ?
    Satan’s Doorbell (Clitoral muscle) – negative
    Reverse Blowhole – negative
    Skin Wand Scarf – ?
    Egg Crate – negative
    Bullet Wound – negative
    Sin Flower – negative
    Moist Camel Hump – ?
    Harpy Nest – negative
    Canker Blossom – negative
    Silk Barnacle – positive/negative?
    Flap Dragon – ?
    Clapper Claw – ?
    Birth Cavern – ?
    Flesh Wrap – ?
    DNA Catcher – ?
    Frothy Creek – ?
    Satan’s Trap – negative
    Sin Muscle – negative
    Folded Flesh Leaf – ?
    Harpoon Target – ?
    Slurpin’ Salmon – negative
    Devil’s Fun Slide – negative
    Ovary Hallway – ?
    Whispering Eye – ?
    Secret Fish Forest – negative
    Cat in The Hat – ?
    Sin Sliver – negative
    Devil Sponge – negative
    Baby Portal – ?
    Warm Potato – ?
    Snake Trap – negative
    Blood Sewer – negative
    Twaddle Dandy – ?
    Magic Crepe – ?
    Satan’s Rose Bud – negative
    Clack-dish – ?
    Neighbor of Anus – negative
    Pink Jello Box – ?
    Rank Weasel – negative
    Stripped Monkey – ?
    Front Business – ?
    Man’s Gift – negative
    Wizard Sleeve – ?
    The Liquid Slip – ?
    Fleshy Fault Line – ?
    Pink Velveeta Shell – ?
    The Pubic Pub – ?

    Tally:

    Penis:

    Negative: 8
    Positive: 20
    ?: 23

    Vagina:

    Negative: 22
    Positive: 1
    ?: 29

    The vagina seems to have far more negative connotations associated with it than does the penis. Likewise the vagina has far less positive connotations associated with it than does the penis.

    Why is this?

    Reply
    1. L.N

      Easy, Tyson hates women and thinks the female body is disgusting, while practically worshiping the male form. However, he feels extreme guilt in being hard-gay so occasionally he’ll say that organs given to us by God are evil.

      Reply
    2. Peter Parker

      The penis is more honest and less devious than the vagina with whatever is concealed inside it. And we know the story about Eve and temptation, Original Sin (coming from a vagina) and so on.

      Reply
      1. Claire

        Yet the penis is so often used to hurt women and children. During wartime, in the past and present, penises have caused almost as much damage as swords and guns.

        Reply
        1. Nicholas Tadmor

          Claire if that were true we would have dropped 2 tons of American penis on the Chinese to teach them a lesson instead of a Nuclear Bomb

          Reply
          1. Jesse

            Remember that one time we nuked the Chinese? Me neither. Because it never happened. Go read a history book. Preferably one not written 1,000s of years ago.

          2. Antichrist

            How much more uneducated can your community achieve?! Grow up and learn from real historians instead of a book that was written by multiple men who manipulated the tale and origins so much it is not even the original story any longer.

      2. Idon'tthinkanyoneshouldcareaboutmyname

        I beg to differ. If anything, men are known to be more promiscuous than women. If a penis is known as a “Temptation Wand” and a “Love Lure”, wouldn’t male genitalia be considered evil more than womens’ genitalia?

        Reply
  2. Stormie Manson

    Satan scepter
    God’s pinky finger

    So a dick is an instrument of both God and the Devil, while the vagina is an instrument only of the devil. Fuck, at least we can pick sides!

    Reply
  3. Gud Nooz

    Christwire, thank you for another excellent article! However, one of these names included a derivative of the ungodly word for one’s sin flower, so I think you should change that one.

    Thanks again,

    Mary. <3

    Reply
  4. Militant Negro

    The other night when I pulled my Twaddle stick out of my girls Canker Blossom, I had Dna all over my DNA Rifle so I went to the bathroom and washed my Flesh sword off in the sink.

    I walked back in and she worked on my Colorado spitting viper until it was ready for round 2. She took my Rod of life like a pro. That girl knows how to work a Master dangle!

    Reply
  5. Mel

    Wait is this for real? If it is then why on earth is there a circumcised penis picture when Christians are commanded to be INTACT!. I am amazed and appalled all at once.

    Reply
  6. Mama T

    This is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever seen. It gives Christianity a bad name and rates right up there with Mama Duggar being pregnant with her 20th baby!!!!

    Reply
  7. an adult

    If you are talking about a penis, call it a penis. Its only appropriate if you are using it in an inappropriate way. Grow up.

    Reply
  8. Rebecca

    Why are the anatomically correct names for the penis and vagina not Christian friendly? Have we digressed so much in religion that 10 grade biology is inappropriate to Christians. Get a real cause Tyson. Maybe if we taught our youth the proper terminology and values it might do more good than thinking up ludicrous names for anatomy that already have perfectly unvulgar names.

    Reply

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