Category Archives: Christwire Buzz

Kid Dies From Skyrim Marathon. Posted on His Facebook – Skyrim Marathon Sucide

Everyone laughed when I posted about how Skyrim is teaching our children homo erotic maneuvers and now that no one listened, not only are children hopscotching their souls to sin, they are now also in a new trend called “Skyrim Marathon Suicide”.

In the Facebook images obtained below from a gaming website called “geekologie.com”, we can see the sugar and carbohydrates binge one young man partakes in while playing Skyrim for 87 hours straight. You can see in the updates that his friends beg him to stop killing himself with oil saturated fats and lack of sleep, but the boy is to sucked into the game of demonic fornication and dragon masturbation.

If you child begs you to goto Costco and fill up on Doritos, Jolt Cola and high BMI causing treats, they might be planning a Skyrim Marathon Suicide.


This Is How You Advertise For A Safe Childhood

What happens when you make anti-drug PSAs about gaying? The below images are postcards for you to print out or use the html coding to post it on your Facebook and MySpace pages. The first step to removing gay, is to educate about gay. Together we can beat this sickness.

BEAT THE SPREAD, BY SPREADING KNOWLEDGE!

ATTENTION:
If you feel your child has dabbled in some gay, please contact your local church and schedule a counselling meeting. Most likely your child has been exposed via public school, video games or song and dance TV shows. Only your pastor or priest will know how to cure this demon that has enter your child’s soul.

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51 Christian Friendly Words for Female Masturbation

  1. Forcing moisture
  2. Rubbing the turkey wattle
  3. Ringing Satan’s doorbell
  4. Itching the fish goblin
  5. Making sticky
  6. Self stabbing
  7. Playing with the three finger penis
  8. Faking creation
  9. Dabbling the clam’s pearl
  10. Solo finger dancing
  11. Running circles around the flesh bump
  12. Playing vaginal sign language
  13. Finger painting the musky hitchhiker
  14. Hitting the speed bag
  15. Planting tulips
  16. Mining for the flesh diamond
  17. Stirring yogurt
  18. Tipping the canoe
  19. Dampening the soft pillow
  20. Plucking the peach field
  21. Secreting the blood gash
  22. Opening the escape hatch
  23. Kneading the dough ball
  24. Tickling the tangy turtle shell
  25. Downstairs Indian rug burning
  26. Smearing the swollen gush button
  27. Glazing the fish doughnut
  28. Poking at The Humpback of Notre Dame
  29. Polishing the drippy crack
  30. Dancing in soggy sin
  31. Ringing the throbbing bell
  32. Petting the sin knob
  33. Tainting the little princess
  34. Massaging the poison knot
  35. Feeling the hidden tumor
  36. Scrambling eggs
  37. Raiding God’s hen house
  38. Slapping Sally
  39. Hitting the old catcher’s mitt
  40. Flapping the meat nugget
  41. Flicking the blood bulge
  42. Climbing the furry beef dome
  43. Popping the headless zit
  44. Irrigating the secret garden
  45. Playing banjo
  46. Peeking behind the baby curtains
  47. Digging in your purse
  48. Whipping up underwear pudding
  49. Sending an urge telegraph
  50. Punching the meat eye
  51. North Dakota shake down

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts
51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation
51 Christian Friendly Words for butthole

REMEMBER:
Masturbation 51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation

Sam Tripoli Tries to Smear Fecal Falsehoods on to Christwire Via His Whore Filled Podcast

It is not a normal day here at the Christwire Headquarters without some left wing liberal, marinated in sin, who fornicates with foreigners, tries to mock our most Holy Word. This week’s pipping piper is a man by the name of Sam Tripoli, who is a half rate comedian who plays shows at the famously hepatitis filled clubs like The Cat House, The Viper Room and the Chucky Cheese in Pasadena.

When Tripoli isn’t whoring himself out for drink tickets, he runs a Podcast called “Death Squad”. Each week he and his coke cane using friends sit around and talk about porn, beastiliaty, wine tasting and where to score the cheapest cracked coked cane on the Sunset Strip. In the link below, you will be sent to a site caked with gluttonous sin and will be exposed to vulgarity that would even make Satan shed a tear. Also, be prepared to be tempted by the devil whore porn star that they have in studio. She tries to use her “enter me anywhere” voice, in hopes of making you have urges of frenzied demon whacking of your sin snake.

Listen to the show (Fast Forward 21:13 in)

UPDATE: We hear Tripoli (Sounds Terrorist), is friends with gay UFC fighter, Joe Rogan.

FREE CHRISTWIRE HANDBOOK CONTEST: WEEK ONE

CONTEST: WIN A FREE COPY OF OUR CHRISTWIRE HANDBOOK.

1. Post a comment on our Facebook page. Our Holy Facebook Page
2. Have your friends vote for you by posting under your comment.
3. Person with the most votes at the end of the week wins a FREE copy.

Good luck and God bless!

“I’m the anti-ChristWire.” –Howard Stern

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“In the world of ChristWire. . .the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage.” –New York Magazine

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51 Christian Friendly Words for Butthole

  1. Anus dumpster
  2. Sewer hole
  3. Demon tunnel
  4. Chocolate spoke
  5. Sewer spout
  6. Fecal Cavern
  7. Mud goblet
  8. Crumpled swamp
  9. Brown gremlin air hole
  10. Feces muscle
  11. Taint’s vomit hole
  12. Fly yogurt dispenser
  13. Musky mumbler
  14. Homosexual’s harpoon target
  15. Satan’s stink eye
  16. The Harlem exit
  17. Grandmother’s syrup volcano
  18. Whistling black man
  19. Bruised bagel
  20. Back door belly button
  21. Michael Moore’s mouth
  22. Pudding blowhole
  23. Dribble dangus
  24. Neighbor of taint
  25. Black banana gun
  26. Gassy yawner
  27. Chocolate hot dog hallway
  28. Squinting scat squinter
  29. The rude sneezer
  30. Corny harvester
  31. The dirty cyclops
  32. Birther of turd
  33. Human tree ring
  34. Flesh donut
  35. Winking brownie door
  36. The angry hot pocket
  37. Backwards vacuum
  38. Lincoln’s log maker
  39. The drunken jazz player
  40. Monkey’s ammo pouch
  41. Dirty starfish
  42. Human fudge pincher
  43. Rusted Star of David
  44. Yoda’s forehead
  45. Wonka’s waste chute
  46. Sin socket
  47. Mouth of ass
  48. Quivering mud daisy
  49. Doo-doo cannon
  50. Excrement ejaculater
  51. James Brown

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts
51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation

You can also watch Bryan Blake’s “Christian Phrases with Bryan Blake”:
vagina
penis

Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How to Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers?

What is Skyrim?
If you are a responsible parent, then the world of MMORPG first person shooters should be something of a foreign language to you. In games like Skyrim, players are teleported to far away lands that are cream filled with demonic spell crafting, violent shirtless blood shed and exposed not only Satanic critters, but bombarded with gay under tones of fecal fornication.

In the land of Skyrim, the player starts off as a captured terrorist, who has been caught plotting to destroy the golden empire by using dragons. Before the player gets to take control of his avatar, they are asked to create a character, which is purely the liberal’s way of teaching out kids that modifying and gender changing one’s self is fun and normal. Once the player has decided if they want to be a female wood fairy or an black ogre from Stormwind, they get to take control of their hell spawned fictitious demon.

Right off the bat, the gay supporting software company Blizzard, shows the player images of decapitations and after the third of forth head chopping, a necromatic dragon appears and sets the player free from righteous punishment. Now that the player is free, they will spend the next 400 hours robbing people, killing villagers, crafting sexual items, fornicate with elves and other Harry Potter style animals and also learn how to conjure up black magic.

Throughout the game, the player is exposed to full frontal violence and replay style death killing finish moves. The graphics of this game are way too realistic for the type of blood shed they ejaculate all over the player’s CPU monitor.

The spells the player are taught are directly out of The Book of Wiccan and are far more dangerous than anything your child is watching on that Wizards at Waverly Place and Sabrina The Teenage Witch. When a player casts a spell, you will see the hand gesture is that of how homosexuals fling devil DNA juices at each other after a long night of fecal frenzy ass assassinations. This is subliminally teaching your children that they need to go in their rooms, demon whack their sin staff and produce sin milk into their hands and than fling it in the face of the first person they come in contact with after their taint tugging session.

Once they player has finish killing all the people in Skyrim, his final battle is to have a mass dragon orgy with his fellow homosexual warriors he meets on his way and all take turns impregnating the dragon with homosexual dragon eggs. Once the dragon has been backdoor feasted, the player must kill it. The dragon needs to be killed, so the spirit of death and gayness can enter the new eggs and reek havoc onto the rest of the world. This new destruction will be playable in the next Skyrim saga.

SKYRIM LINGO: DOVAHKIIN – Is the supposed citizens of Skyrim, but is a code word that means:
D – Dirty
O – Orifice
V – Violation
A – Always
H – Hurts
K – Keep
I – Injecting
I – It
N – Naiant

How Would My Child Get Access to Skyrim?

If your child doesn’t have the money to buy this game, be sure they are spending countless hours watching their bitttorrents download massive amounts of band widths to illegal obtain this demonic grail of violent dragon porn. Be sure to inspect all of their friend’s houses. Anyone of the evil axis of consoles; PlayStation 1,2 or 3, Gamecube or XBox 360 Live Kentic, could be lurking in one of their households.

If you do learn that one of your children’s friends doesn’t have proper parents and allows them to play on such vile machines, make sure your child knows that by playing with this friend will go against God and would send his soul to the fire pits of Hell.

What Gay Thing is This Gaming Teaching Kids

Skyrim Jobs – Skyrimming is a street term the gays use when talking about applying their tongues to the outer rim part of another man’s sewer spout, while that man is being hung upside down. See the gays have weird fetishes and are close to Satan. Satan speaks to them and tells them news ways on how to experience demonic orgasmic sin. Satan has recently taught our fecal fisting bandits that if you hang each other upside down and let the blood rush to the head, the anal dumpster becomes more sensitive to touch and we all know gays wake up and fall asleep just day dreaming about sticking something up their own or someone else’s sewer hole.

If you notice your son has become more light headed around the house, this is a definite warning that he has been Skyrim jobbing.

Dragon Fisting – Dragon fisting is a new way the gays enter each other’s mud goblets with both of their hands. The difference with dragon fisting, is they make sure to grow their nails very long and once inserted into their low t-cell counted friend, they make a tickling movement with their fingers and sends their mud monkey buddy into a demon infused enticement of gay rage.

Make sure to inspect the length and smell of your children’s finger nails on a daily basis.

Icy Spear – The Icy Spear is the name of an actual weapon in the game of Skyrim, but on the gay streets, it is where a gay freezes their meat banana with ice cubes and than forcefully injects their partner’s demon tunnel with their icy flesh spear.

If you notice that you never have ice cubes in your freeze, be sure that your son is freezing the anal caverns of other men in the neighborhood.

Stats

Christian Rating

51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation

  1. Demon whacking
  2. Choking the flesh weasle
  3. Forcing devil DNA
  4. Self milking
  5. Yanking the doodle’s dandy
  6. Flogging Hector
  7. One handed spear cleaning
  8. Drilling for white oil
  9. Taint tugging
  10. Kindling Satan’s wood
  11. The demonic stroke
  12. Polishing the muzzle
  13. Richard’s death choke
  14. Mother’s fear
  15. Non-fetal Abortion
  16. Angering the cream volcano
  17. Sin spanking
  18. Shaking hands with the false prophet
  19. Phantom fornication
  20. Cyclops puking
  21. Self raping
  22. Steven Erwin snake grab
  23. Clasping the tadpole torpedo
  24. Rubbing the venom vein
  25. Making Jesus cry
  26. Hasty hand groping
  27. Agitating the candy sacs
  28. Musky lumber jacking
  29. Fishing with Peter
  30. The silent sin
  31. Solo jousting
  32. Punching the elephant trunk
  33. Making heathen stew
  34. Polish pickle polish
  35. Smacking the Bishops sandwich
  36. Liberating the German soldier
  37. Bleeding the rooster
  38. Liquefying souls
  39. Wiggling the necromancer
  40. Marinating in sin sauce
  41. Making dead babies
  42. Painting with dark magic
  43. Sour cream wiggle
  44. Adding milk to your coffee
  45. Riding the subway solo
  46. Purging kid froth
  47. Playing with the finger puppet
  48. Vacuuming the do-dad
  49. Krazy glue shuffle
  50. Making a tablespoon of Holocaust
  51. Sending your mother oozy hate mail

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts

REMEMBER:

Mexicans Now Use Kittens for Illegal Fight Games

Mexican’s have an odd way of making money from useless things. A few examples are, selling tortillas with butter, hot sauce dipped fruit pits and lemon dust. A Mexican’s main source of American income is usually lawn work or they will make money using chickens to fight in a gladiatorial style back ally blood bath. Here Mexicans will bet their garden money on which chicken they think will win.

Now that The American government has been cracking down on Mexican rooster battles, the shifty handed weed whackers are now using kittens in a WWF homosexual type cage match. Since there is no real laws banning two pussies smashing each other in a physical manner, the cops have their hands tied until they can get a bill passed that will allow them to crack down on illegal pussy kitten fights. Below is a video showing the violent matches.

How to Properly Tip a Waiter

Money is the root of all evil and this darkness is very prevalent in the food industry. Food servers who are too lazy to make something of themselves expect you to give them money after you just spent your own hardworking dollar on a nice dinner for yourself. This is almost a form of begging, minus the tarnished hands and dark colored skin. So, instead of giving into the liberal suggestion of tipping a minimum wager 15% of your meal’s total cost, we have created something more valuable than the all mighty American dollar….a prayer for salvation.

In the image below you can see that we leave our money grubber a “$10 tip”. When they see it they will most likely start thinking about all the pots they can buy after work or maybe think that they can start saving up for some kind of demonic violent game like Assassin’s Creed or even Portal 2 for their XStations. When the dead beat quickly grabs for the money, he will notice that it isn’t cash and will start to inspect it. Once flipped over, they will notice that what they are holding in their hand is worth more than all the gold in Fort Knox. Here, we have given this waiter a pathway to Jesus’ heart and into the lead them down the trail of eternal salvation.

Scientist Develop Gay Repellent Powder

What is it?
American valued scientists have developed a powder that can tame the gayest of homosexual from having fecal raping urges. The powder has a chemical that tranquilizes the homogay gene found in the modern day ass ass-assin. The chemical has been dubbed “Moral X” and has been tested in gay hot spots like San Francisco, Lincoln, Nebraska, Dallas, Mexico City and Rio during Carnival.

How does it work?
Simple sprinkle a generous amount of the powder on your rectal area and the scent of morals and Christian values will repel any homosexuals from trying to frolic into your brown daisy. This will keep your safe from gay anal attacks for up to 12 2hours. If you plan on visiting an area that is classified as “liberal friendly”, you might want to reapply the powder ever 4 hours for maximum protection.

Is it safe for children?
Even if it isn’t safe for children, I rather lather my son up with a gallon of this than having a mumble anus having a fecal frenzy on his untainted sewer hole.

Rating
Anything that keeps the mud monkeys out of the pants of kids and adults, gets a 5/5 from me. Now only if they could make a powder that keeps liberals out of Government.

He Said She Said TV Can't Get Enough of Christwire's Holy Word.

The flaming fecal assassins at He Said She Said can’t seem to get enough of Christwire’s Holy glory and influence. Week after week these two banshees of debauchery keep subliminally inserting our message into their TV show. We think after last week’s on air drugging of Bryan Blake, they have had a change of heart. We feel Bryan’s holy presence did a number on their souls and they are secretly trying to tell their audience to stop being gay and turn their sinful backsides into Holy followers of God.

Blacks Release "Raps Snacks" to Brainwash White Youth

Deep within the ghettos of America, hipped hopper drug slangers are working on consumer products that are marketed towards young white kids. Black record dealer owners, know that 86% of their record sales are from the blue eyed race and they know if they could market other products to children, they could capture another source of revenue to fuel their cracked coked caned habits. Their latest product, Rap Snacks. These ghetto bite sized snacks are branded to make you kids feel like they are getting the same foods as, Lil’ Roman and all the other “Lil” rapped hopped artists. It makes them feel like they are a part of the street gang struggle and allows them to get a taste of a welfare lifestyle at the cost of 200 calories.

With ever bite, your child will become more sassy and less motivated. They will develop a “chicken head” attitude and start “dissing” his moral values.

Once kids get hooked on these chips, they will want more ghetto-tastic flavorings. Next it will be Tupac Popcorn and than Will.i.spam cans. Once they have been sucked in so far into this black hole of despair, the next step will be black ghetto street drugs and prostitution.

Here is an example of young black attitude from last night’s X-factor. As you can see, the “Lil’ Astro” has the “I deserve everything cause I’m black” attitude. This is what you can expect when your children get sucked into a world of thuggery.

Black Friday is Racist and Needs to be Changed to White Friday

Black Friday, what a racist and inaccurate phrase. This term makes the day sound like something horrible is going to happen, like finding out your Harvard Law niece just got knocked up by some black kid who goes to some trade school, like Mount Ida. Black Friday doesn’t have a holiday cheer tone to it, nor does it make me want to go out and spend donation money on family gifts. No, it makes me want to stay at home and watch old black face movies and have a day full of laughs.

Let us get some hard facts straight, blacks don’t spend the majority of the money on this Friday, if we were going to name it after the lowest race of shoppers, why isn’t it called Mexican Viernes? The day should be called “White Friday” and stop this lying nonsense that blacks are the reason for great deals and bargains. Not only is White Friday the proper terminology, but it also sounds a lot more joyful and pure. I think more people would go out and shop if they knew that the day of hot savings was in honor of all the cash buyers and not the layaway loaners. Just like neighborhoods, the value and community productivity goes up when it is occupied by more than 97% of whites. I think the value of shopping would go up if we make this simple change.

Yes, we might of had the White House named after all of our race’s great achievements, but that doesn’t not mean we can be knuckle waffled and not get credit for dumping the most cash into the busiest shopping day of the year. Now, if they want to name something black, name it “Black First of the Month” or “Black Monday”, because everyone is their laziest the first day back to work. So this year, let us give some proper holiday cheer to the people who make sure that corporations make a nice profit during the holiday season and rename “Black Friday” to “White Friday” or even ‘Porcelain Friday”.

19 Things Occupiers Should Really Occupy

  1. A real degree
  2. Bar of soap
  3. AIDs test
  4. Non-fitted jeans
  5. Self respect
  6. Morals
  7. A job
  8. An original idea
  9. Jesus
  10. A country that is not America (preferably a Socialist country, where they openly kill their own people)
  11. Oncoming traffic
  12. A sense of reality
  13. Real American values
  14. A 2400 calorie diet
  15. A budget
  16. Heterosexual lifestyle
  17. An understanding of basic economics
  18. Chlamydia vaccine
  19. AA

Lady Gaga Prances Around With Sperm on Her Head

It should not shock anyone that Lady Gaga is the biggest devil attention whore in the world, who is always dressed in some kind of anti-God and anti-American fashions.

In Gaga’s latest kindergarten created outfit, she is displaying a large pink man tadpole plopped right on top of her head. This is symbolizing that she thinks we need to spend money on penile to female research. She is trying to spread the word that women should be able to get a operation (covered by insurance of course), that allows women to get a fully function twiddle rompus attached to their bodies and be able to produced science created babies. You can tell how excited she is by supporting this just by looking at he hardened milk nipples.