Coachella Festival Will Now Be Two Weekends of Man Butt Horseplay and Heroin Drugs

Not long ago we warned the American public about the vile and drug filled rave festival known as Coachella. We told you about the dangers it played on your daughter’s baby orifice and how your sons are being enticed to do hits of ecstasy and shooting up their veins with riddlin. It has been reported that the amount of STD cases caused by last years Coachella festival was 1 in every 4 attendees and that the festival was populated with orgies tents and naked masquerade sin docking parties parties.

So instead of taking our warning, you parents just sat their as your daughters engage in mouth sex acts and became pregnant by some Obama voting hipster. Your sons where tainted with the sins of homosexual butt play and drug induced self “m-ing” drum circles.

Well, if you thought last year was bad, next year’s moral raping will make the holocaust look like mere child’s play. Coachella plans to host two back to back fun filled weekends, packed with man butt horseplay, lesbian wet t-shirt contests and secret friend bi-sexual sex orgies.

This year is guaranteed to have enough acid pills to send 10,000 elephants on a magically journey to the land of flying care bears and talking dinosaurs. Not only will there be a copious amounts of funny candy, but the dark magic sex parties are already the buzz on the streets and on emo Twitter pages. Their minds will be filled with liberal propaganda by bands like Morrissey, the North Korean transvestite band, The Secret or how about the pro-abortion cry baby, Bright Eyes, whose stage name is about the look in a babies eyes when it is being sucked out of a girl’s baby hole with a Dyson vacuum.

Did you like all the photos of you young daughters drugged out after a disco rape session being posted on flickr blogs and Twitter profiles? Did you like it when the world had WordPress dairy entries of your son being dillied by interracial gay couples in their sewerhole? This is nothing compared to the deviant actions that will be going on next year. Did you laugh when you learned your daughter had an onsite abortion sponsored by Plan Parenthood? How did it feel when you had to take your son into the doctor to get his flesh sword cured from hippie herpes or even gay bowel disease?

Don’t come crying to God when you son or daughter ends up missing after attending this rave or if they end up dead after a Kings of Libra moshpit party. Anything that happens to your children at this festival is not just Satan’s fault, but you will also share the blood on your hands. There is nothing holy about letting your kids partake in heroin induced drug orgies.

34 thoughts on “Coachella Festival Will Now Be Two Weekends of Man Butt Horseplay and Heroin Drugs

  1. August Weisz

    That sin meter is “off the chart” as the teenagers would say.

    That level of sin is unimaginable. We must find a way to get sponsors to boycott this festival so it will go bankrupt before next year.

    1. Zach G.

      Is the person who wrote this actually being f*cking serious? I haven’t laughed this hard at an article in a very very long time.

  2. Dylan Jeffries

    Re: Bright Eyes… The name of the band comes from a late night classic film, Planet of the Apes, in which Dr. Zira calls George Taylor “bright eyes” as a term of endearment. It has nothing to do with abortion.

  3. Scott

    This is the most hilarious article I’ve ever read!!! Thank you for putting a smile on my face on this seemingly dreary Friday.

    ‘God Bless’

    …. Man-butt horseplay… Hilarious!

  4. Hannah

    Not only is this the most narrow-minded article I have EVER read in my life, but the grammar is horrendous. Perhaps if you take your penis out of your man’s horseplaying butthole for long enough to be able to learn some proper grammar, you will also learn a thing or two about the world. And using the word “rape” freely and incorrectly to describe what is actually nothing but fun is disgustingly inappropriate considering that many, many women and men have actually been raped, especially the boys in your catholic churches. I think it is YOU all who will be condemned to hell, not the people who go to a music festival to, shockingly, ENJOY THE MUSIC.

  5. Open Minded

    Hello. While I understand that you posted this article to get hits on your website, I am truly amazed that some people have and will take your word for this.

    I have been numerous times. I have no sexually transmitted diseases. I am a college graduate. I have a full time job. And I would never compare a music festival (no matter how bad I thought it was) the the holocaust.

    I hope you understand that most points are invalidated when they are compared to the Holocaust because it shows clearly that you have little to no understanding about the subject your are discussing or the history of the world.

    I will enjoy this article, not for its truth and honesty, but for its blatant and utter falseness.

    I invite you to come next year and see with your own eyes rather than make judgement hidden behind your computer screen and keyboard. Show yourself. Be seen.

    Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful weekend.

    1. Adam Nelson

      You are some sort of liberal legweight, are you not? You are trying to talk kids into going to this show and doing drugs and induced wizard orgies. Bryan Blake provided us live footage from the last show and we saw the carnage first hand. I speak for many others when I say this is all terrifying and I gladly support getting this Coachella fest exterminated.

      1. TokioHotel.BOTDF.Lauren

        If you caught your mother masturbating you would probably hand her over to these demons and let them stone her. of course you would support it’s extermination. Next you’ll be telling me that I need to die because I go to Blood on the Dance Floor concerts and Black Veil Brides concerts and sometimes, when life gets to be too much, cut. I’m already going to hell for attempting suicide on more than one occasion, so guess i deserve to live it up. and who is to say god is real. how can we know a true god’s mind. you do know the new testament was written by pagans, right?

        1. Granita Plyant

          Gulp, gulp, gulp! Still sucking on the sweet teat of the depraved and tragic.

          There is light to be led to you yet, if you’re willing to accept Jesus Christ into your life, belie this pained conformity to sinful strife, and let go of the hipster gothic make-up motif.

          Jesus said it well himself, “And you would do well to follow suit” Corinthians 5:16.

          Blessed be!

          1. TokioHotel.BOTDF.Lauren

            Hipster gothic make-up motif? really? I’m happy to be myself right now. And in my view, God has never been there when I needed him. Who was it that talked me off of my roof when I was going to jump? My gay best friend. Who was it that gently took the gun out of my hand when I was about to blow my brains out? My gay best friend. Who was it that stole my razor and child-proofed my room so I couldn’t seriously hurt myself? Was it a member of our church? Oh no no! It was my gay best friend. And so, even if I could some how gain forgiveness for attempting suicide (slit my wrists a tad too deep) according to these ideologies, neither I nor my friend are ggoing to heaven, so in the words of Avril Lavigne “What the hell!”

  6. Granita Plyant

    Sweet Sodom and Gomorrah, what a sad sack of individuals to be waving about their glowsticks and capsules of GHB instead of clutching steadfast to a crucifix and cup of holy water. Know you well that our Boys Choir sits in the House of the Lord, not on seeded seat of the sinful.

    Blessed Be!


    1. Bekka

      Where the hell do they hide such close minded people like yourself? I have no problem with your right to believe in what you want, but when your pushing your beliefs onto others I find that rude and disrespectful. I personally find you ridiculous, and a bit brain washed. Freedom within limits are fine. Free Love and Peace!

  7. Sarah

    It is truly disheartening when I read material like this. This particular article irks me for two reasons: One being that I am a christian who believes in love and compassion, and two being that I am a Broadcast Journalism major with a peeve for well-used grammar.

    This article deeply lacks both things. Did God not say, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and “Love thy neighbor as thyself” ?

    Tyson Bowers III, it is people like yourself that make it extremely difficult when I try to explain to non-believers that christians are loving, compassionate, and simply want to see their friends and family live in the same happiness, as well. For someone who is disgusted with the sin you have assumed this concert festival to be, you have looked past the layers of hate and sin that this piece contains. God does not want us to hate anyone but Satan himself.

    With that being said, I will leave you with these verses:

    Matthew 7:1-5
    “(1) Do not judge, or you too will be judged. (2) For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (3) Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (4) How can you say to your brother ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? (5) You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

    1. TokioHotel.BOTDF.Lauren

      lmfao. hahaha. god was my co pilot till i hit the eject button… now it is andy six sittin right there, tellin me everything is gonna be fine. And i got dahvie vanity standing behind me saying Fuck the rest, we the best!

  8. Lucifer

    This can’t actually be a serious website right? It must be satire, right? Also, if you are going to write ignorant drivel like this, then at least use spell-check.

  9. Jeremy

    Complete Satire!! what a funny article! Kings of Libra?….lol. The funny thing is that i got more blowjobs at youthgroup than i ever did at a concert festival. Just saying.


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  11. Andrew

    The fact thatyou compared a popular music festival to a mass genocide discredits any and all credibility you may have. I can’t believe such intolerance. Especially coming from a man whom grew up during the woodstock era. It amazes mgr how you can sit here claiming to be a righteous christian while ay the same time ding nothing but judging americas youth for participating in “the holicaust” Get an f%ing clue. I mean is this really what america needs to be concerned with right now? Its not about the drugs and the “mouth sex” as much as it is s need to blame the youth on problems that were implemented by your previously reckless and wild “hipster” generation…and stop hating on obama. He had les to do with this than the holocaust. To some this up in one word….IGNORANCE.

  12. smartguy

    To me it sounds like you are the one who is working for the devil… trying to condemn people and create false thoughts in others heads. That is exactly what the devil did to Adam and Eve!


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