Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Most Likely Will Die.

What is Coachella?

Coachella is a concert event for neo hippies, naked beer drinkers and drug addicts. Each year the event grows in numbers and so do its cases of rape, murder and cases of teenage runways. No were else are so many drugs taken, orgies performed and victimaztion of America’s young daughters.

Take a look at what happen to Kings of Leon when they played Coachella. Satan himself entered the body of their lead singer.

What Goes On?

Drugs, rape and music. What a perfect combination! The festival is a huge mask to make it seem like it is about music, but it is only about sex. Boys use drugs to make girls pass out or to make them not have the ability to fight back while they are performing a gang rape on them. The music is to cover up any type of screams or cries for help.

Graphs and Statistics

Since 2006, we have be conducting a serious of tests to find out some hard proof of what goes on at the festival of liberal brainwash and the results are shocking. Parents, please understand we only show you these things, so you can take control and bring your children back to the Lord.

This graph shows how many cases of STD contractions happen at Coachella Fest.

Online Graphing

Be warned! Your daughter maybe having a lot of unprotected sex at this concert. Here is how many females got pregnant during this music orgy.

Online Graphing

Photos of Your Daughters Dressed Like Whores and Hippies

Girls are pressured and sometimes forced to dress up and walk around like little $2 harlot whores and guess what? Your daughter has been spending the past few weeks looking for the most shortest part of shorts and the most see through and open top shirt, so she can expose her milk sacs to half brain dead drug addict boys.


Why Your Children Will Most Likely Die

With the amount of drugs and rape, your daughter or son has a large chance of dying from a drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, sex game gone wrong accident or be murdered by a Ecstasy induced wizard.

Just remember the chance of your baby contracting a STD during Coachella is increased by 86 percent -/+ 1. Also, if you daughter is at the festival already, there is a good chance she has already performed mouth sex acts on atleast 4 people and has shown off her milk sacs to an uncountable number. Now imagine if you could stop that?


We have just been told Coachella is also sponsored by Plan Parenthood!

Bryan Blake has entered the lion’s den:

Bryan Blake is taking photos as he walks around the Coachella:

Walking in front of traffic with no care for cars

Stealing shoes from Target

Wearing UNDERWEAR in public

Brooklyn Vegan has posted a photo of a BABY left on a table backstage!

591 thoughts on “Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Most Likely Will Die.

  1. August Weisz

    Wow, those are shocking statistics. I can’t believe this event is even allowed to take place. I see it takes plays in the desert southwest. Probably many a drug mule or Mexican tunneler will use this event to sneak into our society.

    1. adriana

      You’re an ignornat human being. Actually you ALL are compelely retarded. There aren’t rapes, orgies or anything of the sort at the actual festival. Its a music festival. A MUSIC FESTIVAL its about MUSIC and ART.
      People like you need to get a clue and stop being so clueless. There’s a lot going on in this world that isn’t all evil and sin.

          1. jayman

            All of you should consider living in the now! Worry about the after life “After Life”
            Seriously Stop jugging people it just shows that you are ignorant and have no life so you must judge others.

          2. suzanne graham

            u can’t speak to people with that tone or such christian-speech – why would they listen? why would such words make them pause and consider your faith?
            contemporize — speak innocently and kindly.

          3. cassiusel

            If Heaven is a place full of people like the author(s) of this article and the sad people who believe its contents to be “truth” then I DON’T WANT TO GO CUZ THAT PLACE IS SCARIER THAN HELL!

          4. Coachella Rocks!!!

            Wow, you are so brain washed,by people telling you that there is a God out there. Get a grip on reality there is no god. Live your life to it’s fulliest potential, have fun! Why should you be controlled by some one who does not exsit. P.S. this is a fake site so I suggest that you stop taking it so seriously.

          5. tim

            Lets be honest with one another you all know that religion was created and was not the start of existence. Its blatantly obvious through thousands of years of evolution that humans evolved and were not “created” yes this site is not real and if it was .wow. but its doubtful. We live and we die and what we do during our lives should not be hindered due to someone elses feelings of religion. Do what makes you happy but remember moderation is key.

          1. Aiwaz

            I raped only when the harlots weren’t throwing themselves at me during orgies, or when my stash of drugs were running low. After the rape, I would make the harlots turn tricks to replenish my drug stash. I didn’t see any music all weekend. I ended up having sex with every female Caifanes fan, before calling la migra on them so I’d have more room to rape and intoxicate myself during the festival orgy.

          1. WTF_BVBarmy_SGTC

            haha i don’t know if this really IS a fake…these people seriously act like it’s not. But hey…trollin’ this site is kinda fun…

            and i’ll c u in ur Hell or whatever…cuz I’d rather not go where the authors of these articles think they’re going.

        1. jon

          sorry, but it’s not satirical enough. I like fake news and satyre, but this site is too much near of what thoses real kind of christian believes. it’s just not funny this time.

          1. Jeff Trenkle

            LOL! This is too close to what a real Christian believes? LOL There are two kinds of Christians. 1) apocalyptic ‘christians’ are manipulated by people with the Bible to believe the World, and everyone in are screwed and they care about nothing other than being saved… 2) The other kind of Christian appreciates the posterity of a man who loves everyone, and tries to remember to do the same… I think might have confused a real one with the apocalyptic.

        2. NIxc

          Onion is Humorous, this site is trolling. Get the fuck out of the net! Just read the comments and you’ll see how many people take it seriously.
          You could also say that Manson was joking too, peeps just didn’t get it.

      1. Lenea

        yeah i agree with you! it is a MUSIC festival. its about love and light!and you dumb fucks just have your heads so far up your ass you have to rag on a generation who is actually trying to make a difference! all you old ppl need to chill out.

          1. Joneat adick

            you look like a pedofile, your probably some 45 yearold creep who stalks kids but says hes a christian fuck you

          2. Penny

            You are so ignorant it’s disgusting. The pictures are from google, the stats clearly made up. How would they every be able to know how many STDs were contracted each year? Did they go get the pap smears of all in attendance? They would have had to do this with enough time after the festival for the diseases to show up on tests and also make sure no other sexual encounters happened before/after the festival that could be responsible for this. The authur of this article clearly pulled these out of his ass.

            As a female attendee of many musical festival celebrations and shows throughout the years, all this is bullshit. Everyone is smiling and so happy and nice and having FUN (tons of FUN) and helpful to anything you need. I have never once felt unsafe at any of these events. And guess what, most people are drinking or high or making art or dancing as free spirits or experiencing various stages of enligtment. IE NOT RAPING THE GIRLS! Everyone at these shows is free, and without experiencing it yourself, no one has any right to slander against beautiful celebrations. Hippys are truly BEUTIFUL PEOPLE. Free spirits, not controlled by fear of the establishment. Not allowing themselves to become drones.

            Check out this beautifully done video that has nothing to do with musical festivals, but everything to do with the state of life of humans living today.
            The Way Seeer Manifesto

            CHRISTWIRE IS ALL BULLSHIT. For you who take this seriuosly, WAKE THE FUCK UP! You are a drone. Controlled to live in fear, you are meat like the children walking into the meat grinder in the wall. Most humans lives are a tradegy expereienced through a cage and mask of fear. Why don’t you explore other beliefs? Try Buddism, Hinduism, study theology and philosophy and form your own since of connection to the diving matrix. I promise you the world is not as evil a place as you believe. You are alive, start LIVING! Become educated to the world and don’t believe all the bullshit on this site and others similar.

        1. Think before you talk (type)

          hahahahaha….if only you had the intelligence to see that this article is satire.

          for your convenience (in case utilizing an online dictionary is too challenging for you), here is a link to the definition of satire:

          next time you think about posting, take a moment and critically evaluate the information you intend to comment on…then you might be able to truly “make a difference.”

          oh, and btw, if your think attending coachella qualifies as “making a difference” your more hopeless than i thought.

      2. Scott

        Agreed Adriana,
        You are obviously not researching or doing your own investigation. Its about the music and art!! There is some of the most amazing people I have ever met and made friends with were at events similar to these! You can go to a festival and not have sex or perform oral sex. Above it has some lame statistic like if your little girl goes to coachella she will have GIVEN 4 BLOWJOBS ALREADY!!! Thats some bull!!

        Take it personally… If YOU were to go see some musical artist live, it wouldnt just make you take your clothes off. YOU DO IT YOURSELF!


        Scott aka
        )'( Burner Gumby

      3. david

        noun /ˈsaˌtīr/
        satires, plural

        The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues

      4. kelly

        I AGREE WITH YOU 100% I have been raving, parying and going to festivals for 11 years now and not 1 of those things has ever happened to me. SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID REPORTER GUY…YOU ARE A DUMB ASSHOLE…CJOKE ON A DICK AND DIE…OKAY? Thanks

        1. Think before you talk (type)

          In case you are unaware, this site is satire.


          You might want to give that drug riddled brain of yours a rest so that you can actually distinguish between fact and fiction (e.g “studies” predicting almost a three-fold increase in STI incidence from 2010-2011), we ALL would be better off.

          Knowing people like you can vote frightens me…

      5. Brenden

        Your an ignorant idiot…have you ever heard of online marketing?? Thats exactly why this post was up to grab all your ignorant stupid asses attention. Its called seo using link building dumbass

    2. sonya vanderweeten

      all of you christian are insane! can you even believe this article you are posting in public. everyone poolside at their luxury resort hotel pools are drunk, high, having the time of their lives & laughing hysterically at you as you sit at your desks in the mid west reading this bologne.
      seriously. get REAL.

    3. commi

      1. This article made me sick to my stomach.. i can’t believe there are people like you that could make a article like this.. all this shit is.. IS BULLSHIT!.. yes there are drugs and what not at these events.. and yes girls dress in underwear.. but they arnt forced to do it.. and if you really don’t like these events.. keep ur articles to urself.. u wannabe christain.. ALL YOU CHRISTIANS THAT BELIEVE THAT THIS ARTICLE IS TELLING THE TRUTH.. ARE HYPOCRITES AND YOU NEED TO BURN IN HELL!..

      2. the pictures.. are from google..

      3. BURN IN HELL



    4. St christopher

      I cant wait to get me some coachella christian pussy!!!! ill tell her im gonna wear a rubber then ill put holes in it!! spread the seed bitch!!!!

    5. commi

      ‎”It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. One begins to twist facts to suit theoris, instead of theories to suit facts.” -Sherlock Holmes, fictional character created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was born on May 22, 1859).

        1. Rubbit

          Sir Conan Doyle wrote that . so although it is wisdom described through fiction . It is none the less wisdom. It is possible to learn from just about anyone even a fictional character of the author is clever enough .

    6. None yo damn business

      This event is allowed cuz its Fuckin kick ass!! >:P and Fuck you, wtf u talkin bout “Mexican Tunneler” sneaking in? your fuckin stupid prick.

      1. August Weisz

        Mexicans tunnel into our country illegally. The use your festival as a cover. I bet half the trunks on the way back to the city will be filled with them. Festival participants will be too “lit up” to notice.

        1. Jord

          HAAAAAAAHHH, oh buddy…… you know I don’t even actually know what to say….. but the fact that you took this party which is condemned by your so called “god” and I leave it un-capitalized for a reason! and turned it into an extremely racist drug and human smuggling ring….. you are truly an ignorant uneducated human being who has no concept of what occurs around them and choose to live in your BS elitist society to… i don’t know, inbreed (which the bible indicates we all are anyway…) SO calm yourself, if you don’t like the festival, keep your ignorant self and anyone who would be a party pooper away :)

          We will enjoy life to it’s fullest and live an amazing life, while you pretend to abide by your so called rules and hopefully get yourself into “heaven” where funny enough, some of your religious cleric claim they will make it after sexually abusing and raping small children!! true story, happened, FACT!

          Good side to be on 😉

          Enjoy your life, boner!

          and I use the term boner as it’s actually meaning (mistake). Because you have led yourself so far astray this is clearly what your life has become.

        2. Emily

          Again with the making me laugh so hard. I have cried all day laughing. What a great website you have here.

        3. realist

          You know Coachella is in the desert no where near the boarder right? Highly unlikely there is a tunnel system spanning that many miles from the boarder to the desert.

          1. Christian Intellectual

            Mexicans are filthy people they can smell rape sin and sodomy from miles away.

    7. Jake

      I heard Pastor Terry Jones (you know the totally sane, enigmatic Southern Sage who burned the Quoran and caused 11 UN people to lose their lives) is heading the line-up on Saturday and going to host a trial for Kayne West (the way he did with the Bible versus the Quoran).

      Mates – he fucking trolling you… Figure it out…

    8. ...Really?

      If you want to trash a huge event like this, you might want to do it in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an uneducated 12-year-old who left his house for the first time this morning. I won’t even address the disgusting falsehoods you present as solid fact (just because you put it in a bar graph, doesn’t make it true), instead I’ll only speak to your apparent inability to write a coherent article.

      Case in point:
      “Plan Parenthood” – PlanNED Parenthood
      “Predidtion” – PrediCtion
      “no were” – NOWHERE
      “victimaztion” -VictimIZATION
      “a serious of tests” -a SERIES of tests
      “teenage runways” -Teenage runAways
      “you daughter” – YouR daughter
      “son has a large chance of…be murdered by a Ecstasy induced wizard.” -….What?!?!? Maybe you meant “Your son has a good chance of BEING murdered by AN ecstasy-induced wizard”? Which still makes no sense.

      The list goes on. I sincerely hope nobody is moronic enough to take this kind of nonsensical babbling seriously. Coachella is a music festival. Like any large event, it has inherent risks. If you’re a parent, read VALID, un-opinionated news sources and asses said risks for yourself, don’t rely on this jackass to cram your head full of half-coherent, invented statistics.

      1. Matthew M

        I’m glad you wrote this – it is particularly funny when a person expects his wild, uninformed opinion on a show he has probably never attended be taken seriously with this many spelling and grammatical errors. Not like I’m some English genius, but one would expect a professional article to have a hint of um, what’s that called? Oh yeah – PROOFREADING. As for the content of the article…all I can say is LOL.

      2. Take a moment... and think

        Indignant children of love and light: This article is a joke; it is not intended to be taken seriously. Read it again and you’ll get it. Christwire is a satirical site. It pokes fun at Christian Fundamentalism by taking an Extreme Right position to the level of absurdity (“Your children will die” –come on, that’s funny). If you’re the sort of person who finds the Colbert Report upsetting instead of hilarious then this site probably isn’t for you, either. Now go enjoy the heathen festival, and report back here on your STD status.

    9. Brian

      August-Any drugs that are taken there don’t even originate from Mexico. They are mostly high end “designer” drugs that come form European labs and labs in the U.S. Other forms of drugs taken are usually home-grown marijuana or marijuana from dispensaries as there are medical marijuana rights in CA. I’m sure some come from Mexico but most likely a very small number. I would like to see where this website received their statistics from as it seems unusually high in 2011 as indicated in the bar graphs. This website appears to be nothing more than a fear mongering site started by people who have a baseless opinion rather than concrete evidence.

        1. vangina

          your god raped your mom and gave birth to you the real demon spawn. and learn history you inbred white devil california was mexico, before your people stole it. go fuck your bible and lick your own dick, because it had touched the hands of god. how many little boys have you raped in the basement of your church? or do you just keep them at home stuck in your basement?

    10. Violet

      You are a disgusting excuse for a human. You will go to hell for your hatred of your fellow man. God will punish you for being evil, ignorant and douchebaggy. Fucking twats you are, all of you zealots. I’m truly disgusted by you. I’d rather follow Satan than have anything to do with you retarded idiots.

      1. Ice Van Winkle

        See? This is how the liberals talk. The next thing you know they will try to round up the Christians and send us off to camps like their hero Hitler. Probably a forced oral sexy and Ectasy camp, no doubt.

          1. Jennifer

            So let’s say you end up being at one of these festivals out of pure coincidence? Are you going to freak out and go absolutely crazy like you’re being invaded by some aliens? Are you even human? fucking robot.

    11. Janette Jones

      It’s categorically untrue. Close to Palm Springs and solely about music and sunburns and walking too far.

      Google it, too sad that it’s misrepresented this way.

    12. Logic

      What’s shocking is looking at 5 years worth of “statistics” (cited from?) to formulate a prediction of a jump in over 1500%…for anything. This site and it’s readers need to get their facts sorted. There are even spelling errors in your “graphs.” Go ahead and believe in your “2011 Predidtions” if you people are that gullable. What a farce.

      1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

        IT’S A JOKE!!!!!!!!! Though it is sad that things have gotten to the level of crazy that that’s not obvious.

        Ps- Is there a sign up sheet for the oral sexy and ecstasy camp?

    13. jayman

      I’m Sorry could you remind me which story it was about Jesus Jugging people and calling them harlot’s. Is this is the kinda message Christ approves?

    14. jayman

      so yeah This is a man of “GOD” pulling out his jump to conclusions mat. I personally love the fear based scare tactic. Especially the predicted cases of pregnancy. I’m Sorry could you remind me which story it was about Jesus Jugging people and calling them harlot’s. Is this the kinda message Christ approves? If so I’ll go talk to satan who probably accepts people for who they are instead of jugging them.

    15. alina

      That is an excellent point! I think the Mexicans are coming and don’t forget those slippery Cossack commie sluts! Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, cause they rapin’ everybody up in here. Praise Lord!

    16. Grimpatches14

      “Look at these homosexuals riding a bike together! What the hell does that have to do with music? HOMO’S!!!!!!!! MUSIC!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I DON”T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT BABY CAN BE ON A TABLE!!!! Bryan Blake is my hero, I want to have homo sex with him.

    17. Billy Blood

      If anyone actual believes these statistics there is no hope for the human race. There is no facts behind any of this. Is this site actually real? If it is I hope all of the followers wake up from their ignorant haze.

    18. D-Money

      I believe these statistics are off. I raped, personally, about 823 woman in the 4 hours I was there (the pcp and viagra helped) and since I have HIV (of course I’m a flaming homo) that means it is off. Oh well, guess I’ll shoot for twice as many so the 2011 predictions will be on!

      1. ROR

        i love you D-Money.

        lets have unwed-homo-nazi-negger babies… together. i also like to rape bitches with my forearm of doom.

      2. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

        All those performance enhancers must be expensive. Maybe we could start a collection to subsidise your endeavor?

    19. ROR

      this article makes me want to smoke a dog with an ecstasy hammer.

      i’m already going to hell for using the internet!

      WHY won’t someone come solve all of my problems for me??? oh, right, i’m not a christian lol

      666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666 666

    20. TJC

      Are you kidding me???? Is this website real? Who makes up these statistics?? I went to countless concerts growing up, not once did I see anything like what’s being discussed on this website. Religious people crack me up, if you raise your kid properly you shouldn’t have to worry. When you preach god/religion constantly to a kid there’s a good chance he/she will rebel at some level. I was raised w/o such preaching and I knew the difference between right and wrong, never hurt anyone, had a lot of fun growing up with loving parents who preached respect and tolerance more than anything……be nice, don’t judge.

    21. elvis

      There’s that many hot babes dressed like this wanting to have sex?
      It actually seems very appealing. Wish I was there.

    22. Emi

      You’re a fucking retard!!! Have you been to Coachella y seen girls getting pregnant or being raped? Probably not. There’s nothing wrong by going to a music festival and having a good time for a weekend.

    23. Robert Blythe

      Hippies are the scum on the earth. They occupy a place only slightly lower than Hipsters and players of witchcraft games like World of Warcraft.

      1. robert

        as opposed to the non scum of the earth? Like crusaders who commit genocide? or perhaps like a pastor in florida putting the koran on trial burning it resulting in american casualties overseas? or maybe like the christian neo nazi following. Your right hipsters are way worse. look at history christians are right up there with the most brutal scummish activity.

    24. Dan


      1. Ice Van Winkle

        I can tell by the fact that your caps lock key is stuck on that are a poor immigrant Mexican trying to live of the welfare.

        1. robert

          did you check the Gramatical errors on the site itself? It must of been written by a poor immigrant mexican trying to live off welfare. Lets also consider that you cant spell the word off. So you must be a poor uneducated american living OFF of welfare?

    25. NiggaPLZ

      LOL, I totally trust the “statistics” provided by someone who cannot even spell “Prediction” in their chart (pregnancies). I have a feeling these statistics are just about as provable as Jesus.

    26. billibobyourmamassexobject


    27. awake

      lol i like how there are no real facts for anything and all the pictures have no credibility. also, where are the statistics coming from for charts? i have lots of sober friends that went to this event and they said it was amazing. i myself wanted to go and im a hard working engineering student who also owns a business and does a lot of volunteering for youth so id hardly say that me or any of my friends are neo hippies, naked beer drinkers or drug addicts. id say before you go making statements like this that maybe you should get the whole picture and some solid facts. check it out for yourself.. did anyone die? did anyone’s children die? no.

    28. mike martin

      you sir are an idiot. In fact anyone who believes theses made up statistics is a moron. You cant just pull random numbers out of your ass and say you have a greater then %50 chance of dying at a concert without any sort of actual evidence to back such a claim. Another example of catholic lies made to brainwash those to weak of thought to come up with their own ideas. If there really is a hell like you all believe, there will be a seat there reserved for each and everyone one of you facist pricks

    29. Amanda Brummett

      I’d really like to know where you get your statistics for 2011. The fact that you can actually believe these lies is amazing. Your Christian propaganda is bullshit.

    30. Laura

      The reason those statistics are so shocking is because they aren’t true. Where exactly did the author get those numbers? It’s fine if you are against music festivals, but you do your cause little good by lying and making up outrageous facts. Don’t you have enough confidence in your point of view to go with the truth??

      1. Lindsey Rossetti

        You probably have the most sad little life. Taking those top secret photos must have added some excitement though! Like a little private investigator. so sad.

  2. Emily

    I laughed so hard at this – I am in tears right now. You made my day. That is however a shocking number for the 2011 pregnancy estimate at Coachella. Tsk tsk

    1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

      I know. We really need to get our numbers up if we’re going to out breed the Evangelicals and take all their bibles. Any ideas on increasing the babies per rape ratio? Maybe Planned Parenthood could help us with this?

      1. Erin Lulz

        You could try using Octomom fertility drug roofys before each rape. That would increase resulting babies per rape by up to seven hundred percent. I’m sure Planned Parenthood would be able to help with getting the fertility drugs.

        I was also told that if you use the fertility drugs to have Octomom babies while you have the Aids, the baby’s will be born with the Aids but not sick from the germs, like Typhoid Mary. So, if we could get D-Money to do his rapes before he gets better from the Aids this year, and get Planned Parenthood to supply him with enough fertility drugs, he could produce as many as eight babies with each rape, all of them carriers with the Aids.

        I’ll be he could even make as many as nine or ten babies with each rape, if he tried hard enough.

        Then in 12 years, all of those babies with the Aids will be all grown up and having sex themselves, and the Aides in them will turn the people they have sex with Gay. Just like according to The Plan.

  3. RD

    It’s remarkable how the “estimated statistics” are about 100 times higher than the statistics from previous years. Because, you know, that makes COMPLETE sense.

      1. RD

        Statistics do NOT go up by that much in a single year. That’s just impossible. Tyson’s making things up again.

        Look at the graphs. Look at the statistics from previous years, and then look at the “estimated” statistics for this year. Does that make any sense? No.

        Never mind the fact that there are NO SOURCES CITED for those statistics. Tyson might as well have made this entire article up.

          1. RD

            Oh, it’s a real festival. But Tyson:

            1. Doesn’t cite a single source for those statistics (making them, by journalistic law, null and void)

            2. Vastly exaggerated the “estimated” statistics, to the point where no scientist, researcher, or intelligent human could take them seriously.

            3. Has no proof that the photographs are all EXCLUSIVELY from the Coachella festival, and ensured that the only photographs of girls were of those wearing remarkably short shorts and tight shirts. A large number of people at concerts and music festivals, myself included, wear jeans, basketball shorts, and large, comfy t-shirts.

            4. Believed a false statement that Planned Parenthood was sponsoring the festival. A quick look at the Coachella festival’s Sponsors page would prove that to be entirely false.

          2. Slackbastard

            “Tyson might as well have made this entire article up.”

            Gosh. You don’t say. Always as if he were writing it for a satirical website.

            Folks. It took me 15 seconds with Google to figure it out. And 5 of those were because I got distracted by ad boobies.

          3. jayman

            it seems you are very confused August maybe you should go do your own research and stop basing your decisions off of what others have said

          4. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

            I believe that you are mistaken. As the festival has yet to occur this year, the 2011 numbers are obviously intended as goals to strive for. It’s going to be hard to measure, up but I’m convinced a 1500% increase is achievable.

            We obviously need to increase our gross number of incidents on both sides of the consent split. It’s going to be hot, maybe we could sell water and leverage the profits for the roofy fund?

            I really think the future, however, is increasing our infections/pregnancies per rape ratio. If we could get find a way to get our infection AND impregnation rates into, maybe the mid 90s, we could be much more effective in allocating our man power (so to speak 😉 )

            Ps- Does anyone know whether the viagra/pcp subsidy kickstarter campaign is up and running yet?

      2. Jay

        Haha, I don’t think you need to be worried about being involved in group orgies going by that profile picture, so i think you’ll be safe if you go. Every person has a choice of what they choose to do involve themselves in (drugs/sex/etc.). If your afraid to go or let anyone you know go its only because of your lack of trust in your own; which then people could start to blame you on your lack of parenting/discipline skills… Sucks to think that right? Wouldn’t seem fair to be JUDGED right?- No one said YOU had to be involved in there, yes, OUTSIDE the MUSIC festival activities.

          1. Jesus

            I died on the cross so people could go to parties like this.

            You stupid christians have me all wrong.

            JESUS participated in orgies and did opium all the time

          2. Vince

            You do realize you’ll have an 86% chance of contracting an STD at holy parties right? It’s a fact!

          3. Jake

            August – You do realize that Terry Jones will be at Coachella ardently working and praying to save the souls this despicable youth without the grace and damnation of the Lord our Savior to redeem their souls and save AMERICA!

            There maybe a reason to attend and support doing the lords work.

          4. JT

            August – You do realize that Terry Jones will be at Coachella ardently working and praying to save the souls this despicable youth without the grace and damnation of the Lord our Savior to redeem their souls and save AMERICA!

            There maybe a reason to attend and support doing the lords work.

          5. Andrew

            If them Muslims like Barak Obama got one thing right – it’s jihad. The thing you could always trust about Herbert Walker was that the Lord’s saving grace empowered him with the strength to take the fight to those camel-jockies.

            Amen brother! Amen!

      3. Leahoop

        Well you would not have to worry about anyone raping or drugging you..I am sure of that…your safe August Weisz

        1. Andrew

          Thank you Leahoop – would you like to join me in an Our Father to make sure that God’s saving grace will protect his son, August?

          1. Leahoop

            Uh..I mean because he is an ugly Motherf*$^#r and nobody no matter how drunk or drugged would try to fondle him…pretty sure. And no..not interested in your “Our Father”….got to hell.

          2. Andrew

            Well, I am very intrigued by your oxymoronic response – let me explain. You state “nobody no matter” – that is a definite statement. However you subsequently follow-up with “Pretty sure” – thereby implying ambiguity. Are you sure or not this is not a cohesive argument.

            In addition, this is exactly the point that I was making – thank you for agreeing with me that these demented heathens would ever want to disgrace the brilliance of the Lord’s work embodied by August.

            Furthermore, the Lord our Savior is not mine or yours – His enveloping and unconditional love is for everyone. The Our Father is to praise Him who provides the world with such grace.

            Finally, “got to hell” -> do you mean “go to hell”? Well, that is precisely what I am trying to prevent from happening. Prayer has the power to heal all even those misguided young teens who have deviated from the Lord’s path by virtue of attending this egregious display of sin.

            I shall pray intently that our prayers shall show these sinners the light and lead these wayward children back to the Lord’s flock – for He is our shepherd.

            Our Father in heaven,
            hallowed be your name.
            Your kingdom come,
            your will be done,
            on earth as it is in heaven.
            Give us this day our daily bread,
            and forgive us our debts,
            as we also have forgiven our debtors.
            And lead us not into temptation,
            but deliver us from evil –

            *** Lord – Please particularly bless Leahoop and let your shining light fill this lost member of your flock.


          3. Leahoop

            Your ultra-religious views are creepy and you are demented. There is no hell, there is no god..your prayers do nothing for me so you can keep them. You obviously live a sheltered life and view the world through a dark narrow tunnel. Take a philosophy class or two and you will realize what you preach is twisted. You are obviously undereducated and warped. I do not practice any religion, but am however a good person-not a racist or piece of shit judgmental being as yourself. Pretty sure “god” if you so believe, would rather see “good” vs ultra-religious pricks such as yourself.

          4. Leahoop

   need to “break down” my response..for I am more educated than you will ever be

  4. you a fucking moron

    this author is a down right idiot. he cant get his info correct, he thinks that planned parenthood sponsors a music festival in “coachella” the city. what a dope!

    where are the statistics for this “study”?
    and look at the graph names, they are totally made up. how were these statistics taken, did you call every concert goer that is a girl and give them a STD test. do a google search on coachella deaths / rape cases…….go ahead ill wait……………….see your a dumb fuck!

    coachella is fun, exciting, and down right a great time, no matter if your 9 or 99 years old, theres something for everyone. sure festivals have drugs, but so does every other festival, its up to the person to make their OWN decisions, its called life…..seems like the author of this article is some uptight, g-string wearing, closed minded individual.

    1. Tyson Bowers III

      Ladies and gentlemen. This is the type of crazy drug addict that runs around this festival preying on your daughter’s virginity.

      1. GG

        Ladies and gentlemen. Tyson’s a moron, pulls statistics out of his ass, compared your daughters to whores and hippies, and believes in ecstasy induced wizards. I don’t think there’s much else to be said.

      2. DemonJesus

        HA! HA! HA! HA! That is the funniest damn thing I’ve heard in a while… you think your daughters are virgins!!!!

        OMG – I think I just peed a little… to fucking funny!!!

    2. Travis

      This site is a joke. Like The Onion. Funny how pissed you are.

      Maybe looking into what Jesus actually said would help you calm down.

      Thanks for your response though. It made my day.

      1. DemonJesus

        Jesus didn’t say shit you ignorant bastard. The Bible was simply copied from another book and given it’s own spin on so called ‘facts’ written by a few men trying to control the population.

        The reason it crumbles today is these men, as extremely educated as they may have been for their time, possessed the intellectual capacity of today’s fourth grader.

        Seriously man… these people thought the world was flat.

  5. BBT

    Mr. Bowers,
    Have you attended Coachella? or any other music festival? This is by far NOT what goes on at a festival. People don’t pay that much money for a ticket to go have sex….
    It IS ABOUT THE MUSIC, thats what people pay for. Far worse things happen at spring break in other countries, etc. or even at nudist camps/colonies.

    “Since 2006, we have be conducting a serious of tests to find out some hard proof of what goes on at the festival of liberal brainwash and the results are shocking. Parents, please understand we only show you these things, so you can take control and bring your children back to the Lord.” – proofread your articles too. serious of tests? what tests? where’s your case study? Like RD said, where’s the “source”? Give me 10 min, I can make that graph in excel.

    Yes theres drugs and drinking,but where isn’t there? I can go to a church and find the biggest alcoholics around…

    The girls dress like that because they WANT TO. The first girls pic, there are girls in the background not dressed like that…these girls WANT TO GET NOTICED by guys. Sorry Mom, you taught them and brought them up that way.



  6. Dave

    Don’t worry fellow Christians. The projected pregnancy numbers for 2011 are way over inflated… since I won’t be going to Coachella this year.

    1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

      I’m sorry to hear that Dave. We really do need every man we can get to hit our 2011 numbers.

      If it changes your mind we will, of course, have fertility boosters on site. I’m thinking we can get 2, maybe even 3 germinations per incident this year.

      Hope you change your mind, even with the enhancers we could really use your help. =)

  7. you a fucking moron

    ladies and gentlemen this is what happens to a religion that listens to people like this.
    you dont get the facts straight….and lies are created…

    but wait doesnt your religion say ” thall shall not lie”??

    you better go fucking prey for some common sense.

    go read your made up stories, but dont spread your ignorance.

    thank you

  8. Rev. Bob Jenkins III

    My family will hold off on attending these festivals until the predicted number of std and pregnancies drop considerably. I encourage my congregation to do the same.

    1. Vince

      Reverend you need to realize something. A prediction is a guess, any prediction what so ever. Whether that prediction be STDs at Coachella, who’s going to be the next American Idol, or the weather. Now usually when people make predictions they have some kind of backing to forward their point. If it be the weather, they look to meteorology patterns and the such, if it be American Idol you’d make your prediction on say the caliber of each singer. Find me Tyson’s backing as to why such a dramatic increase in everything. I’m not even sure the original statistics are even accurate because I cannot find where they initially originated. If you are urging people to do something based on one mans uneducated guess then really what you’re saying is that you’re waiting for him to say it’s ok for you to do it. He is not Jesus, you do not need to blindly follow the blind. My eyes are open.

    2. DemonJesus

      Yesterday the CDC released a study regarding the forecast-ed expectations of the spread of VD for all upcoming music related festivals to be held in the United States in the year 2011.

      The study shows definitive decreases from the last 5 years.

      So according to the CDC, it’s safe to go back in the water!

  9. August Weisz

    RD Mathematical statistical aberrations exist everywhere.

    For example if there were no occurrences of something one year and 1 the next, one could argue that it jumped an infinite percent and that’s impossible too.

    Just like in addition
    Odd + Odd =Even
    Even + Even= Even
    Odd + even= Odd
    So 2/3rds of all numbers must be odd right? Liberal science fails us every time.

  10. Elizabeth

    looooooooooool! Is this site for real? Do you really believe these lies? Are you so blinded by your own hate that you can’t imagine that people who believe differently than you can have a perfectly innocent time at a music festival? Satan taking over a singer??? are you serious?! Do you realize how stupid you sound? Where were you educated? “Bob Jones, shove the bible up your ass, go to college to meet a husband and close your mind to reality university”? You people make me sick. I thank the universe everyday I woke up and got myself out of this bassackwards religion.

  11. .

    You people are so ignorant. Your motives derive from a supposed God-fulfilled opinion, however you will surely not get any praise whatsoever from God for your ignorant, stubborn, judgmental, and unjustified opinions. You people are horrible and quite frankly, stupid. I feel so sorry for you that you came to be like this…

    1. .

      I promise, very few Christians are “like this” and if you disagree, then I’d say you’re meeting the wrong kind of Christians

  12. GOD

    Ohh my God!
    This has to be the dumbest, extremist religious “sect” I’ve ever seen.
    It’s not hard to believe that there are freaks like Tyson “preaching” and accusing people of “preying on your daughter’s virginity”.

    Tyson, you are a disgrace to God. Do well, love people and respect people. Be a better human being and stop preying on people’s faith.

    1. Andrew

      A member of my church (who is doing the Lord’s work and protesting this event to communicate the Lord’s divine word) sent me a message to inform me that Planned Parenthood is conducting abortions at the event. They are feeding the blood of aborted people to these disillusioned masses.

      LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION! Coachella should be declared illegal as they are condoning genocide of your brothers and sisters. Exactly like the Jews do with Muslim babies.

      I sincerely pray that the Lord’s Light can save these disillusioned youth. Please keep your families close tonight and read the Lord’s word to bring your family together and prepare them for their eventual return to his eternal love.

      Please pray for every young soul that will be lost by these atrocities!

    1. Rev. Bob Jenkins III

      I don’t believe that you are jesus. i think you are likely a liar, and a blasphemer. if so, repent! God loves your soul!

      1. Virgin Mary

        No. That’s my boy. He’s such a good son. Loves everyone… and drug filled orgies.

        Just like his mama

      2. Grace

        Reverend, weren’t we taught that the spirit of God (Jesus) is in every one of us, even those who have no faith?

  13. saviour311

    “and tho shall be cast into a pit of hell” I dont understand today’s youths this concert should be shut down, hopefully with heros like sarah palin and john bohaner now leading our CHRISTIAN nation events like this will no longer be able to corrupt the children of god.

    1. Jesus

      Law cannot be based on fairy tales aka religions. Not everyone believes in your BS.

      If Jesus were a real man he would want us to have fun
      Not live boring virgin filled lives
      Drugs expand your mind (some)

      Jesus must have done a shit load of acid to think he was walking on water

  14. Pablo

    Aha! Another person who thinks to know what will happen to god’s children. Please Tyson, go read the bible once again and publish a story what is really relevant.

  15. Logical

    Why your children will really die if they attend Coachella:

    Because they were taught “Just say NO” and abstinence. The stupid religious right in this country is always complaining about problems they help cause.

    Maybe you should’ve taught your kids better.

      1. Andrew

        A member of our church protesting the blasphemy of the misguided youth sent me a message that Planned Parenthood is at Coachella performing abortions. This disillusioned population, who have strayed so far from the Lord’s shinning light, are drinking the blood of these aborted babies!

        This must be stopped and represents the Holocaust for Americans as these heathens bask in the blood of these PEOPLE.

        Please protect your children! Bring your families together under the unity and blessings of the Lord’s book this weekend. Pray for your brothers and sisters that will be lost this weekend – may you be reunited with them when you and your family reach God’s eternal light.

        Please say the Lord’s Prayer with me followed by a Hail Mary.

        1. RD

          Please stop making things up. It’s hilarious, but very misleading for people who don’t have a sense of humour.

          1. randum

            RD you need a pic on your comments, so it is easier to see your homogay comments – of fiction. ;p

  16. Righteous Brother

    Come on clearly Bryan is only using this as an excuse to score free coachella tickets so he can gang rape and get some orgies then say how the devil entered him and made him do it. And by studying sinners does he mean masturbating to the scantily clad females?

    Its also a hot ass friggin desert so most people are scantily clad.

  17. Buddy Christ

    As if. Christianity has a way higher percentage of wanton rape throughout its years and that’s not even counting the children that have been sexually abused. If you people are swallowing this crap, you’re as mindless as we’ve feared you are.

  18. hahahahahahaha

    hahahahahahaha this is the funniest thing I have ever read. Where do you do your standup? I could use a writer like you on my Sports blog. You could talk about how the NBA is comprised of demons and that everyone will die if they root for the Lakers. You people make real Christians look like lunatics. Get your head out of your butts.

  19. The_Narrator

    Site your sources Tyson, im calling you out. Back your frivolous graphs and claims with hard facts. Do it. You wont.

  20. flipflop

    You people are such nutcases. You give religion a bad name. It’s no wonder the country is rising up against you.
    Life is too short to be this ignorant. Grow up.

  21. UrMom

    Wow, obviously these are FAKE statistics… you should write for the national inquirer because this is bogus facts

  22. Pastor Pat R. Stone

    There will also be homosexuals attending. That disgusting group Scissor Sisters is playing. No doubt they will indoctrinate the masses with their gay agenda. Be careful my Christian brothers and sisters.

      1. fromhell

        How can you seriously say something like this and claim yourself a christian? You’re a fucking moron, fuck off and burn in hell!

      2. (former) Ms. Tyson Bowers

        I used to be married to Tyson. He is a previously convicted child rapist. I was forced to marry him because our fathers used to go to the same church. Tyson enjoys the company of small boys and you should do EVERYTHING you can to prevent this serial child rapist from posting on the internet.

        …about as truthful as your article.

        1. Andrew

          How dare you insult the laudable Tyson Brown – Do you have any respect for a man doing the Lord’s will? He is ardently working to save YOU from eternal damnation by virtue of expounding upon the utter disgraceful, disgusting behavior of you non-believers at your heathen, orgy / Bible burning.

          I am saying 5 Our Father’s that you will see the light and be brought into the Lord’s saving grace.

          After hearing Tyson speak to our youth at the Dove World Outreach Center – I nearly started crying for the Lord’s Grace enveloped me.

          Thank you Tyson and God Bless your heart and your mission for getting this message out.

      3. For Christ all my life

        Mr. Bowers, Pastor Stone, how dare you? Truly, how dare you say a statement like “Homo gays are the WORSE!” (btw, horrible grammar and spelling) and trying to put words into the mouth of another person (like, “they will indoctrinate the masses with their gay agenda”), while all the time proclaiming to be followers of Christ. I’m fairly certain that we are called to love one another. Period. Not, “Love those who are perfect and righteous,” but just love one another. It is not our job on earth to condemn and pass judgement; that is HIS job alone. And shame on you for proclaiming such a statement so publicly! Is it any wonder why people have turned away from our loving Lord if YOU are the kind of people representing Him?! Honestly, I am ashamed to be called a Christian when I know there are extremists like you speaking so hatefully toward people that need the same thing as every of God-created person on earth: to be loved. THAT is my ministry: to love anyone and everyone I come in contact with to the best of my ability the way that the Lord would want me to and the way His Holy Son did while He was amongst us in the flesh.

        BTW, I looked up this passage for you. It’s from Galatians Ch. 5: ” 19Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
        20Idolatry, witchcraft, HATRED, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
        21Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” I have never heard such a hateful statement as the one you posted, and if you believe that the Bible is as infallible as our God, then you should repent for your sin, for according to this passage, you will not inherit the kingdom of God any more than the sinners who participate in such violent acts at this apparent ‘sex festival’.

        Oh, and just because it’s one of my favorites, John 13:34 “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.”

        My prayer is that the Lord will keep safe everyone who attends ANY large festival. And for those who are so injured and rightfully angry with this blog, please know that not all Christians are like that.

  23. jamantha

    it’s almost like you all actually believe this. it’s SATIRE, a JOKE. but please, use condoms and don’t dehydrate yourselves.

  24. Leahoop

    Hey Tyson Bowers your f-ing moron…you should not be running a blog if you cant even spell. Maybe you are just mad because you didn’t get your Coachella ticket in time…thank you for humoring the us normal folks.

  25. indieauthorx

    Troll articles like this serve only to remind us how dumb most internet newbs are.

    August Weisz is a mediocre troll, probably a fat 16 year old Twilight fan with tons of acne and indeterminable gender.

  26. Stan Marsh

    This place sounds like a dream come true. I wonder how much mouth sex I can have throughout the festival. Praise the lord for creating such an amazing place

  27. Scam Dex

    Nice photos. Do you have any more – candid – ones?
    From your statistics, it looks like every woman who goes will end up either pregnant or with an STD or both. This could be a boon to couples with infertility problems – and antibiotics can patch up the annoying aftereffects.

    1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

      I suppose we could always use a few more in the ‘consenting’ column. I will admit it’s a bit harder to find manpower to service them. But hey, numbers are numbers, right? 😉

      FYI, It may prove necessary to rape any male companions attending if our numbers start to sag. C U there. =)

  28. Dntdrpthatcakea

    You all do realize that this is the “Christian” version of The Onion right? Or are you just that dumb that you believe everything you read?

  29. Barb

    Come on Tyson…you’re really just an Atheist trying to make Christians look bad aren’t you? You’re good man! You really took the cake with this one! Wow! You had me going for a little while but I know that when a man lies like you do there is absolutely no room for God in your heart.

  30. Adam Nelson

    Their sin is so nasty in the final image, that they are wearing their underwear out in public. I cannot describe the health danger that gives to everyone else and you have to wonder what young, drunk college girl these underwear men have violated?

  31. R. DeMorte

    I love how the top secret photos are of:
    1. 2 guys walking across a random street
    2. A girl squatting down looking at shoes (probably at some random location anywhere but the coachella valley)
    3. 2 dudes in shorts at a grocery store (also could be anywhere but the coachella valley)

    And all of the photos at the top of the article… you can see “Christian” girls in more revealing outfits when they are at the beach. (so whats next… your not going to let your daughters go to the beach?) Its hot out there… people need to stay cool… its a matter of practicality

    This “author” obviously a paranoid conspiracy theorist, and he writes these delusional articles to alleviate the pain caused by years of sexual abuse by his over bearing mother.

    There is not an ounce of truth in this article…

      1. R. DeMorte

        I have been to this MUSIC festival 3 times & it’s many side parties & I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your claims are utter nonsense

        There is no rape… there is no communist agenda… there are no orgies.

        If there is any sexual activity occurring, it is not at the festival. That would be done behind closed doors at a hotel or one of the many houses that are for rent this time of year.

        So, will you be breaking into hotel rooms & houses trying to film these alleged rapes & orgies?

        I would hope so… your better off in prison where you can’t be heard

      2. R. DeMorte

        Oh, looks like constantly refreshing this page paid off…

        I see your a convicted child rapist as well… according to your x-wife

        Mr. Bowers… I think your the most accomplished rapist at this festival


  32. ChristSucks

    NICE Thank you for letting me know where I can go rape lots of virgins and spread tons of STD’s. I was going to be just at home beating my kids and wife, but this seems like a better use of my free time. Thank you :)

  33. Is this Real?

    No really. Is this a joke? If not, you are in need of some serious help. Like of the psychiatric form. Also, why is it that Tyson or any “other people” who agree with him, lack grammar and syntax? I feel you are just saying things just to say them.

  34. Randy

    Hey Tyler! Looks to me like you’re just jealous cause no woman (or man) has ever given you mouth sex (BTW what are you, a 5 year old? It’s called oral sex, head, a blow job, etc. you moron)! I hope all your whore daughters and raper sons sneak out to go see a weekend of music and partake in the greatest orgy the US has ever seen since Woodstock. :-). Long live Coachella!

  35. BassLabsNin9

    Wow. So much ignorance with the writer of this article and those who have become fanatical religious zealots. It’s no wonder you believe any word written as gospel… You cannot see past anything negative, falsely written, completely fabricated, and an utter lie.

    Where do you get your information? The Bible? Do realize that it was written BY MAN and not God, himself. It’s a book of stories with a message. If you’re looking to save someone, save yourself before committing false accusations based on assumption. Study true statistical efforts and cite properly in order to have anyone believe your word.

    Music festivals around the world cater to the 18+ age event-goer. At the age of 18, you are considered an adult and can freely make choices (that would be the “Free Will” thing God gave the proverbial “us”) based on the desire to be one of the crowd or stand alone (neither are particularly a bad thing, by the way).

    Coachella is an event held in a desert area, close to Palm Springs, where temperatures can be quite high. Most people wear light clothing for comfort (shorts, tank tops, t-shirts, dresses, bikini tops, skirts), and nobody really cares what anyone else is, or isn’t, wearing. Everyone there, who has spent upwards of $500 for a ticket, around $500 for lodging, and around $200 for food (all per person), isn’t really concerned with creating a negative situation that may get them banned from the event, and losing ALL the money they cannot get back. Most of the people I know attending this event, this is the one thing they do and look forward to every year. They have fun. Yes, they drink (they are all well over the age of 21). They go to see their favorite bands, DJs and performers all in one place. If they do any drug, it’s their choice. If they don’t do any drug around, that is also their choice. They are adults, not young children. They are also couples, many married, who might get pregnant when they go to their hotel rooms and have sex together… That’s what married & un-married couples tend to do! And then… They get to bring a beautiful baby into this world! Is that a terrible statistic?

    Everyone likes to have fun. You “wholesome fun” types can have your opinions, just fine. Do not assume, as you just look ridiculous. Those who like to “party” (and that doesn’t mean sex and drugs are involved – I rarely drink, don’t smoke, and don’t do drugs, but I like to dance, jump around and be around my family and friends enjoying this thing called life!!!), can do so, as well. No harm, no foul!

    Whatever your beliefs are, I ask you to be logical and realistic. If any real crimes are committed, it’s the lies that are being told in the above article. Shame.

  36. Christina

    Ummmm, wow. Can you please take off the part about this being facts, because it is not. And the part about you being a Christian too. You make the rest of us sain, leveled headed, Christ centered, loving Christians look like a bunch of morons. We don’t like being grouped into the same category of crazies who fail to show the love that Christ commanded. If Jesus loves these people were they are at, you should too. Not to mention, Coachella is awesome! Grow up man.

  37. Coachella "Hippie"

    It saddens me that groups, religions and websites such as this one so freely take advantage of its believers. It is exactly opinions and beliefs like this that has driven me away from organized religion.

    To all members/followers of this website:
    NOTHING of what is said in this article is true. And I do mean NOTHING. Coachella is a safe, organic and harmonized musical event that is enjoyed by thousands of people every year. Anyone who says otherwise has ulterior motives for disgracing the event. In this case, Christwire is attempting to brainwash you with this nonesense so that your allegiance to Christwire will be strengthened in your collective hatred towards Coachella.

    I am a 29 year old female who has attended Coachella for the past 6 years. I have made numerous friends through the event and have thoroughly enjoyed every positive moment of it. I smoke medical marijuana, skateboard, surf, dance, listen to loud music, go to music festivals and engage in premarital sex. I am also pre med at the University of Southern California, am actively involved in sustainable projects in my city, devote countless hours to volunteer work, have never been pregnant and have strong family and community ties.

    It IS possible to enjoy a fun, exciting, worldly existence while also devoting your life to a higher power. Christwire is attempting to undermine that option for you because it ultimately means more money & influence for them. Please, be questionable of a person/group/religion who constantly seeks praise and your undivided loyalty.

    I sincerely hope that you followers of Christwire will find the strength to make decisions for yourself, and not allow Christwire to make them for you.

    Many blessings to you all.

        1. August Weisz

          Organic food has a much lower yield. The lower yield creates food shortages and increased prices. When food shortages and increased food prices exist the first to be hurt are the poor, starving peoples.

          Organic food increased the class gap in our society.

          1. Andrew

            Naturally being a true Republican, you have to see that income inequality is simply God’s will. Republicans are overwhelmingly Christian and their high levels of earned SES obviously mean that God has chosen them.

            Wealthier people eat organic food for sustenance. Therefore, it’s God’s will that successful Republicans consume organic food to further His divine will.

            Tell those lower income people to get a job and stop looking for their “handouts” from Uncle Sam.

            Cut taxes and remove corn subsidies from those commie corn-states and let free markets reign supreme. Then we shall see the true power of God’s saved children in the Republican party come to fruition.

          2. Laffy-Taffy

            Right – it has nothing to do with with a system that threw working people overboard in RayGun’s counter-insurgency of the elite. “Class gap” is a function of organic food. Are you guys really this stupid or is this all an act?

          3. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

            Not to mention it decreases the number of chemical inputs, taking money out of the pockets of hard working American businessmen. Forcing American companies to compete with cosmic forces embodied in natural processes makes us uncompetitive in the global marketplace. As you can see, if we allow Americans to not eat GM corn saturated with Roundup the terrorists win!

            My organization, with our corporate partners, is now working on a bill that will correctly criminalize such lack of commerce as the theft it is!

          4. August Weisz

            It’s factual and obvious that organic food is the work of satanic influences in league with the N.O.W. They use it to create a class gap in America. They then blame the class gap on reganomics so people will vote democrat.

      1. Coachella "Hippie"

        Resembling a living organism in organization or development; interconnected: society as an organic whole.

        Constituting an integral part of a whole; fundamental.

        Organic works quite well in describing the basic principles of Coachella. The festival is very mindful of preserving an atmosphere of an interconnected society.

        1. Andrew

          I am saying 5 Our Father’s with the unflinching faith that this will redeem the wicked skateboarding & GLEE-watching homosexuals & enable them to come into the Light of Christ by repenting for their sinful ways.

  38. John

    This is hilarious the comments from the people who actually believe this is a real article are just as funny as the article itself

  39. C-LEW

    are u serious?! rape, murder?! lololol you people are fuckin ridiculous I’m sure Jesus doesn’t call breasts milk sacs and our women 2 dollar harlot whores. your views are ignorant and have no merit so please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

  40. Idiots

    You dumb crazy Christian’s are the reason America is hated. You preach you’re nonsense and lie to get what YOU not “The Lord” wants (By the way there is no Lord except in you’re head). That is why the majority of people find you annoying because they are sane enough to think for themselves, and know/rationalize situations themselves instead of relying on a big Science Fiction Novel you carry around like it’s a Tampon and you’re on the Rag. God you people make me God Damned sick. And I (And the rest of “America”) get tired of seeing you’re idiotic ways. Just blow you’re brains out and join you’re so called Lord.

    1. Andrew

      Dear Mr. “Idiots” – (I sincerely do not mean to offend you, but this is the name per your comment).

      A member of my church (who is doing the Lord’s work and protesting this event to communicate the Lord’s divine word) sent me a message to inform me that Planned Parenthood is conducting abortions at the event. They are spraying the blood of aborted PEOPLE to these disillusioned masses enchanted by the wizardy.

      LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION! Coachella should be declared illegal as they are condoning genocide of your brothers and sisters. Exactly like the Jews do with Muslim babies.

      These non-believers – Kill babies for feeding their misguided ways

      The Muslims – Kill one another following the ill-conceived succession planning of Muhammad (allusion to Shia & Sunni schism)

      Jews – Kill the babies of Muslims (there was a full 3-night prime time special in Syria, Iran, and Jordan that clearly showed this)

      We peaceful Christians believe in the power of prayer and the American Innovation Engine to deliver God’s exacting Will.

      I sincerely pray that the Lord’s Light can save these disillusioned youth. Please keep your families close tonight and read the Lord’s word to bring your family together and prepare them for their eventual return to his eternal love.

      Please pray for every young soul that will be lost by these atrocities!

      1. RD

        Yeah, see, I know someone who WORKS for Planned Parenthood. They wouldn’t do anything like that. It’s against the organization’s POLICY to perform public abortions, much less spray the fetus’ blood on other people (as that creates a huge medical risk).

        Seriously, stop making things up.

          1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

            Of course, August. Why else wouldn’t you perform public abortions and spray the fetus’ blood on other people? If we could just get the Communist regulators off our backs we could be creating baby killing, blood spraying jobs in America right now!

            RD, could you have your contact at Planned Parenthood contact me? We’re working on something they might be interested in.

      2. dougie howser MD

        excuse me, im jewish and i have muslim friends, fuck i even have some muslim cousins. coachella is a musical festival of epic proportions. planned parent hood isnt EVEN FUCKING THERE if you looked at the coachella sponsors page your honkey ass brain would have known this.

        and as for the schism who fucking set them up for it! white god fearing christians and there “my god has a bigger dick than your god” so lets fuck you

        and as for the jews thats bullcrap you obviously know NOTHING about that situation cause my friend is a correspondant over there.

        and you so called “peaceful christians” have killed overall more people than the muslims and any other race, creed or religion combined all in the name of of ur so called “god”

        infact i love this fucking music also, 3 of my friends bands are playing, warpaint, the drums and titus andronicus. why dont you watch the fucking thing and see what its all about urself!

  41. bbtrojans

    tyson u r the most unbiased journalist EVER, the way you seemingly pull facts out of your ass is truly inspiring. just like those exclusive images you found on google, praise god that you didnt have to go to confession for looking such sin up on the internet.

    do you really think were this stupid to believe your christo-facist article? have you ever been to a concert ever in your life? can you stop living in the 16th century and grow the fuck up?

    the christian religion has done more crimes against humanity than any single race, creed, or religion. the millions raped and murdered in the crusades, the hundreds of thousands in the inquisition, all the other useless pointless wars that the church has influenced over the years. not to mention all the little boys you fags have molested. well just add this to your tab.

    never before have i read such ignorant shit in my life.

    p.s. im pro-choice, pro-gays, jewish, pro-muslim, and a recognized journalist and if this is what passes for journalism ill burn my 4 NY STATE AWARDS OF EXEMPLARY JOURNALISM

  42. newbornATHEIST

    It’s people like you that made me denounce my faith and become an Atheist. If there IS a hell, I sure hope you burn in it.

  43. Juice

    To all of you people who are actually offended
    … ever hear of Satire? or.. Sarcasm?

    Seriously.. talk about being blinded by your beliefs.

    Just sayin’… good day.

  44. Liz

    Looked this website up on wikipedia to make sure it was satirical. At first I was like, thank god. Then I remembered that people like this actually exist and went back to being sad.

  45. Jessica

    45,000 predicted pregnancies? According to what scientific study? This is blown way out of proportion and completely ridiculous.

      1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

        Only if we work at it. Think how many jobs could be created from 76k abortions! The GDP stimulus from Coachella is just what this country needs.

  46. Anonomouse

    It’s a shame that Christians won’t figure out they are gonna burn in hell until after they are dead. Oh wait, there isn’t a hell. Damn

  47. Fab

    My Little Sister Goes to that Festival, I have worked at the Festival, I have never taken Drugs there, and My little sister has never done anything but enjoy the music and art. Plus, It is so damn Hot there, that most people DO NOT take such Drugs. You need to keep Hydrated and well fed. I Know a TON of people who go to Coachella. And Perform there. It is Awesome. Drugs happen everywhere. Rape happens everywhere. Even more than the Festival.

  48. Mike Watson

    The first concert will be tonight, apparently. It sounds sort of like Woodstock, with a state of ‘band after band’ and drugs distributed to the crowd.

    This band is supposed to headline all of the others?

    They seem pretty Satanic and from the article you can see their history of giving fans drugs and hallucinogens and these other bad things. I thought these sorts of concerts were supposed to be more heavily monitored.

  49. Christian Intellectual

    You are a brave man brother Tyson,I vomited after reading this.

    What can we do to STOP this depraved satanic mass orgy ???.

    I hope young Blake does not get raped at that place.

        1. Christian Intellectual

          You are wrong dougie (i was shocked when i found out you where a homogay),

          We stopped because the homogay agenda infiltrated our military. The homogays want to turn our desert into a place full of Sin, RAPE and Sodomy theme parks.

          1. dougie howser MD

            tell tht to all the other “homo gays” in the church! i.e. aging sadsacks of priest who like to play a little “touchy feely” with the alterboys

      1. Andrew

        Because the pinko commie fags and their universal healthcare and protecting natural resources block it.

        They are the same reason for $4/barrel oil – Oh now you want to let BP drill in the Gulf.

        Sadly, like these non-believer, pinko commies are destroying our national security through their regulations – they blocked us (and inherently endanger us all) from testing in the desert.

        May the Lord have Mercy on our souls and invoke his spirite within them to show these depraved youth the light.

  50. English Shagger

    im gonna be responsible for nearly 50k pregnancies this year at Coachella… see you soon ladieeeeeeees !!!!


    1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

      I really appreciate the effort you’re putting in, Mr Shagger. Get in contact once you’re on site and we ll get you set up with some supplies. Remember to stay hydrated and pace your self, don’t want to pull your prostate and not achieve what you’re capable of.

      Happy hunting. :)

  51. Matt

    You people are all fucking insane, this website is a joke, even retarded christian fucks know that their is no way a fake statistic as lame as std’s starting at 500 jump to 45000 in 3 years….shit like that is funny, loosen you grip and learn to be chill, everyone who read this and believed that Christians are out to ruin your party, chill, they think the lord will smite you when the time is right……

  52. Graig Christ

    who ever made this website is without question a genius. Posing as bible hugging thumb suckers and writing an article about a fairly harmless music festival as if it were orchestrated by pure evil. If only for the sheer drama of the feedback.. fucking brilliant. This is raw human condition at its best.

    Check out Bonnaroo. It’s a music festival in Tennessee with copious amounts of drug use, mass raping and human sacrifices. The STD count from last year was 243,659. The logo for the event is the sign of the devil (the from the film “The Omen”) so it’s probably commissioned by Satan himself. I suggest an immediate intervention by Christ Wire, lest hundreds of thousands of youths are raped and murdered. [img],r:23,s:0&biw=1639&bih=800[/img]

  53. Apprentice_Lobotomist

    How sad… that picture isn’t even a real baby at the end it’s a doll you can tell. At least if your going to bad mouth something start with yourself and then after that go after the government. Bless you all may you mind be more open to the more truly important things at hand.

  54. MisterHart

    It’s true. The liberal media won’t tell you, but nearly everyone who attends Coachella will most likely die. Thank you for bringing this stunning story to light.

  55. RD

    The fact is, it’s a musical festival. You paid someone to go there and “unveil” it?

    The “top secret” photos could have been taken ANYWHERE.

    The ignorance from this site is just plain disgusting.

  56. Austin

    First thing i would like to say is that I was at coachella and i met a lot of families there spending quality time together listing to their favorit artists and not doing drugs or raping anyone, I also met some people ther who did do drugs and as far as rape goes that sucks, did not meet anyone who did thatnot to say it did not happen but did not meet anyone who felst threatend. So I think that you should try to ban collages, because the drug and rape stats are much worse. Kids are pressured for years rather than 3 days, collage is the place were satan lives not in kings of leon! to be honest nothing you can say or do wil get this thing stopped so shut the fuck up and try to send some good chrristian rock bands to spread the word propperly rather thanb just sendng out your PREDICYTIONS, you web page jsut pisses people off,. get out there and get good christian artists to play i know that many pwople secular and not will watch, that is a wonderful way to spread tha gosipl

    1. Stu

      Richard, did you crap in your pants again? I only ask because your profile picture looks like you crapped in your pant again. Satan will be pleased.

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  58. gigi

    Are you for real? This article should be in The Onion, I feel like you should submit it to them, with all the spelling errors. And I like who mouth sex acts thing, whatever that is…I bet you would like that done on you someday huh? You are pathetic!

  59. thatoneguy

    i onder if anyone is gonna tell this guy that unless you commit suicide it is impossible to go to hell. jesus christ died for humanities sins past, present, and future as such just having faith in the life given to you is enough to get you in heaven. why suicide is the way into hell is because you have lost faith in everything if you’ve reached that point, and so you die faithless and get sent to hell….

    this would be my opinion as a christian…. now my view point as a logical human being…..


  60. Aussie Legend

    Mike Watson, August Weisz & Tyson Bowers III are obviously DEMENTED confused phedophiles….with no real grasp on reality. Or they are funny guys with accsess to a web designer who can make up shit like this to get a reaction.
    August would rape himself if he could reach you dirty looking creep….id knock you out on sight.

  61. Kalen

    This entire article is a joke. It’s riddled with grammatical errors, ridiculous “predidions” and outright lies. Great for a laugh though!

  62. realist

    It’s hard to believe that this article is fact based purely to the fact that the linked Kings of Leon video isn’t actually from last year’s Coachella Music Festival. It’s from the 2009 Redding Music Festival in the UK. Get your facts straight. Have an independent third party do your stats. Don’t take photos out of context.

  63. methuselah

    Rape and orgies were so 647 bc
    Its all about tying people to radiators and “graping” them in the mouth in

  64. methuselah

    Rape and orgies were so 647 bc
    Its all about tying people to radiators and “graping” them in the mouth for coachella this year…

  65. Curious Party

    What are the Summerfest predictions for this year, I want to know how many RAPEX condoms I’ll need.

  66. Drug addicted satanist

    Wooohooo I’m there now! Doing lines of cocaine off of the corpses of aborted fetuses right now, just finished a massive blood orgy lit by the glow of a thousand burning crosses!

        1. Claire

          Why should I? I don’t support cannibalism but I’m pro-choice. Not to mention the fact that he’s obviously joking simply for the sake of being ridiculous, like popanator.

    1. Andrew


      Watch these people are going to say that lifting the automatic weapons ban is responsible for them Mexicans drug dealers killing Americans and infringing on our national sovereignty & the 45% increase in police officer deaths.

      2nd amendment – I will tell you that when one of these drug crazed teens comes after me and my family – they meet a locked, stocked, and two smoking barrels.

      May the Lord have mercy on their soul!

          1. RD

            For threatening to shoot people for coming near you if you think that they’re under the influence of drugs.

            If you were to ACTUALLY shoot them, you’d likely go to prison for murder (in this case, it could be argued to be premeditated, as you expressed a desire to do so ahead of time).

          2. Andrew

            How are allusions:

            to the repeal of banning assault weapons (that are being smuggled into Juarez) have a direct correlation to those two young boys from Texas that were slaughter looking at cars in Juarez

            The Secondary layer of irony is the dearth of a responsible drug policy in the US that fosters the black market that pays for these guns and thereby their usage.

            The irony of massive increases in assault weapons in the United States is directly correlated with increases in police officer shootings.

            Allusion to a Guy Richie film – a reference that everyone should get – “Lock, Stocked, and Two Smoking Barrels” underpinning the irony of the prostitution of the 2nd Amendment by certain political parties.

            These references construct the absurdity of the statement?

            Not following your previous, mate

        1. Andrew

          Did not even make that connection at all when I wrote that, mate. I was trying to work in the reference to a cult classic.

          Hmm – shit… didn’t see that one coming.

      1. Laffy-Taffy

        Nice to know the right-wing psychopaths have a place to meet with other semi-literate pinheads. You’re so intimidating with your big gun talk. Keyboard commandos – priceless!

    2. Laffy-Taffy

      @ August Weisz

      So what should all these “liberals out in the desert” prepare for? Scary pussies like you?

  67. Celebist

    Praise be! Finally someone puts God above all else! I’ve been warning my teenage son that this so called “music” festival was nothing but drugs and sex 24/7.

    I thank Christ for this website. Through him we shall prevail and our morals above these scum. We’ll make them pay for their defiance of God.

    “And God said to them, let they who turn their backs on Christ know true pain and humiliation through disease and death. He who is not of the faith, shall bleed forever from all orifices of pleasure” – Exodus 28.93

    1. Adam

      The prediction calls for 45,000+ pregnancies this year. Look around and realize this is a fake website to goad fundamentalist Christians into doing what they do best: Spouting Bullshit.

      Deuteronomy 23:1:
      “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the LORD.”

      Or even more appropriate, see how many people get married after Coachella based on Deuteronomy 22:28-29:

      “If a man [meets] a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her … He must marry the girl … He can never divorce her as long as he lives.”

      Thanks be to God.

  68. Anonymous

    Obviously you guys made those statistics and graphics yourselves…please learn how to spell “PREDICTION”…second graph!


  69. Fuck You August Weisz

    Fuck You August Weisz, Tyson Bowers III, Richard Brown, and Mike Watson. you all are fucking ignorant pricks, who do not live a normal life, WHAT FUCKIN ASSHOLES COCK SUCK FUCK BITCH WHORE MILK SAC BITCH COCK VAGINA ASS PRICK POP THE CHERY MOTHER FUCKIN GRANDMA FUCKERS, FUCK NO GRANDPA FUCKERS

  70. Diggz

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Great site guys, I love when a spoof really brings out all the idiots, no suprise many of the people that reply fall for it because there so used to the god fearing christians that actually believe s&*T like this!! VIVA COACHELLA!!!!

  71. righteous indignation

    WOW GOOD JOB: Instead of posting IGNORANT GARBAGE like this why not teach kids how to safely partake so they stop fucking dying cuz theyre gonna do it anyways FEAR WONT STOP THEM. Rape is not fucking funny, why dont you teach men its their fault and they need to stand up against it to prevent it you fucking ignorant failures of human beings. You have such good intentions but you are so misguided the ‘good’ has been completely cancelled out and all you have left is pain and fucked up youth. Way to go, christ is looking down on you in shame as you perpetuate this hatred and oppression. FAIL.

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  73. Dead Seal

    You are rapping the minds and hearts of good people and music by your blasphemies and negative, bible poison injected with fear. Your corrupt little adolescent minds and dark agendas to stop free will is against your own ignorant belief system that is the number one terrorist of rape and child molestation. You are the very thing you fear and you will live in hell for all that surrounds you is sin. Sin is the only thing you look for cause you have so little power to live consciously in the light and lead by example. Your failing your so called mission and also showing how much society needs to clean people like you off the streets and put you in the nut house with all your rapist friends so you can hold each others tinny dicks and sing songs about jesus. You have pist off a lot of people and now they are projecting an army of negativity right to your front door. Get ready cause your manifestations will be received and your prayers will not be heard for they lack originality and love. Go suck a dick fuck tards.

  74. Adam Nelson

    You have to wonder how many of these girls there will be pregnant when all is said and done. I’d like to see the stats, because I bet there is some relation in college drop out rates in Southern California area and timing when these young people go to things like this. Pretty scary for parents to think about.

    1. Ice Van Winkle

      I’ve already sent my girls to their room and locked the door from the outside. There is no way they are getting near that filth.

      1. efff thug life coachella!!!



    I ran out of wire coat hangers therefore could not make it to coachella this year to do my usual assistance in the camping area of performing 50 dollar abortions so thanks to everyone commenting on this and keeping me well entertained all day! Oh and shout outs to Methuselah and Mary M…… ‘sup fellow grapers!!!

        1. methuselah

          the answer to everything is zeitgeist, that or giant flying spaghetti monster…

          i should know, I’ve been around for quite some time!

          and the projections for coachella’s unwanted pregnancies are the results of moses not being there to provide economically priced back alley/coat hanger abortion clinic booth this year ( )
          your mouth sexed virgin daughters will have to just have to swallow this year to keep the statistics down…

          1. methuselah

            your reference to hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is lost on everyone but the mice and myself…

  76. Emma Esoteric

    Wow! If I could stop laughing for a moment at the extreme bullshit lies it might make me mad, but it’s so unreal it’s funny. You need to get a life and be happy in Jesus.

  77. TJ

    Regardless of your beliefs, dogma or creed, posting fake statistics with no actual data to back them up is an insult to those who take this seriously and for those who do not.

    Right wing conservatism with no actual merit on the data stated.


    The 11th commandment- Thou shalt not drink thee Kool-Aid if thou hath not revealed thy flavor in which it is emulating.

          1. methuselah

            tang was created as something the astronauts could mix with their urine as a way to conserve water in space! OH NO (kool aid joke)

            and the american space program would be nothing without the aid of the friendly socialists to the north

          2. methuselah

            pretty sure that was due to the fact they were made with good ole american parts and labor

          3. methuselah

            learn your geography, the french quarters border the eastern coastal provinces its not actually considered to be part of canada’s east coast (nova scotia, new brunswick, newfoundland, and p.e.i. are)
            your knowledge of canada is as extensive as the rest of the world is with imperial measurements…

          4. methuselah

            hmmmmmm, the only thing prevalent in alberta and bc is marijuana…

            and no not a frenchy, just a proud green gables kid…

          5. methuselah

            anywhere you know, i know better…
            educated in a system that knows there’s a world full of history outside of its own.

          6. methuselah

            and i wasnt seeking your approval, im damn proud to be a charlottetownian! i am also well aware that bc bud is from bc, but you also have alberta bud grown towards the rockies (thanks to hydroponics you are not subjugated to climactic regions for its growth), and alberta’s oil reserves may rival arabic nations but are in the sands and there isnt an economical way of extracting it for commercial usages

  79. lost oracle

    THis is the craziest article I have ever read. I got this linked by a friend who is a rocker who posted this as a joke, and I was ready to read some actually truthful words as I believe music and pop culture is used to turn our children into mindless fools, but who ever wrote this article is completely fear mongering. Its not funny. The only way your daughter is going to perform 4 oral sex acts at this show is if she is already performing 4 oral sex acts at home…SOOO…for real, stop being afraid, so some balls, and be PARENTS to your children instead of fear mongering like this…Its crazy, kids are posting your article on the internet and making fun of it because of how ludicrous it sounds. Yes, coachella is an expensive, wasteful event, and people are going to do sinful things. But last I checked there were priest and congressmen getting arrested for child molestation, no where is safe, so teach your kids to think instead of teaching them to be run from everything. And mexican drug mules are not going to the event because its so damn expensive. You people live in a fantasy world. in 1929 people were getting shot in the streets for Alchohal. use your brains every once in a while, and whoever wrote this article should be put in jail for liable. Not one of his so called facts is even remotely true or provable. Also, there are lots of rave companies that are ran by members of the air force and coast guard. where I am from I got verbally abused by an officer of the coast guard because I warned 15 year old girls not to dress like whores at raves and do drugs. HE called me a faggot and told the girls that they looked hot…They were 15, and he was in the military…So try not being too high and mighty, there are lots of F*ed up people praying on out children, but most of them are not at coachella…and you know what, if you don’t want your kid to go to Coachella, tell them…And if they wont listen to you its because you failed as parent and they don’t respect you, so get over it

  80. real

    Ignorance… If you want to protest and gain support.
    Don’t exaggerate and make claims of our possibly misguided youth being like the devil and telling them they will not get into heaven… WAY TO GO… Now You’ve made another young person HATE organized religion.

    A true Christian is loving and will educate with ONLY the truth and not exaggerations.
    Invite our society to see the wrong and right

    and Not God Given Truth

  81. Concerned

    I can’t believe this shit. You should be ashamed of yourself for publishing it.

    Do you know how many people you are making look stupid? I realize that you purposely made the graph “projections” a dead giveaway so that everyone would know the article was a joke from the start, but it backfired. It just made people angrier.

    Clearly, Coachella concert-goers are too gullible. They should NOT be used as targets for satire. It’s too easy…it should be against the Geneva Conventions. You should stop, and stop now.

    Pick on someone your own size. The Yes Men took on the entire financial world and had them fooled for a while re: the GE hoax. Maybe try to hoax Time Magazine? Or the New York Times?

    But lay off the internet-surfing concert-goer. You’d have to report on a full-scale alien invasion to get the people commenting here to get a clue. It’s just not right. It’s time to back off. What you’re doing is plain cruel.

  82. mitch stone

    SERIOUSLY?!?!?! You people need to get the DEVIL out of YOU and this judgemental FEAR based website!! YOU are spreading evil! SOME people are not like you and have creative brains that think outside of the box! You should try it and stop being so small minded and judgeing without truely knowing what you are speaking about! Yes there are bad things that happen all oer the place, bt there are MANY inspiring amazing thisngs here that GOD created! OPen your minds and STOP scaring and trying to brainwash people into YOUR interpritation of the Bilbe… People like you are whats evil and scary… think about it!

  83. paul fuck you

    i got pregnant at coachella last year, and i’m a man! faith no more rocked so hard i was actually sonically inseminated by the devil music i had been tricked into hearing, luckily i humbly asked Captain Christ to save me and take the baby away, which of course he did because he and i are both white.

    also, you can tell a spoof christian site from a real one easily because the real christian sites don’t allow free speech. they will censor and moderate and block and delete all day long to make sure nobody says anything they don’t agree with. Everything about modern christianity is a big circle-jerk.

  84. TrailerTrashKilla

    oh damn, i didn’t realize Christwire is all parody of trailer trash:

    if only they did it a little better. as it is, they convince people that Christians are stupid, but also convince stupid Christians that they have some kindred place to go to feel better about their diminishing status in the world.

    so the total effect is a bit like Christianity itself: ineffectual, null, and void.

      1. Claire

        “French is a country, language and culture.”

        The country is actually known as France. And I’m aware that “French” is not actually a race, but you’re prejudice nonetheless against people from other parts of the world. “Racist” is often used interchangeably with “prejudice”.

  85. realist

    The funny thing is that I worked a Christians conference called Campus Crusades which is a college aimed Christian movement and I think I saw more drug usage, sex and other activities with non Christian values than would probably go on at Coachella. #futurechristians

  86. Claire

    “Ok you’re a PE islander. I’m ok with that.”

    So you admit that you wouldn’t be “ok with” somebody based on what part of the world they’re from?

        1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

          Be nice to brother August. He was probably trying to outrun a French rapists when he wrote that.

  87. efff thug life coachella!!!

    dang this shit is funny! damm religious people you should shove a bottle of jagger up your over religious virgin assholes n shut the hell up. like everyones is saying music n art thats our enjoyment in coachella. yea theres gonna be sex,drinking,and drugs but thats afterpartys young sirs!! so let it be ,,,you know damm well you cant stop that so hoo rahhhhh!!!! to SINNERS!!!

  88. Your mother's VAGINA!!

    This is so retarded.. Being from the valley I can honestly say you people can comment on traffic, the festival or anything that has to do with OUR community. Please mind your own business if you do not like what is going on, then don’t come. Take care of your own stuff, the coachella valley is a valley of mexican’s or hispanics which ever is more appropriate for you, I suggest you don’t make these comments in front of a person that may get easily offended. please get your research correct dont just google for pictures and video and put your 2 cents into it..

    1. Tyson Bowers III

      You sound like a racist. I heard there is a lot of Mexicans because they work for the white people who live there.

  89. Mark

    This article is so loaded with false information that the author has sinned in lying to the public to try to create fear. There will not be over 45,000 pregnancies at Coachella and 10,000 cases of STD’s diagnosed after the weekend. These are made up numbers for the purpose of creating fear.

      1. Tyson Bowers III

        We most likely will be responsible for at least a 49% decrease due to this article. Many parents have emailed us saying they banned their children from leaving to the coachella.

        1. woods

          the festival is a business for the people who run it you are just taking money from their pocket. at least they are doing in one place not on a street corner. if you are bothered about people diing or being raped send in some support to offer advice or hand out condoms

          1. Ice Van Winkle

            The best way to prevent women from being raped is to make sure that they are properly dressed in the first place.

  90. Jonathan D(amned) Lingo

    ROFLMMFAO at this! Milk sacs! Mouth sex! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Your mother had sex. Remember that!

  91. Samson

    Mr. Bowers, thank you for the thought provoking article. I knew that Coachella was a den of hedonism, but I was truly shocked at the amount of rape and STD infections that will be going on there. You are doing the Lord’s work, sir, despite what the ignorant Liberal know-nothings such as Claire seem to believe. It is almost like they have no access to the internet, such is their ignorance of the world we truly live in. Please, carry on!

  92. Stu

    ***NEWSFLASH*** It has just been revealed that Tyson Bowers III is a raging homosexual. On Friday, April 15th, he was spotted at the West Hollywood nightclub called “Rage”, dressed in a diaper and dancing with two burley “bears”. More to come, as this story unfolds.

    In other news, recent documents uncovered that local doucebag, August Weisz, had grandparents who supported the nazi party. These documents also have shown that his grandmother (on his mother’s side) used to personally visit Adolf Hitler and piss on his face. More to come, as this story unfolds.

  93. woods

    Get a grip it is their choice to have sex if you go to eh festival you know the dangers that coma with it. two guys on a bike that isn’t gay, its just lazy. if you are bothered about rape there are catholic priests you should have a word with.

  94. Cody

    I was once at coachella so messed up on exstacy i Fisted a Baby. I agree. Drug use is bad. You do crazy things you wouldnt normally do. Im a straight married man and i was fornicating with homosexual males left and right. You cant escape it once the drugs take hold.


      Hi, my name is Marcus and you sir got me pregnant 13 times at Coachella last year so bottom line…the child support papers are in The Chemical Brothers record bag! I wish I was a teenage daughter so I may not have hit puberty yet so I wouldn’t even get pregnant! pssh

    1. Richard Brown

      My daughter listens to them. I am surprised and happy they are not there. Satanic drugs users, the lot of them.

  95. Lex

    The creator of Coachella is Mormon, by the way. I’ll be sure this gets passed along. May want to reconsider your forged statistics. Is blatant lying what Jesus would do?

    1. Richard Brown

      Your misinterpretation of the article is laughable. Please come back and post when have done more research, I’m sure you will see it our way.

      1. Cody

        hahahahaha. Your one to talk. You can even spell “Predictions” right. And those Stats are false. Your lying to get parents on your side [img][/img]

  96. Amanda

    I would Advise EVERYONE to not attend Coachella. I just got just got back home from there and only after one day my butthole is torn to shreds.

  97. Steve

    Morality is doing right, no matter what you are told.
    Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

    H L Mencken

        1. BAN THIS SIT

          Even if it is, is it not offending the world. This was meant to maybe be a joke but if so its fucking everything up for people. Parents are buying into this whole Coachella Rape orgy thing. Fuck this site. am i right or wrong?

          1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

            I’m pretty sure you’re wrong. If a parent (or any adult) were to read through this site and not understand it as parody, I think we can assume they have bigger problems than a website.

            Come on man, “your children will most likely die?” Mouth sex? Wizards?

            Fucking hilarious btw. Made my night.

  98. Cody

    CAn you please let me know if this whole Christ wire thing is a joke. I dont know if you realize that when people on here ask that, there being serious. I really have to know now. theres too much evidence pointing to it being a joke. No one can possibly believe some(or all) of the stuff you put up on this site. No human has that much hate towards everything that goes on. The pasture at my friends church says this site is just a joke. It is right?? Theres no way. Like the article on women not being equal and being bad drivers was kinda funny. It was meant to just be funny correct? Like this whole thing is a joke? it has to be. Cause i didn’t know people still existed that thought women weren’t equal. If this whole thing is a joke Thumbs up. Some of the besy well thought out comedy ive ever seen. If its for real. Your sick twisted and i hope you die in a AIDS fire.

    1. Ice Van Winkle

      Perhaps if you had a Pastor instead of a “Pasture” you’d be taking Christ more seriously. Is that a Muslim thing?

    2. JO

      Its a Joke. The problem is there are people out there that really identify with this kind of stuff. They’re the reason GW Bush was elected. But Smart people, people that realize and use common sense know better . Now bend over!

  99. Pingback: Coachella Day 1. "Coachella is a concert event for neo hippies, naked beer drinkers & drug addicts." | elephant journal

  100. Sjaak Sjoerd

    Afterparty @ Coachella

    After the music silenced our screams for help while being gang raped, everything went silent. Later we were picked up by aliens and probed while forced to listen to christian rock music. It was a night to remember.


  101. Eric

    Wow. If this really is the trolling site that it looks like, I salute you. In fact, I think I’m gonna go chase me some of that cooch-ella myself. Might as well get some extra thick condoms to make sure I’m insulated from the STDs and get a bludgeon and some roofies to make sure that everyone goes back to the tent with me who wants to.

  102. IAMChristian

    Oh I thank the good lord above that I stumbled upon this site. I would never want my teenage son or daughter to die from a drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, sex game gone wrong accident or to be murdered by a Ecstasy induced wizard. I saw an Ecstasy Wizard one time it was horrible! Satan entered his body and I was lucky to escape with my life. Thank You FAILBLOG…opps…..I mean Christwire

      1. dougie howser MD

        holy tits, you are retard, im 19 and im friends with a good many people that perform at and attended coachella. they are not drug addict neo hippies, they are the nicest and coolest people ive ever met. this whole thread is ridiculous. and isnt the christian church on principle the drug of the masses?

        i mean really in medival times they were led to believe in a superstitious “god” or the “invisible man in the sky that only i can see” this made people socially irradict and mindless drones much like a REAL drug addict. and once they stopped going to church they feel begin to feel damned and just go back and pick up the habbit once again.

        its like trying to get an addict off of heroin

  103. LUIS

    Hi, I’m Mexican and I ASSISTED this festival for 5 years. I have no visa I crossed on Tunnels, have created a fortune by selling drugs and spreading sexual transimision diseases! I hope cristianos keep asking for drugs and their wives still want sex, without them none of this would be possible…

    es california !! sin ilegales y drogas todo su pais se va a la mierda !!

    las drogas y las orgias las pide su pueblo !!

  104. stayreal*staytrue

    I can’t believe I just read ALL these comments… this thread kinda makes me not wanna go to Coachella.

  105. Lion heart

    It was evil, evil I tell ya! I was raped numerous times by different satanic girls during Kings Of Leon’s set. And the drinking! The drinking during Flogging Molly’s set was unbelievable! The singer even tossed a few cold ones out to the crowd after their set (I should know, I caught one). I was forced to down it within seconds or else I would face the punishment of having been held down while numerous people would have their way with me. Or at least I think that’s what happened last night, I can’t really recall much except for a lot of bright colors and singing “Drunken Lullabies” at the top of my lungs. Either all of that really happened or I was on the intense DMT trip ever.

    But on a serious note: Those who weren’t there missed some kick-ass performances.

  106. S. Fire

    WOW!!! I haven’t laughed like that at a news article in a long time. First of all, they are breasts, not “milk sacks”. Show some respect for God’s creation. Second, if you want to say something about Planned Parenthood, maybe you should spell it write. Quite trying to scare people into living good lives. A life of fear is not a life. They are going to live their lives no matter what you tell them. Try giving them a message of support and love, so they know if they fall, they have help. Soemtimes you need to fall to learn how to get yourself back up.

  107. Frank

    Please, the last thing the world (and Christianity) needs is your ill-informed, perverse and crazy spew. Go read a book and stay off the web, you know..for Christ’s sake!

  108. Brittnay Stenberg

    I cannot believe ignorant humans like you still exist, you’re disgusting. None of that is true. You know what’s making the STI (by the way, it’s legally STI now, not STD…get with it!) rates go up??? Fucking right wing christians that want to cut Planned Parenthood’s budget because they provide clean, proper abortions. Planned Parenthood treats millions of cases of STIs every year, so without that funding, STIs are going untreated. THAT’S WHAT’S MAKING THE RATES GO UP. I’m proud of you, you’re good at making FAKE data…woo0o0o0o something we all learned how to do in computer class!

    Oh and…you used the wrong tense of “where”

  109. Leo

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ah the pathetic garbage you people spew from your mouths. Don’t be upset because your children have fun and you want to rule the every move they make. You got a problem go cry about it to god im sure he will listen… oh wait…. well at least he will be there to watch as your daughters lose their virginity and your sons feel up on whoever they want. Hope they love the beer bongs and unprotected sex that goes on ALL OVER that festival! Lets hope aids will soon be introduced into your blood line :) cant wait!

  110. J. Conway

    First off, I’m amused by everyone taking this article seriously. Second, though, I have to say I’ve never seen an article with so many typos before. Are the misspellings intentional, for increased trolling? Or is there really a lack of an editor here?

  111. awesomeness

    HAHAHA this is so hilarious that there are that many ignorant people out there that actually think this site is real and serious! Satire is awesome.
    I wish I was at Coachella!
    Can’t wait for a satire article about Burning Man! I will be at that festival! Woo hoo!

  112. FenrisWolf

    Dude the music is awful what else am I supposed to do! Take drugs till it sounds good!!!

  113. Benjamin Carnahan

    Hahahahahahahaha, this crap is great. This article just makes me want to go to Coachella even MORE!

  114. Adam Flurk

    This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read in my life. Rape, Drug use and murder happens all over the world. I highly doubt that the main objective of this event is to rape “America’s daughters” and that if your children attend this event that it is highly likely for them to die.

    Believe in God, Allah, Buddah, whatever you like…its your right….but to spend this amount of time putting together an article that makes you seem pretty paranoid and bitter is a bad look on your part for Christianity as a whole.

    Seriously, develop something better to do with your time.

  115. Brent

    Hahaha, this is one of the most amusing satirical pieces I’ve ever read!!!! Or is it parody? Well, whatever, it was funny. This is Onion worthy.

  116. Patrick

    This article is full of fake facts and bull! The worst part is this religious group of people that follow you and read this article are falling for it, hook, line and sinker. Is it a wonder why most of the world hates religion and most especially religious people? You jack asses use hate tactics and false information to bullshit these people into following you out of fear! If you want people to follow you, do it with love, kindness and TRUTH! I know for a FACT you made up more than 98% of these facts and statistics. For gods sake, you even used the phrase “milk sacks” as if saying breasts was forbidden. You people make me SICK! At times I think freedom of the press goes to far, and it usually is pushed beyond the point of normalcy and sanity by jack pricks like you!

  117. Brandon

    Lol. For the first time, the masses of non-christians seem dumber than the masses of christians. The site is a joke you idiot commenters.

    1. LaughingToHardToBeFunny

      I’m getting more concerned with every screen of comments. I hadn’t realized education had gotten this bad.

  118. BIG BOY

    Theres prolly nothing i dig more than a good ‘ol fashion cock in my mouth. Ive had tons of young boys be converted to gay. You Christians better watch your kids close cause us queers well were everywhere. It all started with one tab of exstacy too. I was at a day festival with my friends and before i knew it we were all humpin an kissing an fuckin. Beware of this Coachella. It turns children into gays. I cant Even look at a pussy anymore. Its just dick dick dick from here on out.

    1. Porkins McClaren

      amazing, big boy is my new hero, you fuckin christers are out of your fucking minds, if there is a hell im gonna laugh when you go there and the devil fucks you in the ass

  119. Pingback: Not at Coachella? Consider yourself saved!!! (Humor) | URB.COM

  120. Erica

    Wow this site is a piece of work. And uses it’s Christ likeness to influence weak ppl with the wrong information! Anyone who believes this needs real mental help! But y’all too weak anyways!

  121. Pingback: Coachella is a Festival of disease and sin (with stats that are in no way made up)

  122. Laffy-Taffy

    “neo hippies, naked beer drinkers and drug addicts”

    Sounds like my kind of place! Where do I sign up?

    Is it only the beer drinkers who get naked? I’d like to see some naked “neo-hippies” and nude drug addicts, too.

  123. Pingback: ChristWire: ‘Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Most Likely Will Die.’ | Disinformation

  124. paul

    hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahah an ectasy induced wizard. you all must be high to be coming up with stuff this good.

    1. Christian Intellectual

      Don’t laugh this is a serious issue.
      We Christians don’t need to use drugs because we can get high on Jesus.

      1. Laffy-Taffy

        How do you get high on Jesus? I understand the transubstantiation thing, but wine doesn’t do it for me. Is there a way to freebase? Can I snort him? Roll him into a joint? Suggestions?

  125. Natalia

    seriously….you should retired now from your carrier cuz you suck at it soooo bad!!! hahaha this is the most ridiculous website i’ve seen in my life!!! get a life and let others live please!!

    1. Ice Van Winkle

      And yet here you are Natalia. Why do you think that is? Perhaps Jesus is whispering to you.

      Listen to him.

  126. uh Wut?

    Dear 99% of commenters on this article

    1) Watch Brass Eye, it’ll probably make you angry.
    2) Read The Onion
    3) Check for the definition of satire
    4) You’re idiots.


    Someone who understands that this website is a satirical jibe at over-zealous Christians and whose authors probably would enjoy the shenanigans at Coachella.

  127. Rev. Angus

    Hello to my good people!

    Now hush up, and hear the word of the Good Lord! I do declare, that this “Poachella” what-have-you, is the devil tryna rape your ears, and your virgins! Lordi, Lordi, Ima scared to know what happens at that Hell on Earth place. My hometown of Chintuck, Louisiana will not see this Devilish combuschin of filth! Head my words, children, while you still have your virgin daughters!!!!

  128. Former catholic

    I’m going to send my mother this link, she doesn’t understand why I renounced Catholicism, obviously baby raping priests condemning far less egregious acts from their glass house hasn’t been enough to convince her, maybe now she’ll understand.

    1. Christian Intellectual

      How is a Christian article warning concerned parents about the dangers of a “Festival of Disease and Sin” going to help her understand that you are now a Militant Satanist?.

  129. Ice Van Winkle

    Based on all the responses on this article I think it is safe to say that quiet a few young people have chosen not to attend this Satanic trap.

  130. Paul

    Just watching this has given me an insatiable hunger to go to Coachella, pop a few pills, then embark on a 48-hour homosexual-rape frenzy. You know, spread a bit of the ‘gay plague’ and maybe pick up and STI or two.

    Fake or otherwise the ‘reporter’ (and I use that word sparingly) has quite possibly THE worst grasp of the English language and grammar I have ever seen published. You are an embarrassment and should seriously consider some private tuition or the employment of a half-decent proof-reader.

  131. Chani

    Honestly, all I can say here is lololololololololololololololol

    You are so mentally challenged, it’s freaking hillarious. Also, that festival looks like great fun! You should pull the bible out from your ass and lighten the fuck up, douche bag.
    Christianity is MEANT to be about peace and forgiveness and acceptance. It’s people like you that make me hate all religion with a passion. Instead of preaching the good word and having people follow god, you’ve pushed them away. Well done sir.

  132. steemer

    I contracted three STD’s and was gang raped before I was killed by a drug overdose and a sex act gone horribly wrong last year. Can’t wait to do it all again this year!

  133. MALCO

    You sick, warped, insane psychotic, Evangelical, miscreant so-and-so’s are BEYOND redemption.

    IF there were a Christ, he would LAUGH at you for your condemnation.

  134. MALCO

    You sick, warped, insane, psychotic, Evangelical, miscreant so-and-so’s are BEYOND redemption.

    IF there were a Christ, he would LAUGH at you for your condemnation.

  135. HAHA!!!

    Written by a true idiot (and I am sure there is a village of you somewhere on the middle of nowhere)… =D Whata brainwashed piece of crap.. =]

  136. Gabriel

    Obviously the person who authored this “article” is a complete moron. I didn’t read past the first paragraph….Why? Three words used or spelled incorectly and one example of improper grammar. That many mistakes in three sentences tells me all I need to know about the uneducated dimwit who wrote this. How can anyone believe a word of this when the author is obviously barely literate!?!

  137. Kunj

    i was at coachella last year, and i raped so many girls at coachella, got them all pregnant, them aborted all of them… they were all under 14… it was great

  138. Herb

    Alright okay so just because those people are screaching and standing around a car they must be selling drugs? Or the two guys on the bicycle have to be gay and going to sodomize each other? What? If these things are going on then show it! Be a journalist and document it. Your story has no legs. If you came to me at a news agency and gave me this drive by media footage, I would spike the story.If there are rapes occuring then how about asking the local Law Enforcement. Have the Local Law Enforcement had an increase in the drug busts in and around this concert? Document it. Do you not read how the opposition is laughing at you? Document your claims. I don’t see how it would be that hard to do. But for God’s sake do not make unfounded suppositions or someone will catch you at it and use it to beat you in the head. Go do some real journalism, don’t just drive by and tell what you think is going to happen or who you think these people are. Do interviews gather statistics. take actual footage. Don’t make Christians look stupid.

  139. Paul

    Wow! Just read the article. Never been to Coachella, but after reading this article I really want to go. Sounds like an amazing time there!

  140. Rob

    Man this article is so friggin funny I cant stop laughing!!! Hahhaaa. Great comedy well done.

    This is a spoof article right? A post strictly for entertainment purposes based on novelty sarcasm right? I surely hope so, because if it’s actually a real blog post with the intent of being taken seriously, by a real author, for real people, well. . .that’s a sad comment on the intellectual evolution of the human race!

  141. Den

    This is hysterical on all levels.
    Then wrapped around so many other gut-bursting aspects.
    What I REALLY hope is that there are ton of fake responses to this too to perpetuate how stupid people who take offense to such an obviously fake article sound.
    Thank you!

  142. KR

    In every religion there is always an extremest and it takes one person like this to make Christians look bad and it also takes a naive person to believe that this is the basis of Christianity. Plus these sites are always bogus. I only heard of this through someone else and really it just makes me sad and angry as a Christian that there are people like this. Ans he looks like a mad man…

  143. AnnaJRomano

    Man, stop arguing!!
    I’m 13 and I fucking went to Coachella with my cousin who’s 18 this year , i didn’t get fucked! And my cousin didn’t either!! Of course people drink beer, that’s normal in a festival,mabye they are drugs but if there ask you all you have to say is no!
    Coachella is where you can meet new people,and sometimes you even get to meet celebritys! I mean come on! You dads are crazy for your daughters, i’m a girl and i’m 13 and my parents don’t worry , cause they were hippies when they were younger and they didn’t smoke drugs or get raped at festivals … I REST MY FUCKING CASE!

  144. No.

    I wish that every person who commented against this thread and took it seriously would receive a sterilization by mail so they can never, ever, ever reproduce. I mean seriously, look at some of the other articles on this website if you’re that dense. Denim panties for christ. Crusaders against rabbits.
    … no? Not even a single iota of research (which I might add, in some cases, equated to a total of roughly 2 clicks from this article) before spewing some sort of agenda no one cares about and just came to a website for a laugh? Thought so.
    SAVE A BABY, don’t attend Coachella. 😉

  145. No thanks.

    You might want to consider that if you’re going to write a scathing article about an event you didn’t attend, that you should have correct spelling, grammar and punctuation. Just saying.

  146. Jinx

    Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

    I don’t buy any of this christian bulls**t, the bible is nothing but a story book to scary and put children to sleep. But just because I don’t believe in the christian faith doesn’t mean I am going to push my belief’s on them, instead I’m going to use their own s**t against them. 😀

  147. Axel

    What’s the matter people, don’t like jokes?

    * If anyone still hasn’t noticed, this is a parody sites. But thanks for leaving entertaining comments for the rest of us to laugh at.

  148. Max

    For real though, before you start posting this nonsensical bilge, learn some grammar… May be and maybe are two DIFFERENT things. God obviously didn’t bless you with the the skills to manipulate the english language.

  149. Mark

    Are you insane? This is so not true. If you believe this you need to rethink who you are getting information from. I have been to this concert for the last 8 years. I am a responsible adult. I have never even seen one fight at Coachella. No one is being raped and there are no orgies or murders. Give me a break.

  150. Pingback: and Cee Lo Green Team Up to Take Down Coachella | ChristWire

  151. GOD

    This site is awesome. I had no idea that there were so many IDOTS out there that actually thought this way. Thank you for this article, it has been a great source of entertainment and laughs for me and my friends (Jesus, Mary who I took to pound town last night, and the rest of the shepherds and wise men).

    Join the rest of society. You are no better than the terrorists in the middle east.

  152. Seanzy

    HAHHA You guys are so fucking Stupid! Gods going to fly down and Cock Smack all of you for being so retarded and taking shit.

    Its a Fucking awesome Music festval!!

  153. Pingback: The Big 4 – Another Concert to Promote Satanic Fornication and Vampiric Orgies | ChristWire

  154. Pingback: Top 10 Enemies of Chris†: Gay Gateway Moms, Hippies and James Franco – HO NO! | ChristWire

  155. wow

    this is probably the funniest article ever. where do u get these “statistics”?????? pretty sure i didn’t see one of the things you are talking about you crazy lol. how messed up was this guys upbringing and how messed up are his kids if he has any is the real question lol.

  156. Dan

    since when in the history of man does the act of being bare back make someone a homosexual … utter rubbish and poppycock !! Stop your superficial judgements. Where is your “christian” alternative? Where is your conglomeration of sacred artists coming together to deliver good music? STFU

    condescending bigotry is what this is!!!!

  157. Z DOG

    BAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!! sex wizards? milk jugs? man who wrote this fantastic piece of hilarity???

  158. Pingback: LA Weekly Tries to Challenge ChristWire to a Gay Fight | ChristWire

  159. S-Man

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, “sponsored by Planned Parenthood” HAHAHAHA, You know that, according to Jon Kyl (the actual killer in all the scream movies*), 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortions*. The other 20% is spent stealing that one sock that always goes missing out of the dryer*, with an additional 25% spent performing Satanic rituals* and not giving low income women pre-natal health care*. Jon Kyl told me that right after I picked him up from his weekly Neo-Nazi meeting*. The he did some heroin* and ate a live puppy*. Later on we crank called Obama and asked him for proof of a gym membership* and Jon Kyl had a lot of gay sex with slew of puerto-ricans male strippers*. Plus what is this Coachella homo gang bang? Ill tell you what Jesus would do, he would light all those butt-buddy queers on fire and send them to hell, but he can’t because he’s too busy burying dinosaur bones to throw all you blasphemers off so that he can make a clean get-away. That was intended to be a factual statement*.
    * = was not intended to be a factual statement

  160. Pingback: Stagecoach – A Festival of Alcoholism, Insect and White Trash. Your Children Will Most Likely Become Incest Lovers and Racists | ChristWire

  161. Uh Wut?

    This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical. This website is satirical.

  162. miranda

    well you see I went to coachella and had a lot of fun and it was really amazing actually. unlike some hippies that go there i dont litter and i do care about the earth. although you might of seen some bad things happen it dosnt meen coachella is a bad place filled with bad people. Even if you do get pregnate its not there fault. i get that some hippies are just disgusting but when you actually get to know them they are not that bad. so i would suggest that you dont say such hurtful things about hippies. and by the way coachella is about the music! thats the only reason i go. not to get pregnate or STD’s. get your facts straight!

    1. taylor

      I AGREE! 😀 it was really fun :) i had like the best time of my life. i smoked i drank and had sex hardcore with two really hot guys 😉

  163. Pingback: Bonnaroo – A Festival of Heroin, Gay Sin Docking, Mud Orgies and Black Magic | ChristWire

  164. connor O brien

    What this article does not do is provide clearly substantiated references to the datasets upon which it’s lurid claims are made.

    So here’s one for you!

    AIDS and HIV cases in Christian Clergy are currently 4 times the rate of the general population.

    “KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Debate erupted nationwide after The Kansas City Star reported that Roman Catholic priests in the US are dying from AIDS-related illnesses at a rate 4 times higher than the general population and the cause is often concealed on their death certificates.

    In a three-part series, the newspaper said death certificates and interviews with experts indicated several hundred priests have died of AIDS-related illnesses since the mid-1980s and hundreds more are living with HIV, the virus that causes the disease.”

    Kansas City Star, 1/31/2000, 1/30, 1/29; Reuters, 1/31; AP, 1/30

    The article cites a number of studies.. bear in mind this piece is ten years old, and things have gotten worse…. across ALL Christian denominations. These figures probably apply to ALL Organised Power Structures….. because the key problem is the profound lack of empathy inherent in the use of Power, be it Religious, Secular or Ideological.

    However, it takes that quality that Jesus demonstrated, 100% HONESTY plus EMPATHY, to be in a position to address these issues in a healthful manner. A certain amount of personal courage is also useful.

    Qualities lacking in the editorial team. Oh well! We do what we can!

  165. Rapture 2011

    My Heathen boss gave me tickets to Coachella. I thought I’d check it out. I was a bit peckish when I got there so I stopped by a concession stand. I tried three times to order some “Freedom Fries” with my grilled cheese (American cheese only please). When they didn’t acknowledge my order I left the festival. I mean what the heck? Oh yeah, I think the guy serving was some kind of foreigner, too.

  166. Pingback: Christwire Issues Hilarious Coachella Warning – Phoenix Music – Up on the Sun : Entnewstoday

  167. Pingback: Coachella Festival Will Now Be Two Weekends of Man Butt Horseplay and Heroin Drugs | ChristWire

  168. Pingback: LA Weekly: The Most Radical Newspaper You Aren’t Reading | ChristWire

  169. Neoconstipated

    Thanks to the Chris†Wire, I’ve been able to identify for the authorities one of the criminal whorelots under the “Photos of Your Daughters Dressed Like Whores and Hippies.”
    The firm legged seductress wearing the grossly over-sized hooker spectacles in the “hello-sailor” boots is holding a lysergically laced narcotic slushee. She was going up to newly arriving automobiles and offering hits of the concoction. The unsuspecting victims were then allowed to become delirious in a drugged trance before she slinked sexual sin. Those boots were seen sticking out of back seat windows all night long. The parking lot prostitute entertained the “fellas” with her open legged antics until backs snapped and grown men were seen weeping as they laid in puddles of vile fleshbox fluids and their own tears and secretions.
    I’ll be forwarding this photograph on to the local authorities.

    (Bitch owes me money for new shock absorbers.)

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  171. Nathanael Reffitt

    I used to be more than happy to seek out this internet-site.I wished to thanks on your time for this wonderful learn!! I definitely having fun with every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you weblog post.

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  173. talissa

    I love being a sinner. You guys are all missing out, seriously. You guys are the reason why I’m fucking glad I’m atheist. Awww yeaaah.

  174. Nigel Covington

    It sickens me that parents have no control over their little pukes now-a-days. What do these idiots expect will happen to them when attending any festival that is nothing more than a cornucopia of sin and human wickedness.

  175. lordfothedance

    I would like to take a moment to address anyone who gets offended by this page for any reason (comments included) and decides to TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS!

    A.) Getting emotional (pissed, sad, manic, etc.) and then typing/saying something doesn’t make you right.

    B.) Bible thumpers, hippies and God-less heathens have feelings too.

    C.) I’m probably feeding the troll

    Oh yeah…. relax, it’s satire anyway.


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