Gays Invent Candy Bracelet Underwear

When gays aren’t out craving ass nectar and partying it up at late night gay meetups of shoots and ladders, they are in their homo factories plotting attacks against humanity with weapons of mass gaystuction.

You would think while the world is praising President Bush’s victory against Pakistan, the gays could put aside their evil plots for one week. But just like any other terrorist organization, the gays are relentless with their plans for rainbow world domination. They will stop at nothing until each man is wearing low rise, boot cut skinny jeans and every woman be apart of the lesbian collective coalition.

The masterminds of fabulous and cheque have unleashed a new type of yummy yum underwear for children to wear. Why would they want to do this? Well, like all things unnatural, gays are mentally unbalanced and they want their prey to be pre-seasoned with sugar sweet goodness and what better why to enjoy a good ol’ fashion child forced entry, than to have your victim already marinated in pearls of sugar.

That’s right! Gays want you children to get used to wearing such things, so when they are faced with a predator, they will already be basked in sugar plummed flavors that any gay couldn’t resisted to sink their teeth into. A gay already can’t resist the smell of a young males pheromones, but when you top it off with a chastity belt of raver goodies, they blood thrust is far too great.

We have been told that these parts of undies are being sold at such gay friendly retailers like, GAP, Bana Republic, Forever 21, Diesel and Express. Let us protest these stores in hopes to keeping our children innocent from the touch of a leather bear stalker.

16 thoughts on “Gays Invent Candy Bracelet Underwear

  1. Johnny Luchador

    Oh hell yea, I just bought 4 pairs, badass! Thanks for showing me the way to this Magical new invention in clothing fashion!

    1. Chanler Jackson

      AHA. How very clever using the bible to attempt to strengthen an ignorant argument because what, Gays were in Sodom and Gomorrah and that’s why those cities were destroyed?

      Let’s ignore all the contridictions in the bible such as the wives of Cain and Abel materializing after I’m pretty sure God had only created Adam and Eve, who bore only two sons.

      It’s edible underwear. If anything, it’s a sexual accessory which I happen to know, many HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE USE. But GODFORBID you corrolate premarital sex or sex not for the sake of procreation to something that is actually good.

      Ever hear of the word fun?

      It’s something you and you’re wife might have (pity if you have one) if you bought her a pair.

      1. Blanche Beecham

        You may kindly take your agenda someplace more craven than the holy comments section of ChristWire.

        Not everyone is interested in choking on the hair-coated candy off Satan’s scepter you nasty person.

  2. the freak

    lol i’ve seen these around since forever. spencers gift stores has carried them for at least 10 years.
    i don’t know if the article is really that thick or if it’s just so tongue in cheek they’re making a glory hole in their face. but whatever
    mostly i think the candy is gross and i bet it hurts to even wear.
    all the bible bullshit needs to find a new scapegoat.
    i hear there’s a rise in teenage pregnancy. where’s the warcry there? come on bible thumpers you have to put a stop to this. like make the legal marrying age 13 so they won’t be unwed at least.
    remember when being a bastard was such a huge deal?
    and if your mom wasn’t married you would be born in a jail?
    times change.
    but idiocy reigns.

  3. Jer

    GAP, Bana Republic, Forever 21, Diesel and Express? Which ones? I frequent those shops, haven’t seen any candy undies. But then again, that’s too much work. When I’m fucking a guy, I don’t want to eat some candy before I get to the real goods!

  4. Jeff Damal

    What flavor do these so called “underpants” exhibit? It is one thing to flaunt skimpy and provocative clothing in ways that push the envelope of good taste, but I draw the line when the actual taste of artificial grape flavoring is added. What is next? Can’t one enjoy the simple flavor of Tropical Punch without getting a pubic hair caught in ones’ teeth? These “candypants” are the equivalent of a gateway drug to prostitution, pedophilia, fist-thick-ten-inch-dildo-rape-scenes and black market babies. How can one serve Kool-Aid to the neighborhood children without them referring to it as “the same flavor as my underwear”! I am calling my Congress(wo)man!


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