An important question was brought up at Sunday Sanity Service and the question was “If you where God, how would you punish homosexuals?” The room was very quite and no one had any real thoughts besides the normal burning at the stake option. No one really had any ideas on how to properly handle a frenzied fecal fister or a clam catching Carly. So, we posted this question on Facebook and got some very odd replies and wanted to same them with you.
Here are some answers from our Facebook friends:
- Cancel glee.
- Provide evidence that Liberace was straight.
- No more sequals to Sex in The City.
- Tie them up with handcuffs and straps and have large men in leather beat their bare behinds with paddles repeatedly. That’ll show ’em!
- I would melt there anuses and mouths shut to prevent them from committing any gross homo acts
- Make gay males watch lesbian porn and make lesbians watch gay porn
- Gay men? Cut their shoe budget in half. Gay women? Double their shoe budget
- I’d create another language gap so the homo gays will be unable to convey and spread their homo gay ways.
- I’d send them to their own special hell with lots of Cher playing on the PA and mandatory burlesque/drag shows every Thursday.
- Let them get married
- give them all cankles
- I’d invent aids.
We also did some polling around our towns and here are some statistics:
We would like you to leave some comments below on how you would punish the gay homos if you were God.
The Bible makes it clear they will burn in Hell.
I use the bible to wipe my ass with.
I would give them one chance to stop sinning, them cleanse them in eternal fire if they said no.
Oh, definitely by letting them/us get married.
I mean, having a spouse and family to care for? It’s bad enough that heterosexuals need divorce.
How about surrounding them with jerks always telling them they will burn in hell? Or that pose questions such as “if you were god, how would you punish homosexuals?”
are you serious? i have read a few articles from this site and i just cant figure out if this is serious or just really good satire. its just so ridiculous that i cant help but think it must not be real. i mean, can a person living in this century honestly have such ignorence? i am a christian and i truly believe that people who go around condeming others and telling them what they believe is ‘god’s punishment’ are sinning much worse than anyone else. futhermore i dont think being gay is a sin at all. god is love and so why in the world would he condemn someone for loving? if you are serious about all of this i have only one thing to say to you. try reading your bible with love as the standard instead of hate. if this is satire however, i take my hat off to you sir you’ve captured the bigot perfectly!
Yes, it’s satire
When homosexuals relentlessly torment us by crying for marriage rights and gay adoption rights, we have every right to be upset and complain. We do not want them out and about, forcing their agenda into our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. And what’s wrong with letting gays know they will burn in hell, Bob? There is no reason to sugar coat the facts for the dandy lickers.
“I just want the gays to leave my country and die, is that so wrong?”
—Adam in a nutshell.
I never said that, so don’t put “quotes” around it.
“I want gays to have the right to molest any person they choose.”
-The Comedian, in a nutshell
““I want gays to have the right to molest any person they choose.””
By that logic, Adam, that means that giving straight people the right to marry and adopt is giving them the right to molest any person they choose.
I’m not the one who’s constantly telling people how they should live their lives based on a fairy tale, nor am I the one who says and starts a barrage of misinformation about homosexual people. Care to explain where you got your ‘facts’ as to why ‘gays molest people’ or some bullshit?
Well, obviously, he made them up, or got them from another person who made them up. The point is, he can’t prove it.
Here you go Adam, you dicksnot:
“When homosexuals relentlessly torment us by crying for marriage rights” EXCUSE ME? THERE IS NO RELENTLESS TORMENTING, WE ARE ADVOCATING FOR OUR RIGHTS AS HUMAN BEINGS ON THIS PLANET “and gay adoption rights, we have every right to be upset and complain.” NO BECAUSE WE AREN’T DOING SHIT. YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE THE ONES BRAINWASHING YOUR CHILDREN AND RELENTLESSLY TORMENTING PEOPLE BASED ON YOUR BELIEFS FROM A FICTIONAL PLAGIARIZED BOOK YOU CALL THE BIBLE. “We do not want them out and about, forcing their agenda into our lives.” HYPOCRITE-ENOUGH SAID “There is nothing wrong with that.” I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN DOUCHE BAG. “And what’s wrong with letting gays know they will burn in hell, Bob?” IT’S CALLED BEING A FREE THINKING, SOVEREIGN, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING WHO ISN’T WASTING THEIR LIFE ON THIS PLANET. “There is no reason to sugar coat the facts for the dandy lickers.” YOU ARE AN IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER…NOT MUCH ELSE TO SAY.
i’m pretty sure this article qualifies as blasphemy.
yeah people who judge gays are all going to hell. it’s right there in your beloved bible.
ofcourse it’s allso that book that clearly explains that hell was destroyed so basicly god is punishing you by sending you to a place he allready removed from existance…. i know he’s allpowerful but how the fuck does that work?
I’d fist each of their poopie holes while delicious pooey wet juices leek on my face!
I cant help but feel like this entire site is an elaborate joke. the one about demon chineese-dragon people made me crack up.
….I actually cried when I read this….. And I still am… TT^TT
i’m a lesbian…this is so offending i didn’t CHOOSE to be lesbian, i just am.
People with long hair are evil and should be burned…wait didn’t JC have long hair so if you said yes to the first part you must hate him too.
I wouldn’t punish them! I’d snuggle them and let them love whoever they wanted! It doesn’t matter if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman. Get serious, please.
Love is a very stong thing. It changes you a lot. What you think about, what you dream of… All of that! Now, we all know how racist and homophobic this website is, so this probably won’t get through their thick skulls but…
WHO FUCKING CARES IF PEOPLE ARE GAY OR NOT?!!!?!?! It’s just your sexuality!
-That smart-ass young ushanka-wearing girl
I’d say “Thank you for showing the world the way I wanted it.”