Paula Deen isn’t taking the fecal tossing blitz anymore! In her recent Twitter email, she blasts the media for racial profiling her and letting a Mexican free of murder, while she is heckled to bankruptcy.
Alva, KY – 46 year old Kentucky man, Craylon Marcus, has served his mother with a outrageous lawsuit claiming her selfishness to not abort him while he was a fetus has caused him years of emotional and mental abuse. Mr. Marcus’ lawyer, Brian Miller, claims post non-abortion sickness is a serious mental illness and shouldn’t be taken lightly. “Over 75 people a year in the US are diagnosed with PNAS and it is time for their rights as unwanted fetus’ to be heard. People claim it is the mother’s right to have an abortion or not, but no one is there fighting for the little one growing inside of her. No one ever asks for his opinion. It is my goal to ease my client’s suffering by punishing his mother for her lack of responsibility.” Miller stated in a news conference earlier today.
Miller plans to also filing a class action suit against Americans who do not practice anti-pregnancy sex.
PRIDE Week; for those who don’t follow homosexual propaganda and are not viewers of MSNBC, is a week long celebration of confused American’s choice of submitting themselves to the tragic and lonely lifestyle of that of a homosexual. The lifestyle itself has 51 shades of sickness in its complexity and why people choose to walk down this path of darkness, narcissism and self hatred is beyond me. Just like any fad, the homosexual life style is at its peak, but will soon burst its rainbow colored assortment of frail balloons and float slowly to the streets where it will be swept away into the gutters of America.
For a whole week, the government and American’s pretend to accept millions of drug induced Cher fans, who rather spend their days day-dreaming about copious amounts of unprotected sex, glamorous interracial lifestyles and frantically watch their DVR’d BRAVO shows while sipping cosmos or some kind of low calorie non-American made beer. To expose what really goes on at a PRIDE Week celebration for those unaware of its dangers, I have listed three underground gay phenomenons that fuel the week of gay infused festivities.
Gaytheists and Twinksters
These are two sub genres of gayness that have recently oozed from the dark musky cracks of the homosexual community and have been making quite a stir in social circles around the world. A Gaytheist is a bottom burrower who believes Jesus Christ was a homosexual and they group up in protest packs and try to force their asinine belief onto young children, just like how they forcefully and uncomfortably push their lifestyle choice onto America. They have even tried to petition The Vatican to agree that Jesus himself partook in gay orgy like activities with his disciples in the desert.
A Twinksters is a homosexual hipster and you can see handfuls of these stuck in the 80′s limp wristers trying to preach their liberal art degree’d minds amongst the straight attendees at PRIDE Week. Quoting movies to validate their ridiculous arguments is the typical modus operandi for these trucker cap wearing mumble anus’.
Borderline Overdoses of Rectal Drug Intake
You can’t spell PRIDE Week without the words “Drugs” and “Rectal Insertion” and be sure the drugs are delivered by the bus full directly from Mexico. It has been said that over 80,000 drugs are taken per day at PRIDE Week and 96% of those drugs are taken rectally. This is because the gay’s anal cavity has the ability to ingest large pill form objects fast than their mouth, but the speed of this process depends on whether they are a power bottom, bottom, top or verse.
Kid Photo Swapping Games
Just like Pokemon, gays need to collect as many young children as possible, but since that is illegal, they do it in a form of a card game. The game is just like the popular Majik game; players bring their deck of cards and battle each other to win new cards from their opponents. Instead of attack cards with vampires or some squirrel with lightning powers, these cards are images of children they find on the internet, print them out onto card stock and they mark the cards with what are called urge points. The urge points signify how “hot” or “how much one wants to poke the child” and each rating is verified and approved by their friends over at NAMBLA. The game is easy, players drop down their cards and the one with the highest urge points wins the hand. After winning the hand, the winner can go and pick one card that tickles their musky taint area the most out of the winning pile and add it to their deck.
New studies have been released showing that 37% of the US fish consumption is from lesbian Americans. Researchers are amazed at these findings as they believed that straight men where the kings of fish eating. This study also shows that lonely lesbian Americans don’t care if the fish is old and musky, bloody and don’t have an issue with sharing the same piece of fish with multiple lesbians at one time. Along with these findings, researchers report that only 3% of homosexual men eat fish and surveys show they are more of hot beef eating fans, like hot dogs or kielbasa and the study is lead scientists to believe that 9% of straight men lie about their love for fish products and are actually closeted haters of fish altogether.
Shocking images from NASA are being displayed across America after a galaxy in the shape of a man’s penile organ was discovered earlier this week. NASA has been plastering the artist rendition of Galaxy-1axbc7, or as major gay organizations are calling it, “Galaxy Penile” or “Galaxy Gay”. Homosexuals are already trying to claim this is solid proof that their is other forms of gay life within the universe and also proves that God creates gay things. Scientists are saying at the tip of the duel galaxy, there are millions of stars ejecting themselves out to deep space and on their way to collide with other foreign deep universe masses. Every news station has flashed this galactic erotica onto televisions across America and I fear children maybe victims of visual molestation via this photo.
Just days after the Supreme Court illegally OK’d the right for Obama to force middle class American’s to pay for non-contributing tax payer’s health care, he has also added an addendum to his health tax. This added foot note will force all major health care providers to supply all homosexual customers with a new care plan called the Homosexual Ocracy Medical Option or H.O.M.O plan. This plan will allow homosexuals to not be denied coverage for the dangerous lifestyle choices they enact and guarantees unlimited coverage for gerbil like or foreign object incidents, drug overdoes and disease treatment. This new free health care for non-producing citizens again puts the tax payer on the bottom where their wallets are forcefully slammed and gaped to pay for those who live life without responsibly.
So-called “amazing news” has come to the Black American community according to Dr. Jerome Wilson and Dr. Tyres Johnson. Today both doctors have claimed they have created synthetic watermelon and both claim this scientific breakthrough is what the Black American community has been desperately been waiting for. This scientific venture was funded with over $4 million dollars by grant money given to the two doctors from Boost Mobile and Kool-Aid. Even President Obama has even acknowledge this oddly proclaimed discovery by awarding the doctors by clearing their criminal records and removing their child support responsibilities. When asked why they didn’t spend their time and money looking for the cure for Sickle Cell, a virus that affects many of their members in Black America, Dr. Johnson said:
“Cause a mo’ fo’ wif dah Sickle rather be finna wif a watermelon and be chillin’ instead of having Sickle and no melon.”
Troubling news has rocked middle class America today after a judge in Livingston, Alabama ruled on a lawsuit filed by The NAACP that, white children selling Kool-Aid is racist. The NAACP claims that white children serving Kool-Aid, especially Grape Kool-Aid is a direct form of violent racism. They also claim white parents are the ones creating Kool-Aid stands to secretly develop racist tendencies within their children. When asked how this is a form of racist, The NAACP sent a statement saying:
White folks know that black children love Kool-Aid and know that Grape Kool-Aid is even more adored by black kids. These whites setup traps to lure those black children into their suburbs so their community can point and look at them like they are some kind of zoo animal. They might as well ask them if they want some watermelon or grits with their Kool-Aid for an extra $.25. How would whites feel if us black people allowed our children to open up caviar stands in our hoods, just so we could get little white children to come into our area so we can point and laugh at them?
New photos of a man made island have surfaced this week. According to sources, this new structure is being created and funded by “Gays for Achievement and Growth” aka, “GAG” and will be a private resort for gay couples to vacation “gay freely”. GAG’s marketing director, Aaron Heier says, “Finally we will have a sanctuary to call our own. A place we will be able to roam freely without the annoyance of heteros. A place where we can openly listen to Cher and prance around in cut off Levis and queerishly snap our fingers in attitude”. Heier says the resort will not allow heterosexual visitors and it will be jam packed with gay themed entertainment and decor. When asked why shape the island like a man’s limp penile organ, Heier said “It is aerial advertisement. We want people in the sky to be able to look down and image themselves on a island where whispers of fantasies and magic come to life. Plus, what better way to piss off right-wing Americans than to draw a big penis on their map”.
A Chicago, IL man has a filed a lawsuit against his parents last week for birthing him as a gay man. The lawsuit claims that the plaintiff, Mason Lawler, is suing his parents for emotional damages for forcing him to live his life as a gay man. “I believe pro-choice should also give the fetus a choice if they want to live a gay lifestyle or not. Why can’t an unborn child be given the right to decide what path he or she will follow before having to be forcefully popped out onto the world?” said Mason when asked what his message was to the world.
Mason’s parents are shocked at this claim due to the fact that Mason has never came out of the closet and to this day has had the same girlfriend since high school. “He has never been into ‘faggy’ things or done anything that might be considered gay” says Mr. Lawler. “I never caught him wearing my underwear and always found his nasty magazines when cleaning his room” added his mother.
Could this just be a cry for help? No matter what the case is a $10 million dollar lawsuit has been filed and in today’s weird moral web who knows what the outcome maybe.
Today New York City mayor, Mike Bloomberg, has announced a proposal to ban smiling in public. This is just the icing on his latest fascist conquest cake that he has been baking since taking office. First it was banning salt, next banning soda, topped off with banning PDA and now the artery clogging sugary frosting is to not allow people to smile in public just because it might offend someone who has had a bad day. After this frowning announcement, New Yorkers have dubbed the anti-American mayor with the name “Mayor Gloomdberg”.
Detroit, MI – A local grocery store has caused quite a stir in the white community today when it was caught adding a racial slur in its ethnic food isle. The new category of “cracker” was added to the store last week to promote “white food” to the store’s customers. Store owner Raytel Martin said he is trying to “expose my peoples to new flavas of foods by promotings some things that white peoples eat”. These foods include wheat bread, bottled water, hash browns, Cheetos, Mountain Dew, turkey and other common white households foods. When Martin was asked why he is using the racial slur for his store, he replied “Because a cracker is a cracker and here is what we call them. No one wants to be in the ‘white people’ section, that will make them feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable brothas and sistas can only lead to one thing……riots”.
A photo of Obama backstage at The Jimmy Fallon Show has surfaced and it shows Obama chuckling at his computer screen in delight. What was so funny you may ask? Sources say Mr. Fallon secretly put the infamous “Two Girls One Cup” video on Obama’s computer and when he opened it, it autoplayed the video. You would expect such a gut busting reaction from a man who personally eats dog while he picks out death sentences via drone strikes. The source also states Obama was able to watch the whole video without blinking and was even heard saying “I’m hungry for some soft serve ice cream”. One now has to think about what other videos Obama watches in his office while he is supposed to be working.
A Southern Carolina couple have made national news by being the first parents to put their child up for adoption due to their sexuality. Usually parents give up their children because they can’t raise them due to finances or because they are young and don’t have the mental ability to bring up a child. Kids are also usually given up for adoption at a young age, but April Chadwell is barely 16 years old and has been listed as legally adoptable by the state of Southern Carolina. Mrs. Chadwell released a statement saying “It was a tough choice to give up our daughter to the state, but we don’t know how to handle someone who decides to live a lifestyle that we do not agree with”. The Chadwells said they had help from their local church, who prayed for weeks seeking guidance for the couple and came to the conclusion that it would be best to let the child go in hopes of being adopted by a gay friendly family.
Scientists at the Fraunhofer Institute for Silicate Research in Germany have invented a new type of window that is conceived to reduce that hatred German’s feel when seeing Jewish people walking by their houses, it also helps regulate sleep, and improves concentration (not the camps). The so-called “Tötet nicht die Juden” glass has a special .1-micrometer-thick inorganic coating that is optimized to transmit wavelengths between 450 and 500 nanometers, where the effects of blue light are most pronounced. Blue light is the part of the spectrum which promotes the balance of biorhythm-moderating hormones. “The coating we’ve developed helps our people to feel they can perform better and makes it less likely they will start a world war again,” Dr. Jörn Probst says.
“It’s called Spanish, not Mexican”, these are the words out of Spain’s Prime Minister’s mouth today when he declared that Mexico needs to stop using their language and make up their own. Spain claims it is tired of Mexico’s citizens given the sacred language a bad name and ruining the gift of “Spanish”, given to their country when Spain conquered it. Spaniards agree that Mexico needs to form their own language immediately and apologize for the bastardizing of Spain’s global dialect. “The make up words and call it Spanish” one protester yelled, another one claims that “They don’t even know how to do it right. They also cook crap and make it sound exotic by putting the word Spanish in front of it” while holding a sign of Mexico being kicked by a soccer shoe. Spain is giving Mexico three months before they need to create their own language or Spain threatens to deny them access to more Latin culture.
A New York City man has filed a lawsuit against the anonymous gay sex hook up giant, Craiglist and one of its posters. Kyle Price claims he responded to a Craigslist ad for “services” that included “versing”, “power bottoming”, “gerbil tickling”, “tug rubs” and “magic pony rides” on June, 26th of this year. Price states he met up with the poster and returned to his apartment in hopes of paying for the man’s posted enticements. Instead, Price was greeted with “uncomfortable domination like entry” and says he was forced to be the bottom during the whole experience. Kyle rushed home and out of embarrassment would not call the cops, but instead tried to contact Craigslist’s customer service, which he found out does not exist. After filing his lawsuit with a lawyer he found on Craigslist, he is now suing for “False advertisement”. Craigslist released a statement saying “It is truly sorry for Mr. Price’s situation, but we do not police and will not police items posted in our naughty sections.”
It is sad knowing that 73% of African American children suffer from malnutrition in America and the common reason for that is that food stamps don’t cover health breakfast options for lower class households. Every morning Tyharmon or little Marisqka have to wake up knowing their bodies will only get 4% of its daily nutrition from the sugary slop invading their cereal bowls. Well that is about to change once LIFE cereal gets the green light from the FDA to offer food stamp friendly boxes of its healthy and hearty breakfast of body boosting nutrition. LIFE cereal even goes a step further and made sure their new welfare affordable product has a packaging that encourages black parents to pick up the box and bring it home to put smiles on their children’s faces.
If you are like me you don’t pay attention to channels like Mtv, TMZ or Nickelodeon, so it would be no surprise not to know what or why the book “50 Shades of Grey” is such a international phenomena. Until last night I didn’t even know what the book was about until I went to my local book store, grabbed a copy and opened it up. I was wondering why the clerk at the store gave me a look like I was some kind of freak, but understood right when I opened up the book and read the first two lines which read “Within no time, I could feel the shitty creamy load seeping from my puckered brown eye and all over my fishy flaps. Leaving my panties sunny side up on the floor was the least of my worries as his slut slayer shoved deeper into my soft tight anus.” After vomiting in my mouth due to the vile content I just read, I reopened the book and decided to share some of the things this book has to offer to our country.
Below is content that is highly explicit.
“With my sugared almond now much like that bathroom door in The Shining, he thought it was time to start sliding my soft tight anus. Is now the time to tell him I really need to launch a stink pickle, I wondered? The feeling of his cock custard flowing down my throat got my shrimp sap flowing quicker than a greased weasel shit. My cake hole was so full of sperminator and cock snot, the baby gravy was draining down my chin and onto my chesticles. The hammering of my shit winker was so vigorous, he soon found his family jewels joining his trouser bowser deep in my turd-herder. I awoke the next morning with my cock holster still leaching. I thought it was over but his slut slayer had other ideas.”
“Now, I’ve seen more helmets than Hitler, but the sight of his thrill drill made my tuna tunnel tears salivate like a broken coffee maker. My gashtray was trembling like Vanessa Feltz’s diesel-powered vibrator. When he removed his one-eyed milkman from my brown mile, he was pleasantly surprised to see a sewer trout staring back as him. He knew I couldn’t wait to chow down on the stink pickle off his long-dong silver. After having my oyster ditch thrusted, he then proceeded to hammer my marmite motorway. The unrelenting orgasms from his cunt plunger hammering my herring hole made me come so hard, I began sweating like a fat slag in a disco.”
“He munched on my furburger, even though I’d been up on bricks for the best part of a week. There was baby gravy salivating from his brie baton and I was wetter than a well diggers arse. We were ready for more. The feeling of his steamin’ semen haemorrhaging down my throat got my tuna tunnel tears flowing quicker than a greased weasel shit. When he removed his eight inches of throbbing pink jesus from my cocoa channel, he was pleasantly surprised to see a Mr. Hanky staring back as him. He knew I couldn’t wait to gobble the stink pickle off his bald-headed yogurt slinger. The hammering makes me spit my minge mucus all over his clunger.”
“Inserting a cucumber into my clearing in the woods got me spraying fallopian fish stock faster than greased shit off a shiny shovel. I awoke the next morning with my hatchet wound still dribbling. I thought it was over but his womb raider had other ideas. The unrelenting orgasms from his cheese-crusted cock pounding my clearing in the woods made me come so hard, I began sweating like a pregnant nun. I can’t wait to gobble the cock snot from his sperminator. The plowing makes me squirt my minge mucus all over his veiny quim prod.”
Minneapolis – Target today has announced their new marketing campaign to “dip into the growing homosexual population in America.” This new campaign includes a complete branding of select Target locations with a abnormally high gay population. One of the rebranding moves is to redesign the logo itself. The famous red target will now have a camel skin brown colored centered dot and the name itself will be the French word, Fağet, which when translated means, various tunnels. Along with the name rebranding, Target’s new Fağet stores will be the host of product lines geared toward the homosexual community. They also plan to change the famous Target dog with a chihuahua. They feel these subtle changes will give homosexuals a open and carefree shopping experience. Fağet’s mother stores will be in San Francisco, Palm Springs, CA, Indianapolis and Lincoln, Nebraska.