Clitoral Play is God’s Modern Forbidden Fruit

For those who thought God’s first and last test to mankind was 6,000 years ago, think again. God has had another test tucked away inside the female fish cave since her creation from Adam’s rib. This flesh hanging “forbidden fruit” is scientifically called a “vaginal wart” or “clitoral muscle”. This muscle was placed on the female’s upper baby hole after Eve tricked Adam into taking a bit out of the first Forbidden Fruit in the Garden of Eden. Since mankind failed that test, God wanted to put in place a new test that would weed out the true sinners among his flock. God is able to find out who is touching this button of sin because once touched it releases a sinful urge of orgasmic feeling throughout the female body and she screams in a demonic pleasure that alerts God of any foul sex play.

The clitoral muscle is just like the forbidden fruit tree in The Old Testament. It was a dangling moist and ripe piece of sweet irresistible pleasure that once picked and played with, would ban Adam and Eve from Eden and bring Original Sin on to mankind. Just like the fruit, the clitoris whispers enticements into a man’s ear, knowing that once touched our picked, it will send his female into a Satanic frenzy of orgasmic pleasure, but at the same time break God’s trust.

When aroused during baby creation, the sin snake tickles the woman’s child tunnel and forces the clitoral muscle to peak out and tempt the man with curiosity, almost like a low hanging fruit tempting its possible pray into coming closer to take a gander at its secreting juices of Satanic sweetness. When touched or pushed, it is like ringing Satan’s doorbell and asking him if you can enter his house of all night S&M, sin orgies. You don’t want to be mingling with those party goers, as God will remove you from his VIP list in Heaven.

Remember women are not meant to feel sexual pleasure, as that was their punishment for tempting man into sin. If your female has been bringing up clitoral play during dinner time, she most likely has been gossiping with liberal female minded housewives during chore hours and they have been filling her mind with delusions of explicit sexual grandeur.

So men, even if you are lollipoping the sin spot with your toungue and shoving a massaging plastic torpedo onto your women’s gush button, you are engaging in a three way with sex master Satan. Also remember, if your woman is asking you to explore her fishing hole or that she is unable to reach “female climax”, gently yell at her and tell her that those are just whispers of Satan coming out of her mouth and they only “climax” she needs to worry about is yours. Also remind her of her female duties and that women gave up their right to climax 6,000 years ago.

Now with that out of the way, let us watch a moral video:

107 thoughts on “Clitoral Play is God’s Modern Forbidden Fruit

  1. Claire

    “This flesh hanging “forbidden fruit” is scientifically called a “vaginal wart””

    Please link to the scientific page that refers to it as a “vaginal wart”.

    “it releases a sinful urge of organism throughout the female body”

    It’s called an orgasm. Try again.

    “Remember women are not meant to feel sexual pleasure”

    Then why are we capable of having orgasms? As a matter of fact, why are women able to achieve MULTIPLE orgasms? My record is five in a row, but to be honest the pleasure diminishes significantly after the fourth one and I literally can’t feel anything by the fifth one.

    Reply
  2. anyone who graduated high school

    The comedic value of your writing is diminished when you can’t form proper sentences.

    Seriously, a dictionary, thesauruses, and high school grammar book would do you wonders.

    Reply
    1. Glaringly Obvious Man

      You’re exaggerating how poor his grammar is. It’s very readable, so get over yourself Mr. Nazipants. Also, grammar doesn’t change after high school, so I can’t imagine why he’d pick up a high school grammar book as opposed to any other.

      Reply
  3. Timmay

    Thanks Tyson! Luckily, from what I have been told, it is very difficult to locate and hidden deep inside a large bush. That helps keep the sin a little more distant.

    Reply
          1. August Weisz

            Please do not post these discusting “science” pictures Claire.

            We all know you were a nurse at 12 and know how to type exceptionally. But your premature spinster knowledge lacks real works experience.

          2. Claire

            It’s troublesome that a university-educated forty-something-year-old American-born man doesn’t know how to spell disgusting correctly.

          3. Timmay

            And I, respectfully, disagree. Proof below, as you frequently request.

            [img]http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1070/536705776_88980e5476.jpg[/img]

          4. Stink182

            This chart is mislabeled. Clitoris should be Satan’s Doorbell, and anus should be The Pudding Cup. Now I must rinse the sin from my eyes with bleach!!!

  4. Mihangel apYrs

    Sir
    you are aware that baby-making is the only justified reason for sinfulness. And anything other than missionary position coupling is wicked, sodomitic and probably leads one straight to hell.

    The Devil has made sex (forgive the indelicacy) pleasurable for a man and a woman doing unbiblical things, as well as men doing things with other men, or the greatest blasphemy, women rejecting their true role as a passive receptacle of the seed, to engage in activities with other women.

    Reply
  5. Blanche Beecham

    Much like a using a mouse cursor on the computer, if one makes circlies on the finger pad when the little hourglass shows up, the processor works faster.

    Reply
  6. August Weisz

    That video is top notch and spot on.
    The female doorbell is only there to tempt women. Ones who can resist its touch are holy and rewarded. Those who give in to their carnal desires will no doubt live a life of loneliness and ugliness.

    Reply
  7. Shannon

    You can tell a man wrote this, wanting to keep all the pleasure to himself. There is nothing wrong with women getting pleasure out of sex, since we are the ones who have to go through all the pain of childbirth anyway.

    Reply
    1. Glaringly Obvious Man

      Poor men, always being expected to provide for the woman. Maybe you can get lucky enough to find a man who can satisfy you sexually through normal intercourse. If not, you can always try the do-it-yourself approach!

      Reply
      1. Shannon

        Haven’t found a man that can do it yet, the ones I have been with were pretty disapointing, one day I will, but your right the do-it-yourself approach works well enough for now.

        Reply
    2. Stink182

      How can women even enjoy sex, when The Bible clearly says in Thesselonians 2:12, “and she hath no feeling,for it be as if heaving a hot-dog down a hallway”.

      Reply
  8. Ezraelite

    Yeah I, a “normal-sex-having-person” am simply terrified that there are gays “lurking in the dark”, and am totally convinced that they are so needlessly horny, that they are going to rape my nephews whenever they have a half-second’s chance.

    Your self-thought statistics are amusing, ESPECIALLY the 5%, 5%, 5%, 5%, 80% one about gays (that is just SO convenient, aye?)

    I can appreciate satire and trolls as much as the next guy, but having a satirical, hating, trolling website, and doing so on a BLASPHEMIC level, THAT is what would be sending one straight to hell. You think the clit is Satan’s doorbell? really? God made a doorbell on the female body for Satan?

    You scream “SATIIIRRRRE!” In every one of your fucking articles.

    Oh, and thank you for bashing google+; just your way of keeping people addicted to the evils of facebook.

    Reply
      1. Ezraelite

        I’m angry about exactly what I posted in my comment. I was born into a Christian family, but am no longer religious. The fact, however, that these people are here to make Christians look like a bunch of self-righteous, retarded dumbasses that think the clitoris is Satan’s doorbell and the number PI does not exist- that, I find to be blasphemous. To downgrade an entire religion/belief for your own bloody amusement? It’s just sick.

        Reply
        1. Glaringly Obvious Man

          It’s a joke about the extreme Christian Right. The implied commentary is in no way anti-Christian, nor is it meant to make the average Christian look bad. It’s satire, buddy! SATIRE! Obvious, screaming satire meant to make you LAUGH, because you have a sense of HUMOR, because you’re HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

          Reply
    1. Claire

      The clitoris rests between the vaginal lips (the labia). In order to find it the labia has to be parted. However, I don’t know what you consider to be “tough”, but the labia is extremely soft, pliable, and delicate. It’s about as difficult to part it as it is to move your earlobe back and forth.

      Reply
      1. Dan

        Hi, Claire. I really wished Deacon Bowers told women to keep off this one as most girls do not know about their own anatomy. It’s shocking but a sad testament to our liberal education system.

        As he stated, the clitoris is a muscle and all muscles are tough and rigid. The clitoris is a little beak like rippling structure that ‘tucks’ away behind the separator flap. Brad Haegelmannn also did some research into this.

        [img]http://tysonbowersiii.com/wp-content/uploads/the-secret-place.jpg[/img]

        This is a close-up diagram of the secret place and you can see the flap is clearly labeled. There is a nasty habit of gays and even some couples to engage in illegal tongue oration down there.

        http://tysonbowersiii.com/2011/05/why-are-husbands-and-wives-engaging-in-oral-intercourse

        More people need to beware the lurking bacteria in the separator flap gootching area. It is made to protect the woman’s fertile area so that the seed and fluids of life is protected during procreation. What would happen if there was a bacterial infection in the placenta or amniotic sac. This does not happen because the separator flap keeps the fecal matter and urine matter from the uterine incubator and the model on this article is very good.

        Reply
        1. Claire

          Dan, you are so fucking stupid. A film student with no formal anatomical education has no place to be teaching women about their anatomy. I am a female. I have looked at my genitalia in a mirror. I’ve explained to you numerous times what the female reproductive anatomy looks like. Have you ever seen a real vagina or even a picture of a vagina?

          P.S. What species of animal were your parents?

          Reply
          1. Glaringly Obvious Man

            Trololololo lololo lololo.[img]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/73/Trollface.png[/img]

    1. Ezraelite

      Amber, please open your eyes. The stats are so shocking because the good people here at christwire invented them. why else would they be so shocking? Have you ever heard of satire? This damn website had me going for a while, myself

      Reply
      1. Claire

        Just FYI, Amber is actually one of the creators of this site. In fact she’s the author of the ever-popular “I’m Extremely Terrified of Chinese People”.

        Reply
        1. Ezraelite

          Thanks Claire; I wasn’t aware of that. I love how they make christians out to be racist, as well.

          Reply
        2. Glaringly Obvious Man

          I’m starting to suspect that Claire is actually in on the whole thing, and she’s a planted counter-troll to make sure things stay controversial around here. I can’t think of any other reason why she would continue to post comments.

          Reply
          1. Claire

            Ah, I see we have Mr. Original here, suggesting something that only 100 other people have suggested in the past.

            But no, I’m not “in on” it.

          2. Glaringly Obvious Man

            Either you’re in on it, which is pretty funny, or you’re arguing with people whose mission is to make you laugh through satire. The latter is stupid. So if you deny the former, I have to assume that you’re doing this out of stupidity.

          3. Claire

            And you come here to…what? Laugh at really bad comedy? Have a nice giggle at article after article of women being called harlots and blacks being called violent savages?

          4. Glaringly Obvious Man

            Yes, I did actually. It’s a lot funnier when you don’t take everything they say at face value. When you realize the underlying statement in every article is “The position I have outlined here is absurd. Nobody should believe this.” That’s why they call it satire, Claire. It wouldn’t be funny if we thought they actually believed it.

          5. Claire

            Then perhaps you should check out the LBC. They’re a satire site as well where you can have lots of chuckles reading about how five year old rape victims are whores.

          6. Glaringly Obvious Man

            I suppose you could argue that we have to draw a line somewhere, though I still think your reaction is a product of misinterpretation rather than actual moral fiber. However, consider that I (and many others) have found great amusement out of this website. Does the fact that you don’t validate a virtual jihad against it?

          7. Claire

            But not long ago you said that censoring satire is infringing on your freedom of speech, and that you can literally joke about anything you want to. So which is it? Can you joke about child rape or does a line have to be drawn? Make up your mind.

          8. Glaringly Obvious Man

            If we’re making a free speech argument, then you can say whatever you want. If we’re making an argument about what’s in good taste, that’s a real discussion. It still kind of bothers me when people try to tell others what is appropriate, or not, to joke about. The reality is everybody has different senses of humor, and if you don’t find something funny, the best thing to do is ignore it.

          9. Claire

            “If we’re making a free speech argument, then you can say whatever you want. If we’re making an argument about what’s in good taste, that’s a real discussion.”

            So first you say that you have the right to say anything you want and us fucking liberals can’t infringe upon that, and then you say that lines should be drawn. You still can’t make up your mind, can you?

          10. Glaringly Obvious Man

            Claire, if you’re not going to read what I wrote, what’s the point? I made a DISTINCTION between free speech and good taste, and further embellished the point by pointing out that what is, and isn’t, in good taste is determined by context and personal opinion.

          11. Glaringly Obvious Man

            Also, I AM “fucking liberal,” Claire. I’m just tolerant of people’s right to express themselves.

  9. Truew follower

    All true godly women and followers must by all means have that satan button cut off by the age of 12 as they do in many countries around the world. This will keep the young women from ever knowing the pleasures of evil and will save the pleasure for her to create for her husband. Pease encourage the godly men amoung us to get knives and get to work doing what god wishes destroy the satan button.

    Reply
  10. Lutheran Fembot

    Is all this ugly commentary directed directly at each other Christ-like? Or is a certain horned gentleman dribbling acid into a few minds here? And why would God design a woman with a clitoris if he didn’t want her and her loving partner to use it? God adores us and wants us to be happy, that would include the girl side of the sex equation. A+B= two happy people. And if a woman is happy sexually, well, that’s just good all the way around, ain’t it? She would be amenable to orders, her place in society, and plain, demure clothing. Or…is this article about making sure women are kept miserable and men never learn what a fabulous, wild, wet, wonderful, savage, tender, rough, gentle bundle of fun a female can be? Why would God want men to be ignorant of that???

    Reply
    1. Lurlene Tyranna Shores

      As per Biblical command, we cut the sinflaps off little baby boys too, it’s not fair that girls get to keep theirs and come into this world without getting a lesson in what suffering original sin brought into this world. That is why they grow into Toddlers & Tiaras. We should get rid of the separator flaps too, they look obscene and may obstruct incoming and outgoing traffic.

      Reply
      1. Claire

        Female genital mutilation is performed in unsanitary and dirty conditions and its only purpose is to diminish their pleasure during intercourse to keep them subservient to their future husbands. It’s performed on young and adolescent girls, not babies who won’t remember anything. Many girls bleed to death.

        Reply
        1. SiliconNooB

          It’s about time to bring female circumcision into public hospitals where they know what they are doing.

          Reply
          1. Claire

            Are you seriously joking about female circumcision? That’s pretty low. Female circumcision needs to be BANNED worldwide.

          2. Claire

            Saying that female circumcision is important is joking about it.

            Is this amusing to you:

            [img]http://www.ieet.org/images/uploads/225hp2.png[/img]

          3. SiliconNooB

            All the more reason to bring female circumcision in from the cold, into public hospitals where they can perform the operation with best practice methods, with anesthetic and such. Are you such a barbarian that you would not wish that poor girl some anesthetic, Claire?

          1. Lurlene Tyranna Shores

            We are all born with original sin, Shannon. Some more than others. I hear there are heathens who don’t cut the sinflaps of boys, no wonder they have the trouble with atheists and communists there.

          2. Shannon

            Have you every honestly asked someone who is gay/lesbian? I have, they will all tell you, they have been that way their whole life. Once and a while you get people who had a very bad run in with the opposite sex, but that’s a small margin of the homosexual population.

    1. Claire

      So trade one female right for another female right? Sorry, but abortion needs to stay. Besides, why would I want the help of a man who views females as inferior to men?

      Reply
          1. Claire

            Oh yeah? Then how do you explain these quotes of yours?

            “Women’s suffrage must end.”

            From “There Is No Male-Female Wage Gap. New Study Reveals Women Somehow Making More Than Men”

            “I am shocked to see that normal church-going women are falling prey to these feather extensions that lead them to the path of sin. I expect this kind of perversion from the young nubile mixed race women in the video, but not from our wives and daughters.

            This is what happens when we let women vote.”

            From “Hair Feather Trend: It Will Turn Your Wife and Daughter into Pot Smoking, Hippie Herd-Mothers”

            And from the article THAT YOU WROTE entitled “Is Feminist Angst Rooted in the Fact That Women Were Created for Man’s Pleasure?”

            “1) Working. By leaving the house for employment women are rebelling against traditional conservative roles. Abandoning the castle, they are no longer around to meet the motherly needs of their families. Not to mention their labor is often wasted as their productivity and pay are often far below the curve.”

            “2) Not having kids. This is the woman’s last resort and possible most extreme example. Denying the eggs inside her the opportunity to become healthy fantastic beings is a rebellious act.”

            “3) Tattoos. By tattooing themselves a female is saying, I am applying my own branding to my body. I disavow my father and my husband. As if that weren’t bad enough tattoos lead females to make themselves grow disgusting bodily hair”

            “4 ) Voting. After winning the right for men suffer in 1920. Women have made a mess of this country. The war to end all wars gave way to the much bigger war. Had women not voted, WW2 would have been prevented.”

            “Women have no place on the internets. A woman using a computer is only trying to defraud your earning potential. Her time would be better spent clipping coupons from the Sunday circular.”

            Shall I continue?

          2. SiliconNooB

            People tend to receive the respect they are due. Not everyone is deserving of respect – but that is not a gender issue.

          3. Claire

            Yet you just said that you stand by the things you said in that post 100%. In other words, you don’t support a woman’s right to vote, you don’t think that women should work, you don’t think women should use the internet, and you think that women are owned by first their fathers and then their husbands.

          4. SiliconNooB

            I support some women’s right to vote.

            I support some women’s right to work.

            I support some women’s access to the Internet.

          5. Claire

            That means you have no respect for women. I wonder what your orthopedic surgeon wife thinks about your sexist views.

          6. August Weisz

            April reads my work here, while we don’t agree on everything, we agree on most things. She is a tall, beautiful, intelligent woman. Would you like to talk to her sometime? Maybe she could share with you her beliefs.

          7. Claire

            “She is a tall, beautiful, intelligent woman.”

            Who, according to you, shouldn’t have the right to vote, work, or use the internet.

          8. Claire

            With some exceptions? Well you clearly don’t abide by your beliefs at all when it comes to your wife, as she works, uses the internet, and probably votes.

            You’re a sick man, did you know that?

          9. August Weisz

            No, I abide by them 100%. For example my wife did not work until the kids were of a certain age. Then we opened her own practice and ward, on our ranch.

          10. Claire

            You respect women more than I do? How can you justify saying that after saying that you don’t think women should have the right to vote, the right to a career, and the right to reproductive freedom?

          11. Militant Negro

            Claire do you sit at home and copy and paste the shit these fuckers say into little Word folders so that you can use it against them again at a later date? That is fucking sad. You need a man. You need some dick.

            I mean look at you. You have a picture of a damned cat. Your spaming them with youtube cat videos. You have a problem and you need some help.

            Let my black dick be that help. Think of it as a chocolate prozac that can be taken orally, vaginally or as a supository.

    2. Etrius

      if not for abortion one of my friends would have died worst part about it for her is that she’s against it herself

      Reply
  11. Gary Gilmour

    I struggle with this from my home farm in Iowa. I class myself as a Christian and young folks need to be educated about sex, eg missionary, masturbation (=very sinful), waterspouts and specialist German sites.

    Can we tone down the detail and use code names for stuff: I don’t want my 11 year old looking over my shoulder asking daddy what is a cunt/fisting/rimming.

    Christwire subscribers, please bear this in mind. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Lurlene Tyranna Shores

      Christwire brings the hard, dirty truth about Liberals, Gary, people must know just how lecherous they are. You have your parental controls, they’re in the Bible and the 2nd amendment.

      Are you a liberal? You sound like a liberal.

      Reply
  12. Lutheran Fembot

    Claire, honey, you need to calm down. Or get laid. Or smoke a joint. Or do a shot. or read a book or take a hot bath or a cold shower. Even me, a raging feminazi with a snarkalicious filthy sense of humor, is going, wow, go bake a pie or something. Mostly because it makes me laugh.

    Of course female circumcision is an atrocious callous act, resulting often in the death of the little girl if not her lifelong mutilation, chronic pain and misery. Abortions should be between a woman, her doctor and whatever version of God she believes in or does not believe in. Women should have rights. Hell, people should have rights. Not all Christians are this ridiculous, ignorant and outright scary. Do you get the feeling someone’s messing with your head?

    Reply
  13. Ren Fenwitz

    Good morning, ChristWire friends! (Especially Claire and Shannon :) ) Looks like the trolls are pretty rampant, eh?

    First of all ChristWire, your grammar and spelling are as horrendous as usual, but let’s not beat a dead horse.

    Second of all, how on earth do you get these silly images of Satan? He looks nothing like what uou say. I don’t say this out of worship to him, because he is a fallen angel and not a god. But the god I *do* worship has been laughing very hard at this whole shebang.

    As far as the topic goes, a vaginal wart is a sexually transmitted disease, not something almost every woman is born with. I say almost because I’ve heard of genetic mutations where a woman can be born without a clitoris. It’s very rare, but happens. And a woman doesn’t have to be a sinner or a lesbian to enjoy an orgasm.

    On that note, everyone is technically a sinner. Born in sin, only God’s grace (which He gives out at His discretion alone) can save us and allow us in to heaven.

    Reply

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