Things You Didn’t Know

Organisming Women Are Sinners
Women who climax are followers of Satan and other forms of dark magic. Women do not naturally reach the point of sexual climatic overload. Their fetus slides are meant to be a slippery baby highway. If you know a woman or in a married relationship with a women who “Satan Cringes”, she most likely has a deep and dark past of lesbian activities or has been unnaturally trolling his fish cave with he left index finger.

Anal Sex is the Gateway Drug to Hell
Satan loves a cheerful anal invader and just like hell, the anus is dark, lukewarm and smear with the fowl foul stench for fecal caked walls. Performing a anal sin docking act on someone, or having someone dock a finger or flesh rod into your sewer hole goes directly against God. God made one hole that only accepts penile transactions and that is the female baby door. Any form of tickle anus game play will for sure get your heaven passport revoked.

Black People Are Not Black
Even though the liberal science community would like you to think that a Afro-Saxon’s skin tone is that of absent light, “black” people are actually just a darker tone of Mexican brown or Indian coco. Also, unlike popular belief, skin tone doesn’t depend on what climate your ancestors came from, but due to the amount of sin that is still in your families blood line. This is why when you mix a white with a black, you get a lighter black. Also, if you mix a black with a yellow, you hardly see any difference.

Mexicans Forget They Didn’t Come From Mexico
I know the tortilla tossers love to think that the toilet of North America has been their’s since the beginning of time 6,000 years ago, but what our two legged pinto beans don’t release is, they all came on boats from Spain. Just like modern day Mexicans, they follow the footsteps over the ancestors by crossing boarders by water, giving the natives diseases, ruining a economic growth and once a great civilization has fallen, they claim the land has been their’s forever and turn it into another cesspool of taco sauce and bean dip. So next time Juan or Jose yells at you about taking their land, way a Spanish flag in their face and ask them if they “Remember the Aztecs?”

The Nobel Peace Prize Medal is Gay Porn
Did you know on the Nobel Peace Prize, there is an image of three fully erect, naked males grabbing each other in a none Christian side hug friendly embrace? This medal is proof that in internationally world is nothing but a bunch of rainbow party having, Satan scepter tuggers and that they are trying to subliminally make images of gay men a part of the world’s culture. Is this why they gave it to Obama so fast? Is there something you need to tell us Mr. President? Is Biden marinating your “oval office” with sinful pleasures?

Video Gamers Are At a Higher Chance of Masturbation
If you like to slay dragons with your lightsaber or fight gnomes for level 13 epic gear, the chances of you self demon whacking your sexual equipment increase by 89.45%, this is due to the lack of real human interaction. If your only contact is via dungeon chatrooms on Skype of Velintro, you lack the ability to control sexual urges when you see real people in your mind or on TV. The lack of interaction makes your brain weak to Satanic sexual urges and since you have no real girlfriend or wife, the only way to remove them is by locking yourself in a bathroom and slapping you flesh tail to a pair of underwear you stole from your mother, or a Tiger Beat magazine that has Selena Gomez on the cover

111 thoughts on “Things You Didn’t Know

  1. Claire

    If women who orgasm are followers of Satan, then I must be Satan himself, because I have A LOT of orgasms!

    As for Mexicans, the people who inhabit Mexico today are a mix of the natives and the Spanish invaders. Spanish people (people from the country of Spain) don’t eat “taco sauce and bean dip”. That should tell you something.

    Your university education sure shines through in this article, Tyson:

    “Women do not natural reach”

    “If you know a woman or in married relationship with a women who “Satan Cringes”, she most likely has a deep and dark past of lesbian activities or has been unnaturally trolling his fish cave, with he left index finger.”

    “the anus is dark, lukewarm and smear with the fowl foul stench”

    “Performing a anal sin docking act or someone”

    “a Afro-Saxon’s”

    “abscent light”

    “they all come on boats”

    “Just like modern day Mexican’s”

    “crossing boards by water”

    “ruining a economic”

    “turn it in to”

    “yells at your about taking their land, way a Spanish flag”

    “none Christian side hug friendly embrace?”

    “in international world is nothing but a bunch of rainbow party having, Satan scepter tuggers and that they are trying to subliminally make images of gay men a part of the world’s culture.”

    “Is this why they gave it to Obama so fast?”

    Yeah, I can see that those university degrees did wonders for you…

          1. Tyson Bowers III

            Why is it when YOU avoid something, you try to turn it around. Claire, you are boring, anger, lazy and annoying.

          2. Claire

            “Why is it when YOU avoid something, you try to turn it around. Claire, you are boring, anger, lazy and annoying.”

            Oh, so now I’m the one avoiding something? Here’s a little recap of our conversation:

            1. I called you out on your multitude of grammatical mistakes

            2. You brushed your mistakes off, despite the fact that everything I said was true

            3. I asked you if you were implying that your grammar was fine

            4. You dodged the issue, swerving in a completely different direction by saying that I bore you

            5. I told you that you were avoiding the issue and asked you what a “fowl foul stench” is

            6. You accuse ME of avoiding something, then follow it up with a classic Tyson statement “Claire, you are boring, anger, lazy and annoying”

            Care to explain to me how I’m lazy?

          3. Tyson Bowers III

            Claire, I know you need attention, but these threads are for people seeking Godly nutrition. They aren’t looking for hateful posts from a “couldn’t get into a real school” hermaphroditus.

          4. August Weisz

            Didn’t some visitor point out like 5 mistakes of Claire’s in one paragraph this week here? Her only retort was but..but… August is worse…

          5. Claire

            I’m not denying that I make mistakes. That being said, the mistakes I make aren’t as overt and certainly aren’t as appalling as the ones you make. After all, someone who goes to a lousy little unaccredited “trade school” should be permitted a few minor mistakes, right? Someone who went to a big university and has seven degrees, on the other hand, has no excuse for mistakes of the magnitude of yours, and most certainly has no excuse for making them consistently.

          6. L.N

            Considering how I’ve seen several of your people completely throw away arguments based on a simple grammar mistake, Claire is hardly the only one who cares. Adam believes he’s perfect, a being without fault, yet denies whenever he has a fault.

          7. etrius

            okay so your basicly saying all woman are devil worshipers with this article then instead of pointing this out and trolling you claire just points out grammatical errors overall i think claire is actually the most sensible one in this situation

      1. L.N

        You can talk to human beings when you’ve gotten some intelligence Tyson, you flat-out admitted that you’re a sexist, racist asshole.

        1. Tyson Bowers III

          Claire, stop using your L.N. account to make it look like someone actually cares to defend you.

          1. Claire

            That’s a flat out lie. Please take a screenshot of my IP address and L.N’s IP address and upload them to imgur as proof. If you fail to do so you’ll only look like a fool.

          2. Tyson Bowers III

            I’m sorry Claire….are you my boss? Do I report to you? Will I get fired if I don’t put this on your desk in the morning?

          3. Claire

            So once again you admit defeat, Tyson? Because I don’t know what else to call your failure to provide proof of your claims.

            I’ll ask you again. Please take screenshots of our IP addresses with our names attached and post them to imgur so we can see proof that me and L.N are the same person. If you can’t do this simple task then please stop making up shit about us. Thanks.

          4. Tyson Bowers III

            Claire, I could post a image and you will post a fake image showing something different. There is no point in showing you proof, as you will just deny it.

          5. Glaringly Obvious Man

            This is what I’m talking about Claire. You even debate issues like whether or not you and L.N are the same person, something obviously unimportant and irrelevant. You’re just here to preserve your pride, which apparently hinges on whether or not you can win an argument with a fake personality. What’s the point? Are you that insecure?

          6. L.N

            I think Tyson’s jealous that other people agree with Claire while he has to resort to making multiple accounts based on his imaginary friends.

            “This is what I’m talking about Claire. You even debate issues like whether or not you and L.N are the same person, something obviously unimportant and irrelevant.”

            That’s all he EVER does, that’s all what these writers ever do. They pick something they don’t like and then bitch about it. Doesn’t even matter that they’re completely going against the bible, lying is a sin and Tyson’s going to Hell. Kind of sad really, he has all this pride and yet refuses to have any way of backing it up.

            “The IP addresses match.”

            Oh really Tyson? Care to deliver us the addresses to prove it? Of course not, you’re just grasping for straws, like you do all the time.

          7. Bruce Danus

            Claire and/or L.N, please stop using our house coputer for hatemail Claire. I have given you some leeway, but I am getting tired of not being allowed to post on myfacespace and twitbooks due to you using too much of our bandwiths. I still love you though, just stop trying to seem cooler than you actually are. Thanks Wifey!!! Love You!!!

          8. Bruce Danus

            *computer, not coputer before grammar/spelling nazi Claire/L.N, aka my wife jumps in with the jokes. Grow up, Claire/L.N

          9. Claire

            Bruce, get that hair out of your ass. Are you still pissed that I had eight of my black male friends come over and gang fuck you?

          10. Glaringly Obvious Man

            *Sigh* … it’s like watching 7th grade nerds argue over whether Batman would beat Spiderman.

  2. Blanche Beecham

    Great article, Tyson. I think you’ve nailed down the important points and issues for everyone’s clarification.

    What would we do with out your advice?

    Praise be,

    1. Alison Manson

      So bitchman u’ve never cum! That would explain why u a total bitch and why u are a disgusting scene for people with appetites and eye balls, I’m back bitch and my doctor told me it’s unhealthy to be around idiots and to be so damn goregous but hey i’m not so deep into vanity like u are and well if I were u bitchman I’d buy some sunglasses because the future I’m making for u morons is bright pink bitch! To my friends who know what I’ve gone through then thank u for being at my side, to u I only promise the best and a world rid of hate and lies where beauty lives and evil dies, what u people say is a bunch of lies I have even asked his holiness the pope to take a look at u and he assured me that he would look u up and he promised to give me only the truth and this is from his holiness! Tyson I know ur lying becuase I made ur wife cum one thing u could never do! Say goodbye to ur god because I am the reason why the electoin of 2012 will be the most gruling and most contraversal and why ur friend will not win I am the reason so if I were u people I would be nice to us or u will face a very un pleasant war with us! Good luck u Jesus freaks! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha !

      1. Bruce Danus

        Oh Great, Mr. Manson has returned to spout incoherent ramblings and talk about how he has all the wealth and power in the World. Which amazing new “musician” did you discover this week, Al? Is it Bon Jovi, Menudo, or Little Jizzy?

    2. Punnchy

      Don’t feed the troll, because your a dumb and blind as they are (try proving me wrong, you won’t and can’t)

  3. Rev. Bob Jenkins III

    Tyson, thank you for reconfirming that my suspicions are not out of line, regarding my love. and I repent of loving the oral penetrations that I have allowed. my god wants me to love humans, and decide that they are worthy of being away from my sexual fantasies. god, thank you for allowing me to appreciate women without needing a male organ to enter my mouth.

  4. Rev. Bob Jenkins III

    I love all women, under 250 lbs. Then, I just hate people with a potential eating disorder. I’m sorry, peace be with you, love Jebus first and foremost. Hollaylooyuhhh!!!

    1. Shannon

      Well then you gotta wonder why the call white people white, because when I think of white, my socks are white, there’s a crayon that’s white, paper that’s white, I know I’m pale but I’m not even close to being that white!

        1. Shannon

          So you can see “color” in any race is inaccurate, that’s where the politically correct terms come in, so people are less likely to be offended.

          1. Shannon

            But yet there is so much hate for women, liberals, homosexuals, bisexuals, african Americans, anyone of oriental decent, anyone of another religion. Dont you think every one of these groups you could learn from?

          2. Susan B. Xenu

            Here is a good one. I promised to write an article about a good christian band. Since that promise I have a lot of other things going on, I also have about 5 partially written articles I need to finish up. Being atleast 50 years younger than me and more in touch with todays popular music you could do one on some positive music.

          3. Bruce Danus

            Or you could write on why you believe that Twilight is not a piece of Satanic, homogay, beastiality porn. I would love to hear your version of that movie/book.

  5. Miesha Severinov

    I really must congratulate you on your anti-christian agenda. I have never see one that is so put together. All of you must have no life. But I am an atheist and thank you for helping the brainwashed christians see the light of reason and how idiotic and closed minded their beliefs are. Continue your good work fellow atheists and liberals :).

    1. Punnchy

      They’re doing a horrible job of it. Most people realize by now how pathetic and lifeless these, and i can’t even classify them as human, actually are.

  6. Neoconstipated

    My wife has become entrenched in liberal thought from her exposure to television, music, friends, and college “freethoguht.” Her mind has become a satan sponge as she has certainly pursued what she calls the “Big O” in both politics and the marital bed. She has introduced me to new styles of romp including the bouncing cowgirl, dog-style, and scissors. My marriage has suffered because of the shame I feel in front of my Lord when I participate in such acts. The shuddering orgasms and heavy gasping breathing afterward are clear sign the satan is robbing me of my life force after participating in such evil toil.
    In lieu of therapy I have given my soul to the Chris†Wire and my mind to its’ brilliant advice columnists because I believe it has cum into my life as sent from God above me.

    1. Punnchy

      Yeah…you’ve shown yourself to be a mindless person who blindly chooses not to understand fact or logic…Please, cease breathing :3.

  7. Christ4Life

    I have been married for forty-five years and have never reached orgasm. Whenever my husband and I needed to engage in the shameful act, I started to think about Jesus. It’s then as if the Spirit of Christ Himself possessed my soul, making my body shake, twitch and jerk with the vile motions of our copulation. I felt no pleasure, instead I was forced to experience the plight of Jesus on the cross. Intense pains in my wrists, feet and head I had to endure. This did not stop until my husband withdrew.

        1. John Bloke

          Of course. Plus, Jesus brought Lazarus back after 4 days.
          So, when Jesus came back only after 3 days, Lazarus was all like “In your face Jeezus. I was, like, 4 days rotting. You are only a 3 day rotnoob.”
          And Jesus said unto Laza, “Meh, like whatever dude. You just smell more.”
          And God did chuckle. And went back to watching Scooby Doo.

        2. John Bloke

          Of course. Plus, Jesus brought Lazarus back after 4 days.
          So, when Jesus came back only after 3 days, Lazarus was all like “In your face Jeezus. I was, like, 4 days rotting. You are only a 3 day rotnoob.”
          And Jesus said unto Laza, “Meh, like whatever dude. You just smell more.”
          And God did chuckle and was all “tsk, noob zombehz”. And went back to watching Scooby Doo.

  8. John Bloke

    Tyson, if that is your real name, you sir are a cunt.
    You are a lair and a coward.
    These gay people you hate some much would not do you, even if you spread cheek and offered hole.
    You are offensive. A disgrace to mankind.
    Look at the top of this page people… beautiful babe or Tyson’s ugly fucking face. Really? God thinks you should punish her? You’re having a right fucking laugh. God loves her because she is a ‘nice’ person. God hates ‘you’ and your fucking vile guts because you, quite frankly, are an evil, disgusting wanker who wouldn’t be allowed near Heaven even if you promised to polish Jesus’ sandals for the rest of eternity. You’re simply too horrible a person to be considered.
    She, however, would stroll right into Paradise. No doubt flicking you the bird on the way by.

  9. Gary Gilmour

    Hey folks, tone it down!

    I don’t recall this kind of language being used by my fellow churchgoers in Blameless Creek. I must be really naive: I believed this was a Christian forum for Christians to spread the Word and discuss the Good Book and healthy American pursuits such as hunting with rifles, gun-carrying and generally informing the world that the American Christian way is the only proper way approved by the Lord.

    I gotta go as I have to meet our pastor off-duty: he has bought a really cool Russian sniper rifle that he wants me to try out on some of my more sickly cattle.

  10. the almighty god

    I am displeased with your hate and anger towards my children of different decent of you. I am so sorry satan gave you that book so long ago, he said it was a joke and we had a good laugh about it at the time and didnt think anyone was stupid enough to really believe it, to bad i underestimated your level of retardation.

    1. Businessman Hank

      God is perfect, and while I generally bristle at the grammar nazis around here, I simply cannot accept a God who doesn’t capitalize his own name and commits multiple spelling errors.

    1. PelicanEatsCat

      News for you, God made sex, it made it pleasurable. Easiest way to get a woman to be pleased by sex is through clitoral play. If you don’t play with your wife’s clitoris, then I feel sorry for her.

      Sex is about procreation, yes, but it is also about giving pleasure to your partner. And clitoral play gives pleasure to women. (ok, so if you’re referring to a woman playing with her own clitoris, then ok, then we’re talking masturbation, and I see where you could say that is not natural. Though I do feel that as long as lusting after another person is not involved in masturbation, it should be ok. And yes, it is possible to masturbate without lusting after another person, or thing for the real wackos, even for guys.)

    2. Claire

      Oh yes it is! In fact, I think I’m going to play with mine tonight. I’ll bring myself to orgasm four times and I’ll think about you during each one!

  11. Ren Fenwitz

    Tyson, really. I strongly advise you to take an English class so you can learn proper grammar. Or at least buy a dictionary and/or thesaurus so you can learn proper spelling and which word to use. “Fowl” refers to a bird, mostly chickens and turkeys. “Foul” means nasty and disgusting, like the poo you were talking about.

    1. Tyson Bowers III

      Yes, when you can produce something you have published or any national media coverage about yourself, you can speak. You vampire dykes get so jealous.

      1. Ren Fenwitz

        Have YOU had any national media coverage? I highly doubt it. Unless you’re the evil, godless, immoral, cruel tyrant who founded Tyson’s Chicken.

          1. August Weisz

            Damien, so why was this site given a book deal? Why was it given an award this year by the LaWeekly? Why do radio shows constantly beg chrisTwire members to come on their program?

          2. Ren Fenwitz

            Only one I’ve ever heard of on that list is Huffington Post, and that’s because it’s under the “axis of evil” blurb on your own “sacred” website. And as for that article, that is indeed informative. Many reputable news sources have ousted this website as a fake. We all know it is, and August, I believe you are one of the bigwigs.

            My favorite line from that article you cite as a victory is this, “We’d hold off ourselves, but Christwire co-founder Bryan Butvidas, a resident of Palm Springs, tells us it’s no use:
            ​The more he and associate Kirwin Watson are “outed,” the more traffic they get, and the more hordes they fool.” Game, set, match for my point.

            Also: “Nevermind that the fourth entry down in a Google search for the site is a Wikipedia entry identifying it, crystal clear, as “a satirical website.” Every day, hundreds of outraged “liberal homogays,” as Christwire would call them, continue to buy into hysterical posts such as, most popularly, April 15’s “Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Most Likely Will Die.””

            Ahaha, thank you for showing me that article. Nice knowing I was, indeed, right.

          3. Claire

            “You obviously did not read the story I linked too.”

            You realize that what you wrote is “You obviously did not read the story I linked also”, right?

          4. Tyson Bowers III

            Auggie, no matter what you say, they will only reply with jealousy. They hate the fake that The Word of God is being spread and that their poor attempts at bullying fall on deft ears.

          5. Damien Blade Spring, Jew

            Actually we embrace the fact that you are fake. It gives us more freedom to troll you.

            Also, you are spreading the word of a man. Not G-d. If you were spreading the word of G-d, then you would be called Rabbi, and you’d be Jewish. Suck it, bitch.

          6. Ren Fenwitz

            I, sir, was born a Christian. I was raised a Christian. I read of other religions, and remained a Christian. While I may no longer be a “textbook” Christian, I still maintain a strong love for and belief in God. I harbor no jealousy for you, nor hatred. I am nothing but amused and, truthfully, a little grateful. Thanks to this website, I have an active place to practice my rhetoric.

        1. Tyson Bowers III

          Actually we have been on many national TV and radio networks. I figured someone with your “knowledge” knew how to do research. Also, let us not forget the dozens of national newspaper articles, along with even international coverage. Again Ren, your feeble mind puts you in the corner of being wrong.

          I will let Ellen know that her clan of clam huffers are making it hard for people to accept gay people into the world.

          1. Tyson Bowers III

            Again Damien, your claim is that we don’t get coverage. Now you change it to something else. Admit you are wrong and be on your way. No one will ever know who Damien Homo Jew is and no one will ever care.

          2. Damien Blade Spring, Jew

            Ah, but you see, I never said you don’t get coverage. I have found articles talking about you. But they are all talking about you the way I pointed out in that comment. And, please Gayson, get my name right. Its Damien Blade Spring. The “Jew” is just there so that you know I am a Jew. Ok. And also, you know I have a girlfriend that is ten times hotter than anyone you could ever imagine getting with. So, please, do us all a favor and stop talking.

  12. John Doe

    Fucking idiots, This whole website is full of idiotic articles, and just because you have a “Degree” doesn’t make you a better person than everyone else you self righteous arrogant cock sucking faggot, you have single handily created more gay term than any gay person i know. An your site is more racist than the KKK’s. You backwards ignorant fool. Also I would like to know how many box tops you collected from cereal boxes to get your seven “Degrees”.


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