Christwire Handbook Has Been Released

Our handbook will be released.
You can find our handbook in any Barnes and Nobles and 350 other book stores across the world. You can also download it to your Nook or Kindle instantly.


A national media sensation, takes righteousness beyond the bounds of reason. You can’t argue the truth. If God didn’t send tornadoes to warn blacks about rap music, who did? If your husband isn’t a closet gay, he must secretly be Chinese. Don’t send your son to college unless you want to expose him to the dangers of vajazzling. This is no joke, folks. ChristWire is here to save the world from falling into the hands of sanity.

“I’m the anti-ChristWire.” –Howard Stern

“It’s so good–and people on the Internet are so insane that no one gets it.” —Village Voice

“In the world of ChristWire. . .the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage.” —New York Magazine

“The leading Internet site for ultraconservative Christian news, commentary, and weather reportage.” —The New York Times

“ChristWire’s genius (or evil) lies in its hypberbolic, worst-case scenario, Christian coverage of everything.” –








46 thoughts on “Christwire Handbook Has Been Released

    1. Albert Toppers

      A holy line is already forming outside the local Family Christian Book Store! And I can hear the gospel hymns from outside my house. This is truly a joyful day. Blessings on you all! I can not wait to jump into this book! I better hop in my Ford E-250 (Christmas Present!) and drive over to secure my place in line! Goodbye for now, friends! Honk, honk!

      1. Cassidy Pen

        My dear friend Albert, I am so happy for you. Now you can drive 43 of your friends to church. I hope your generous friend had the forethought to mount your horn outside the window.

  1. Blanche Beecham

    A stylish book on a coffee table or tucked into a kitchen nook is an oftentimes overlooked focal point for today’s decorator.

    This book is a perfect ambient piece that effortlessly combines a sense of literary scholarship and color harmony with an array of decor themes. In the boudoir, it melds with crisp cotton sheets. In the kitchen, the novel multi-colored fonts highlight fresh fruits and vegetables. A welcome hospitality for any guest room would be a library bound copy. The possibilities are endless!

      1. LinuxGamerTheist

        I will have you know, I have done some disgusting things to bibles, burning is only the beginning…

        forget this book: go to the source of this idiocy, burn a bible, today!

        btw, Hi guys! I’m new to this community of religious extremists, idiots and pathetic children who believe in fairy-tales. I hope you will all make me feel welcome and make me lose faith in humanity. I am an atheist, a gamer and a linux user (but not necessarily at the same time). That is all.

  2. Christopher Christenson

    I will buy several copies for my home and to give to both my friends and my foes. All hail Christwire, and long live this, the Greatest Site on the Interweb!

    1. LinuxGamerTheist

      1) interweb?

      2) isn’t “all hail christwire” a little extreme and just proves the point that you religious types will worship anything?

      1. MishieruChan

        Doesn’t seem that Chapters or Indigo is selling those. Guess the next time I go to America with my parents for grocery shopping, I will be checking Target and Wal-Mart. Can’t wait to read the book.

          1. Claire

            Oh and what the fuck do you mean by “yokel”? I’m from Boston, you fucking moron. You know Boston, one of the oldest cities in the fucking country?

    1. KBLME

      Why would he buy one? Isn’t it just stuff he already said so your selling his own word back to him for profit? if thats not a sin idk what is then again that might have been removed from the new 2012 bible.

  3. Timmay

    This is excellent news! It will make for great gifts to my family and friends (a number of whom have birthdays coming soon).

    I too hope to be able to make it to the nearest book signing!

    Thank you for all your hard work!

  4. Cassidy Pen

    Someone moved all the copies away from the Religion and Spirituality Section to the humor section at my local Barnes and Nobells. Don’t stores have security cameras that can keep these liberal heathen punks from perpetrating unchecked mayhem?

    1. Pebrocks The Atheist

      You know, maybe the store owners did it because after they read it they realized that it belonged in the humor section?

    1. LinuxGamerTheist

      Has it occured to anyone that this pic was obviously staged? You put that there to anger a homosexual. You are a thuroughly horrible person, did you know that?

        1. LinuxGamerTheist

          Atheism is a small price to stave off eternal stupidity. I refuse to continue this conversation until you get a linux and stop being an extremist. nd if you want me to read the thesis, send me a link or something. I will print it out and burn every page after it is read.

    1. Cassidy Pen

      My copy is currently within the socialist postal system in route to my dwelling. I can’t wait to have in my hands ammunition in the crusade against sin.

      1. Millenium

        so the Postal system is socialist now police too your armya s well firefighter ??

        everything in your country ?

        you are simply stupid


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