I can remember the days of when this young man was attending Catholic school in Scottsdale, AZ and was learning about all the great things in life. One thing I never had to deal with was rowdy kids and that was because heterosexual children are 96% more likely to behave in class then a homosexual child. Back in my day there was maybe a 1% population of homosexual students. Now they is rising number and it is currently at 35.9%.
I put together a how to guide on what to do if you are cursed with the task of raising an infected child.
When your wife becomes pregnant, make sure to have the fetus tested for any gay genes. If your child is tested positive, then you need to talk to your wife and ask her why she engaged in female to female fish cave worshiping in college or if she had any late night orgies with bi sexual men while skipping her home ec classes. Ask her if she has ever had her sewer hole tainted by a man’s twiddle rompus or if she has shoved a plastic man torpedo up there. Sin hole play and any other of the activities listed above can infect your baby with the iGay gene.
Actions and Punishment
Since burning at the stake and beating children have been banned, I compiled a list of causes and actions on how to deal with your homo walking fetus without having the police called on you.
Tries to talk back with words that sound smart and with a lisp
Reason: Uses MAC products or is using MAC products at his friend’s house. People who use MACs think they have a higher intelligence, but that is far from true. Their pseudo intellectual attitude comes from all the blogs that MAC users write, the fake smart podcasts from their iToons, watching MAC commercials make fun of Christian business men and show that a homo hipster is way cooler, making emo music and 8-bit music playlists on their iPods and reading gay porn on their iPods. The lisp comes from mimicking the way satan hump slave christ angel speaks (avid MAC user and homosexual).
Action: Destroy all MAC products. Make your child collect any stickers, man purses and electronic devices that display the rainbow flagged apple logo on it and make them dump them into a trash can and set it on fire. This will show the child that you will not put up with his sassy talk and if they want to speak like that, they can move to San Fagisco and live on the streets like all the other poisonous rats.
Dances like a sugar plum fairy
Reason: Watches homo erotic shows like Yo! Gabba Gabba and Ellen. These shows teach children how to dance at gay disco bars and how to attract other satan scepter worshipers.
Action: Cancel any cable that you have in your house. Replace their TV with a tape player and purchase Bible stories on tape. Your child will soon learn that stories about love and heterosexuality are more entertaining then some homo hobbit looking dike dancing around to 8-bit black music.
Wears their sister’s pants or dresses
Reason: Reads GAP ads in fashion magazines. Gay men like to have their tadpole torpedo mashed into their pants as much as possible. They like to have it displayed so other rump harpooners can see what kind of meat they can shove down their throats during mouth sex acts.
Action: Remove all womens pants and dresses in the house. Replace with sweat pants. If the boy is still wearing dresses or berry smuggler pants, then prance them around a prison with men who haven’t had a lover in 10 years. This will surely scare the child out of their confused fashion sense.
Reason: Gays like to stay health from their AIDS, so they only eat vegetables. They also know many vegetables are shaped like flesh crayons. Gays also like to use vegetables are sexual toys and then eat them later.
Action: Let your child know they do not have AIDS until they engage in man to man sin docking or female to female wound riding and that being a vegan is unhealthy. Let them know not eating meat with get them made fun of and beat up at school and in public by the more manly and untainted children.
Boy wears a man purse
Reason: They are watching the Homo Gay Agenda’s network “Bravo.” This station is the brainwashing center of the gays. Young males are told that man purses are fashionable and all they really are, are a place for gays to store anal rape toys, chemicals to loosen their sewer muscles, blindfolds for children and other pedo items.
Action: A good smack to the side of the head. Any boy who walks around with a homo hand bag needs to be roughed up. Challenge your son to a wrestling match and let them know they can invite their other boy friends over for a good ol’ fashion hand of God whooping.
Daughter cuts her hair short
Reason: Most likely watching the “L” word on Showtime, spending time with hippies or has gone to a party in Palm Springs.
Action: Force them to do kitchen duties for a month. This will remind them the role of a women. Not going out and hanging with the girls or drinking at a bar. Young girls need structure and that structure can be taught by making meals, cleaning and sewing.
Son gets a faux hawk
Reason: The gays most popular hair cut. Your son most likely saw this on every homo in homowood or has been watching and listening to Ryan Seacrest.
Action: Shave their head with a razor. The pure pain of doing this will make them think twice about going down to a salon instead of a barber shop, so they can make their hair look like some homo dumped devil dna in it and swirled it around. The razor is painful, but is not abuse. Giving a child a haircut is now physical at all.
Son cries like a girl
Reason: Listening to emo music or Adam Lambert.
Action: Secretly record your son crying and play it at their school during morning announcements. The humiliation that your son with go through will instantly force them to suck it up and be manly.
I hope my knowledge helps a few of you parents out there. Do remember, that it isn’t just your child’s fault, it is also your wifes.
It used to be if you had a sinchild you could get pretty good mental health counseling for them and find out why they are having problems, but with the decline of state mental health services in the US it’s really tough for today’s parents to fix this issue. Negative reinforcement is still among the best methods (gentle rebukes, i.e., verbal and physical) is still among the best methods. Consistency in challenging the deviant behavior is pretty crucial.
“Negative reinforcement is still among the best methods (gentle rebukes, i.e., verbal and physical) is still among the best methods.”
This is why you need to be castrated. Or better yet, exterminated.
It sounds to me that Adam Nelson’s advice would be helpful for your parents.
negative reienforcement might work however it has sevrere side effects.
it’s like trying to fix a broken leg by choping the leg off…. sure it works if done right but that guy’s still never gonna walk again.
then again if you weren’t a horrible parent you wouldn’t have to resort to negative reinforcment
Castration’s the last resort. Works on the Portland queers but fer some reason we get in trouble if we do it.
I also remember Amber had some good insights to a girl who was caught doing “M” acts to herself. Some of that advice I think can apply to this article too from that one is pray for them and find them a good Christian counselor who teaches abstinence and such. Gays are only that way because they are sexual perverts or traumatized by something that makes them think of sex in a weird way in their mind. This can be fixed and there is hope for parents who sadly are burdened with these types of kids.
A man who’s afraid to say the word “masturbation” should not be permitted to enter the medical field.
this is a family website.. of course hes not gonna use inappropriate talk
I recommend a baptism by immersion for 10 minutes; just to make sure the Lord gets the gay out.
wow i knew there was a lot of fucked up stuff going on around these christian websites but i had no clue it was this bad where retarded people like you think you can tel someone that you can get the gay out of your child
Psst… Christwire is a satirical website, but keep it under your hat! It sucks the fun out of it if you point it out.
You could just say that you think they should be drowned.
Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! Preach Brother Bowers! Preach!
Now you know I went to Miss Priscilla’s Finishing School for Christian Young Ladies so I was spared exposure to ill behaved homosexual children and those filthy dirty boys with their filthy minds.
Recently however, I drove my Sister In Christ Kaye Wye to the Walmart to shop. I don’t usually frequent that type of establishment. I find it almost impossible to finish my shopping with the continual interruptions to chastise the sinners for their lack of fashion sense and hygiene. On this visit, Walmart had their back to school sale running and the place was overrun with unwashed, foul mouthed, ill-behaved children. They must have all been homosexuals based on their behavior. I should have given their parents a disapproving look for having produced homosexual offspring but I don’t know if they would have known the difference between that look of disgust and the look I gave them for purchasing polyester blend clothing.
I am going to call Reverend Barnes and start a petition to gather up all these homosexual children and ship them off to San Francisco.
Tyson, what an interesting article and it’s so wonderful you were able to share you own childhood experiences to make this even more compelling. I particularly enjoyed the part about Veganism and appropriate backpack/purse attire. It is so essential that parent’s these days pay attention to such things.
Thanks buddy! This is a short over view of my new Values Over Valuables tour.
That title is a true winner! “Values over Valuables”– Wowow!
Vegan = city queer. Beef it’s what’s fer dinner. Eat steaks and it’ll help reduce the queerness.
Hello Billings, have you seen that post where I tell you you could possibly die? You may want to find it, time is ticking.
Mr. Bowers, you failed to mention that other MAC which is a brand of cosmetics worn by the hedonistic tranvestual, R.U.Paul. When I see him onstage prancing around with Viva Glam gloss on his lips and his God-given manhood tucked clear up inside his anus, I simply cannot watch. I have to run to the bar for another Long Island iced tea.
I will add that. Thanks for the help. Many girls in AZ wear stuff like that. All little devil whores.
Hey Bowers, you know what, I think you can go right on the list with Billings, so have fun. If you find one of my other posts in another article, you will know about the plan to kill Billings, the same plan now applies to you.
Have some good old CHRISTIAN FUN While you wait to die.
So I was almost right. You, sir, are a homophobic racist sexist bastard who is uneducated and still living in the 50’s. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.
It’s a parody site, it’s just that Stevie and Adam seem to take things way too far. Tyson trolled a high school kid and people bought it. It’s pretty much up to each individual to either be offended or roll with the jokes. I take a third option and become a part of them.
I’ll take your advice. i first thought this site was a satire like the Onion, but turns out some people seem serious about this!
Yeah, like Claire, the rabid blogger.
Wat iznt to be taking serious bout this?
I know a way to Punish “gay” is to Kick Priest in their ass and tell them not to touch altar boy anymore
The way you write your article is gross. The descriptions of “sewer holes” and “fish caving” is so classless and tacky. A Christian would never talk like that. You should wash your mouth out with soap. Jesus would definitely have vomited on you for talking like that.
This has got to be a joke right? I mean seriously. This is not funny in any way shape or form.
You’re right it’s not funny, it’s vital information for what to do if your son (or to a lesser importance, daughter) is a gay. Any true Christian would recognize that…wash the Satan out of your eyes.
Glad someone here understands the seriousness of this topic!
Hitler, in his wisdom, sent these homos to the gas chamber. He was a just and righteous man, and those were great days for the white race.
But we were betrayed and look at what the hook-nosed Je ws gave us, to break our spirit. What can break your spirit more than being forced to take black cork while in jail, or now, not even the mighty US Army is safe for us. (The Navy was lost to homos a long time ago).
it’s mucj easier getting a message across if you lie i persume?
“Back in my day there was maybe a 1% population of homosexual students. Now they is rising number and it is currently at 35.9%.”
the number of homosexuals haven’t changed. what did change is peoples knowledge of them. it’s lik aspergers. it’s not that more prople have had it the last 10-20 years we simply realise more people fit the description.
and in this case fewer homosexuals fear comeing out.
“Sin hole play and any other of the activities listed above can infect your baby with the iGay gene.”
care to give any kind of source on that kind of stupidity?
btw christian activities can infect you with brain damage in 99.999999% of the cases and murder tendencies in 100%. proof? who needs that shit right?
You people need help what a bunch of narrow minded self righteous jerks we have here. Well I guess we should all just say the world is flat the earth is the center of the universe and women should not vote oh what am I saying women are to be seen and not heard right Lets go back to late Russia and bring back the true meaning of the “The Rule of Thumb” As long as the stick is no wider than your thumb beat away gentlemen.
In short if you feel that condemning a person for their choice of speech or attire is valid and worthy of violence and ridicule then you might as well return the world to the true dark ages and have true civil inequality oh and while we are at it how dare blacks and whites eat together or drink from the same faucet those are nasty black germs ewwwwwwwww might infect our small minded white race oh no and menstruation nasty women should be separated so as not to expose men to such things And as for those cripples lock them away in a sanitarium so that we decent folk do not have to see them they are after all gods little mistakes
It is a bad idea to teach tolerance or to love one another as Jesus loved you that is not what he meant he meant love those like you and hate the rest do not
Thank you Pastor Grand Dragon May your white hood never get stained and your crosses burn bright
Say hi to Hitler for me
You forgot to mention!
Little girls should now be banned from ever listening to Justin Beiber due to his haircut! I cannot believe has now been adopted by the lesbians as a style! I am so sad that pure and innocent young man has to suffer due to bad lesbian fashion sense.
you people are all sick fucks. how the hell can you judge people based on their sexuality (which is a natural thing in nature). I hope all you god masturbators all burn in hell and are reborn as cockroaches that happy gay children can step on and murder. fuck all of you
Dang city queer rattlesnake!
Is this a parody? There’s no way a person could actually be this stupid.
I was wondering the same thing. This can not be written in seriousness. I’m not even speaking of a stance against homosexuality, Scripture does speak to that. This is not based on Scripture. This is NOT based on a Christ following relationship, this is very twisted.
Wow, just wow. I stumbled upon this website, and cannot determine if you guys are joking or you actually believe this bullshit? All i see is a bunch of losers hiding behind their “religion” spewing hate and deceit to all who choose to listen. Religion was made to keep feeble minded people, such as you all, at bay. To control, manipulate, and deceive us to do whatever the rich and powerful want us to do. You can hide behind your fake stories tossed together in a book that has been manipulated to its very seem with lies and exaggerations, much like that found on this website. Religion is the cause of all evil. This site is filled to the top which said evil. How you even can call yourself journalists are beyond me. No i am not gay, i myself, dont agree with such lifestyles. But to spew hate in the ways you do and then to run and hide behind your “religion” is just ridiculous. May i ask you one question? If there are genes that influence sexuality, didnt god intend to do so? O wait this oh so powerful god, creator of everything, must of made a mistake right? Oh wait admitting mistake is alot harder than blaming it on SATAN. Fuck religion and the brainwashed followers who send their children out to be sodomized, brain washed, and controlled. Religion is all knowing, but yet, once upon a time the world was flat, we were the center of the universe, and there is no extraterrestrial life out there. Hmm yeah right. Its reasons like that, that make people like you, have their heads so far stuck up their asses enjoying their own fumes. We are not special, we are not the only ones, and your religion will crumble before your own feet. So worship the holy book of child stories and metaphors, preaching lies about how you are above all others, while I and many other people open our eyes and use common sense.
I found this article arousing.
“Back in my day there was maybe a 1% population of homosexual students. Now they is rising number and it is currently at 35.9%.”
Darling, back in your day, lynchings were socially approved and women were considered baby makers.
“When your wife becomes pregnant, make sure to have the fetus tested for any gay genes. If your child is tested positive, then you need to talk to your wife and ask her why she engaged in female to female fish cave worshiping in college or if she had any late night orgies with bi sexual men while skipping her home ec classes. Ask her if she has ever had her sewer hole tainted by a man’s twiddle rompus or if she has shoved a plastic man torpedo up there. Sin hole play and any other of the activities listed above can infect your baby with the iGay gene.”
I can’t begin to tell you how this entire section made me guffaw for ten minutes. Dude, how do we know YOU weren’t the one doing “sin hole play” and not your wife?
“homo walking fetus”
Sounds like the name of an epic band.
What I really like about this site, is the morons ‘Tyson Bowers III and Co’ seem to display, and the ‘I’m missing more than a few chromosomes’ in every topic they deliver. Thank god for inbred America.
It took me a while to realize this is a joke. At first I thought it was serious.
Is this site a joke? I really can’t tell.
Is this site for real? is this a kind of bad joke?
It’s a kind of awesome joke…but don’t talk about that. (you’re supposed to be making fake comments, not real ones)
Uh wow. I think all of you need to stfu. Nothing is wrong with being gay, and you all are so defensive about this, it makes me think you’re all getting it from both ends. Just saying.
Also, shut up bout emo music. It’s amazing, yo.
Gays will burn in hell with the saki Japanese.
Care to claim you’re not a racist again?
Pretty funny article, but just one thing–it’s “dyke,” not “dike.” If you’re going to label me, at least spell it right!
This site is a joke right? Like a parody? No one is this stupid :p
SPECIFICALLY TO Tyson Bowers III (what kind of name is that anyway?):
THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS PIECE OF CRAP THAT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE AND BEATEN. IT IS THE YEAR 2010, BEING A CONSERVATIVE, IGNORANT ASSHOLE IS NOT RELEVANT. YOU ARE NOT RELEVANT. YOU ARE A VERY SAD PERSON AND I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU EVERY DAY.
Congrats. This is exactly the kind of mentality that sent Jews to gas chambers. I fail to see how this is any different from Nazi propaganda. I’m sure your God is immensely proud of your hate, bigotry, and utter stupidity.
Thumb down for not siting any sources.
If you were in any fashion an academic, you’d know that common knowledge does not need to be CITED. 😉
‘The gay gene’ bwaaahahahaha! If you read past that and thought this site was serious, I’m sorry. This article went over the top. The first one about college sluts who vajazzle was subdued enough to make me wonder if it was just some zealous freakshow as I can attest to ridiculous shit spewing forth from crazy religious people, but this! This was so awful and full of offensive comedic terms you can’t fail to burst out laughing. Rather good satire, this site.
welcome to the club!
here have some pizza!
That’s nothing, the Chinese Communist Atheist Evils trap them in cages wrapped in stones, and throw them into rivers to slowly drown, and then they fish them out and hang them over the town sign to discourage all fags from fagging out. That is how the Americas should do it, although in no way am I supporting the Communist Evil Atheist Chinese. Damn them and their Atheist Chinese Evil Communsistness…
You stupid the people who tells seriously their fucking “arguments”.
I think, if this is a real parody or whatever, this kind of things are not necessary because you have to take in mind that confusing texts like this, “educates” ignorant people who reads and doesn’t have an opinion of life and no knowledge. This is crappy shit when there’s no a clarification.
So, be responsible and carefully when joking. The world doesn’t needs shit like this.
Please, if you don’t know English, don’t try and type it. Your grammar is horrible.
Please, if you don’t have any idea of what I’ve been talking about, shut up. Just shut the fuck up idiot!
this is either a parody site or you people are just flat out insane. if this is a parody site then it is just flat out in bad taste. why do al the people with photos up at the top look like serial killers?
Because THEY ARE serial killers, like the motherfucking guy that created this shit… This is a page to spread the violence. Remind that. They’re retarded.
you guy are FUCKING retarded
you would beak your child if he or she was gay thats horrible
once i again i will point some shit out my boy friend is completely straight and wears girls pants because they fit his small frame he’s not very tall but he’s tough as nails and has longish hair and wears make up he’s not 1 for crying either I’ve seen him cry once and it was when his grandma died and then there’s my friend Anna-Belle who honestly believed she could make me a christian and well failed but that’s not the point the point is that she has short hair and yet is completely straight and a church goer actually all the lesbians i know have long hair hmmm… well there goes those rules out the window bye bye and you can’t stop a kid from being gay all you can do is force them to hide it till they leave home or can’t take it any more and take their own life and the reason the kids weren’t unruly wasn’t cause of the amount of them that were gay it’s cause they were scared shitless of their teachers i think one of my favorite lines from x-men apply here it’s something Magneto says: “Are you a God-fearing man, Senator? That is such a strange phrase. I’ve always thought of God as a teacher; a bringer of light, wisdom, and understanding.” well i agree with that quote cause who are we to judge what we do not understand??? [img]http://www.twilightseries.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/screw-bella-swan.jpg[/img]
That picture is disgustin’ dang city queers.
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THE funniest thing about this post is I am STILL trying to figure out if this dude was serious or not.
Sorry, first gay person I am ever gonna love and protect is the one that GOD ever deems me strong enough to father. THEN and ONLY then do I become a staunch supporter.
Blood is thicker than……………..ANYTHING.
TELL ME THIS RIDICULOUS BULLSH*T IS NOT SERIOUS! THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE, IGNORANT, HOMOPHOBIC THING I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE!
Now, I just read the article, and though I don’t specifically praise this religion, I do think that it is wrong to punish you’re child for freely expressing themselves in an orderly fashion. They are not hurting anyone for being homosexual and making them seem like they are unaccepted will probably only make them vent and rebel against whatever consequences their parents have, and won’t help at all. I think it is best for the parent to sincerely talk to their child and let them say how they feel, not abuse them into what they don’t want to become. I think it is best to talk it out with the child and see what they want to do, and accept them for the path they have chosen, they aren’t doing anything wrong.
This can’t be a serious article.
Geeze this site gives no credibility to Christianity and is complete and utter sin. Homosexuality is contrary to the Bible but so is the crap you guys are advocating.
Lol Homo gays
You can’t be serious.
This is sickening – I really hope that this is either a parody or a joke, because this isn’t human, and it definitely isn’t right.
Homosexuality exists EVERYWHERE. Even in the animal kingdom, and it has always existed. Stop trying to stop something that can’t be controlled: love.
Love between two people, gay or not, is completely okay. You are Christians, you should know this.
I am sickened, and I really hope you get hit by a bus or something. This is called ignorance, open your goddamn minds!
This stuff is a joke, these people don’t have a life! This stuff isn’t right, it’s downright inhuman and disrespectful! This isn’t normal behavior, if someone wants to be Gay, Bisexual, Lesbian, Transgender, LET THEM!
I LOVE ADAM LAMBERT! he isn’t emo music! And, here’s a little dedication from him 😛 He supports gays(obviously :P)
well I had a vid from Adam Lambert but it didn’t show, it’s him talking about that sexuality is okay and people are free to express themselves
One time, I told my daddie I wanted to suck a snatch. He punished me by humping my poopie hole until I submitted. Mmmm… I love the penis! and the poopie!
My life partner and I just died of laughter, so did our adopted son and daughter. Seriously, tears in our eyes and everything. All this is BS and some can STILL get the police called in for emotional abuse. Which I will happily do if I find out one of my student’s parents are doing this to them.
(P.S. Spread tolerance not intolerance!)
Good thing you can laugh at a joke.
(Should be spreading obviousness, not haven’t-got-a-clue-ness.)
Ain’t no such things as a queer in cowboy country. Solution is to send the kid out here, but ya got to do it early enough so we can set ’em straight. American flag, rodeo, ropin’ that’ll do it.
If all else fails and if they’re from Portland, ya geld ’em but you got to be quiet about it ’cause the liberals get strange about it. I don’t believe in geldin’ ’em before they’re 14, except in the worst cases.
Really? Is this article real? Is this whole website real? This place is ridiculous and is completely ignorant. Please tell me it is not real.
Really? Is this article real? Is this whole website real? This place is ridiculous and is completely ignorant. Please tell me it is not really.
i love being gay ok
Oh Hun bun, I love u just for the fact that ur gay but dolly this site is a joke just play along with it. Cuz is u take it seriously then u will be fucking nuts like me.
Is that your excuse? I think the crazy may go a little deeper than that.
Is this serious? I’m thinking this is too stupid to not be a troll!
l-lol. There’s gay genes now? Thanks for amusing me.
XD screw Bella
I SUPPORT GAY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!
haha! This article is fucking homophobic and the dick-head whoever posted must be gay his self. Don’t hide it, dude. There’s no problem with being gay, and if you have a problem with homosexual’s, suck it up and get over it.
Those fags must be taught how to kill. Being able to kill your enemy in cold blood is the hallmark of a real man. That’s it. Get a goat or a sheep and order the fag to kill it with a knife. Or even a small bird will do, to stomp on it. If he refuses, that’s a sure sign he engages in sinful sewer hole docking with others of his ilk. So beat it out of him with a nice belt until he butchers the animal and yells out the words “Fags are weak.”