Cake – Making Music or Making Homosexual Druggies?

What is Cake?

Show me a NYU student who doesn’t know who Cake is and I will show your a heterosexual Lady Gaga fan. Cake is a college targeted band that is highly heterosexuality motivated and cover rainbow kissed sound waves throughout the American campuses. First invading colleges, high schools and middle schools, within their hometown of “Sac” a “man “toe in the early 90’s, Cake has become one of the biggest underground, unknown named bands among the 11 to 25 age range or also known as the “Mtv” demographic. Also we must remind you that the average age of the band members is 43. This band is full of no name, talentless musicians that try to copy The Phish sound but also incorporate Mexican trumpet loops over dubstep techno beats.

After their popular post punk pop song “Short Skirt Long Jack”, the band has been laughing their gay bump rumps off all the way to the bank. Since then, they have been caking their crumbs of sinful copulation with song titles like, “Shadow Stabbing”, “Racecar Ya-Yas” and “Mr. Mastodon Farm”, which are all songs which promote a tingling techno invasion of homo erotic lyrics and Satanic sassafras.

So who leads this band of disgruntled middle aged Mariachi funksters? Well, if hipsters had a homosexual idol it would be the band’s leader singer, John McCrea, who can be seen dressed as a butt bucking cowboy or dirty bathroom romping ass bandit trucker. He almost looks like a white version of Fidel Castro.

What Does Their Name Mean?

You can’t spell the band’s name without the phrase “homosexual delicacies”. The band is actually two acronyms of terror and trash. There acronyms are “Catering Anal Karate Enticements” and to their underground fan club, they are known as “Cannibals, Atheists & Klan, Excitements”.

The name pretty much means they want you children to take a bit out of a sweet and fluffy piece of homosexual cake and to fill their veins with sugary gayness.

Does Their Music Have a Homosexual Agenda?

To start off and prove our claims on homosexual brain washing, we need to look no further than their song “Stickshifts and Safety-belts”, which is a song about wanting men to go the distance with dangerous homosexual analingus play.

Let us do a play by play on some of their albums. I was going to give an analysis on each one, but the context is so grim and full of profanity, that I worry our site would be shut down for vulgar language.

Fashion Nugget

A fashion nugget is the gay underground term for what is called “fisting”. “Fisting” is when one male takes his whole hand and reverse defecates it up another man’s sewer hole. This act creates a “milked orgasmic” effect onto the brutally assaulted homosexual.

Prolonging the Magic

“Prolonging the Magic” is another term the gays use in reference to their Satanic sex doors. Just like the ravers, Cake fans enjoy a long night of ecstasy tripping and from previous reports, we all know that ravers and gays take drugs anally. It has been said that by shoving a pill of happy candy up the sin chute, that not only does the drug “kick” in faster, but it also “prolongs the magic” or in civil society terms, “makes the drug last longer.”

Pressure Chief

We all know devil DNA is created when a male performs a self sexing act or when homosexuals have sex or even when a hetero couple has sex before they are married. We know that the devil juice explodes from the tip of the twiddle rompus once the proper amount of pressure has been reached to cause demonic climax. Well in the gay porn world, there is a job position called the “pressure chief” and their job is to demon whack the gay adult stars sin muscle to keep them fully aroused before ever scene. This “chief” makes sure the stars are at any given time full of pressure and ready to hurl gay diseased goo, when the director yells “action!”

Cake Statistics

All in all, Christians go to Heaven and Cake will dive head first into hell with their goatee male taint tickle facial hair lead singer. We tried to find something that would prove us wrong, but everything we searched Bing or Hotbot, it was never there. All we could find was more and more proof that the rectal muscle cavern adventurers love to push a gay agenda onto our children.

26 thoughts on “Cake – Making Music or Making Homosexual Druggies?

  1. M Popko

    This article is not even grammatically correct in the beginning. Nor does the opening paragraph make sense. So stupid. Try editing. Try actually reading over your work. How about trying not to be such a pretentious prick making all Christians look like assholes. Good job Tyson Bowers III you made everyone look like idiots.

    1. Ice Van Winkle

      So Stupid. Is not. A sentence.

      You liberal grammar Nazis need some arguments to make your points. Quit focusing on grammar like some limp wristed pedantic and focus on make a persuasive argument, for once. It must be hard going through life always being wrong.

      Liberals like you disgust me. And you make Jesus cry.

          1. August Weisz

            We apply for grants to do research for our articles on this site. Some of the grants are federal, state or from private organizations such as the foundation for a better tomorrow. We do not keep any of the funds for ourselves. The funds go to travel, research, technology etc… As a U-Reporter I am not allowed to solicit grant funding exceeding 50K.

            I also don’t appreciate the language you use. I am a servant of the fellowship. This is not demeaning; it just means I put the fellowship first in my list of life priorities.

  2. Alison Manson

    Ppl the only person u wanna Loren to about music is me!
    I mean I work for a major record company, ok I mean come on it’s all a joke hahahahahahaha
    now let’s allove on with our lives! ^.^

  3. Richard Brown

    About two years ago this band was coming to my small town in Georgetown, Texas. My grandson that was staying with me at the time said he really liked this band and he would like to attend. So I brought him to the concert. Much to my displeasure they began playing rock and roll songs that were openly about homosexual encounters while taking illegal drugs. As soon as I realized this (about 5 minutes into the first song) we left. After doing some research on the web I gave my grandson christian rock and roll records praying that this gay music didn’t turn him into a homosexual “PCP-head”. So far so good. Pray for him!

    1. ILoveCake

      i hope he doesn’t like the music you gave him b/c it’s not real music, it’s religious propaganda. bands don’t turn people into gays or drug users, their body chemistry makes them who they are & it’s the people and environment they surround themselves with who make drug users. music is entertainment, not a life-altering influence.

  4. Kayla.

    the one thing i noticed, even though i have never heard of this band before in my life. where they are from is not called “sac” a “man” “toe.” its spelled sacramento. as in the capital city of california.

  5. krissy

    this article is completely ridiculous! i will say it mad me laugh tho. ps i didnt know you could get grants for writing fiction.

  6. ILoveCake

    this is the biggest load of b.s. i’ve ever read in my life. how about you site some sources for your drivel of an article? this band is one of the most peace loving groups you can find, they promote political openness, environmental consciousness (they give away a tree to be planted at EVERY show), they try to get their fans involved in the world around them to make positive changes. you’re article is bad-mouthing one of the few bands in the world that try to make an actual difference in the lives of its listeners. why don’t you concern yourself with something that actually matters in the world? the gay community has probably never effected your life in any way, shape or form. if you don’t like homosexuals, don’t associate with them, don’t think about them, they want to love someone just like everyone else in the world. it’s not gay people that make gay people, it’s straight people having babies. gay is not a choice people consciously make & if you think it is .. get over yourself. you think they want the ridicule & judgement that comes with the lifestyle? no, and they shouldn’t have to be ashamed of wanting love. it’s people like you who make religion look bad. saying that the world “klan” is part of the CAKE name is also b.s. seeing as how the klan was crazy christian zealots, like you. this entire website promotes hate. anyone who is a member, writes for this site or reads it & believes the sh*t on here needs to worry about their own lives & not about people who they will never meet. the world will continue turning & people will continue being who they are no matter what you spew on this site, get involved in something that matters for a change and try to make the world a better place instead of hating everyone & everything if they don’t believe in your God. it’s people like you who make the world a scary & ignorant place, not peace promoting musicians.

      1. ILoveCake

        first off, i’m not a hippie. secondly, what does this even answer? third, how about you link to something that isn’t from this website (or any other one-sided christian site)? you people are so narrow minded & ignorant it astounds me. step out of your church & take an actual look at the world around you. it’s not a bad place if you accept people for who they are and don’t try to shove your beliefs down others throats.

      2. ILoveCake

        and while i did say the worlds “peace” and “love” in my comment before, that doesn’t automatically translate to “hippie.” Cake is not a “hippie” band, nor are the vast majority of their listeners “hippies.” the article you posted is more one-side religious drivel that promotes hate. “hippies” don’t want to ruin your lives, they want to live theirs. and while there are may factions of the christian faith, so are there many factions of what you call “hippies” which this article doesn’t even mention or touch on. stop classifying & labeling everything so it fits into the neat little box you want to make other believe & try to see other people’s points of views for once.

  7. ILoveCake

    alright folks, i’ve went ahead & done some research about this website & have come to find that it’s completely SATIRICAL!! wow. my bad! i was scared that there were still people this ignorant & bigoted in the world! good job, christwire, ‘cuz you sure got me! hahahaha!!


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