What is Cobra Starship? Sex, drugs and muscle relaxant saturated Hi-C fruit drinks would be the quickest way to describe this sex filled glazed eyed, acid laced cigarette smoking, freak show of a band. This band is nothing more than a black plague of hipsters, who dress in neon colored jump suits and raver meth glasses.
Like typical New York City sewer street trash, this band has created music to praise and promote unsafe sexual penetrations, un-same colored body rubbing and Harlem black street drug use, like acid laced cracked coked canes. With their popular mp3 format iTunes album,¡Viva La Cobra!, they laid the brick work to enter your children’s mind and leading them down the fiery subway to Satan’s warehouse party. Satan’s warehouse is where he turns out gays, lesbians, transgenders and bi-sexual New England hipsters.
While your children are barraged by this bands neon colored jumpsuits, Satan is enter the ear canals of you children via the music waves. Satan is able to ride sound waves that are created by bands like this and once their ears are opened by the electro music, he is able to easily become a parasite within their brains. Once your child is a host to Satan, bands like Cobra Starship inject their musical demonic commands into their brains.
For those who don’t believe us that this band is a group of Satanic gateway openers, raging bi-sexuals and fairy footed, fecal farming homosexuals, I guarantee if they submitted a blood test, they would come out positive for the gay death cold (HIV). That is the only blood test currently able to properly test for gay activity in ones body.
They are also the band who originally wrote the famous “I Kissed a Girl” song, which was performed by the sinfully perky and blimpy milk sac’d temptress, Kathy Perry. They also perform their own version called “I (mouth sexed) a Boy”, where Gabe changed the lyrics to tell a story about a bi-sexual, whipped cream gas induced four-way he had back in college. This orgy comprised of interracial sex part penetrations, along with demonic anal sin docking and they also performed same sex mouth sex acts.
Formation
Cobra Starship was formed after frontman Gabe Saporta fled into the deserts of Arizona after a week long binge of apple cosmos, honey rainbow ecstasy pills and medieval like rampage of gay sex. He was so embarased of being a leader singer for the super hip boy band “O-Town”, so he went on a mission to find Satan in the desert. He knew that is where the demon lord visited Jesus and he was right. Saporta spent days and nights plotting with Satan on how to create a new style of music that could infiltrate the white family household. Once their plan was divested, Satan morphed into a Cobra and took a bite out of Gabe and said “Drink my poison and be my starship to collect America’s youth and corrupt them.”
After his desert wet dream of Satanic pleasures, Gabe moved to the second most evil and homo-opolis city in the world, New York, and formed electro pop punk SIN-sation, Cobra Starship.
Members
Gabe Saporta
Front man and lyrical writer, Gabe abides by Satan’s whispers to write songs that are jam packed with necormatic like wizard magic, that brainwashes your children with tantalizing sprinkles of slutty driven pixel dust. Besides his demon blood inked lyrics, his on stage hand gestures and antics are faggier than Freddy Mercury riding a unicorn while winking and sucking on a lollipop.
Ryland Blackinton
Ryland is Gabe’s former high school sweetheart, joined the band in hopes to rekindle that gay love spark between him and Saporta. Ryland, which is a pagan name for “Raping the Land”, plays the serpent six string for the band.
Victoria Asher
The vixen of sexual death, is the ” keytarist” for the band and likes to use her daughter of Eve lustful legs to entice the crowd with thoughts of self m-ing. She is also known to smear her face with her own vaginal baby blood, to get more electro punk street cred among the band’s fans.
Alex Suarez
Progressive bands aren’t cool unless they let minorities in the band and Suarez was the missing like to make the band look diverse and liberal. Like all good Mexicans, Alex was good with his hands, so the band decided to throw him on keyboards.
What Does Their Name Mean?
A cobra is a venomous snake that spews toxic liquid into the eyes of its victim to blind it. Once blinded the cobra will strike its teeth into the pray’s skin and injects it poison into the blood stream. With this band, instead of the cobra being a reptile hunter, they are referring to the male naughty sex sector of the body and they are wanting to blind their listeners with sex propaganda and then inject them with their juicy sauce like male DNA venom.
What is Electro Pop Punk?
Electro pop punk came from the sex sweat flooded dance floors of the gay disco area of 1998. Once the gays had their fun with funky town beats, they moved onto pop music, leaving the disco-tech warehouses open for the taking. From these warehouses emerged Trip Hop music, which hosted underage sex parties and tickled Satan’s musical juices to create a “white family friendly” form of Satanic music, electro pop punk.
To this day, electro pop punk concerts stick to their roots and make sure that with every concert, the underage sex parties flow with the sinful juices of pre-martial sexual bliss.
You can see by the chart below, that our Cobra friends also have incorporated their own sexual tidbits to the electro pop punk community. Being popular for their trip hop drug infused blood orgies, Cobra Starship also brings a gay aspect to the table. At any given concert six out of ten male concert ticket holders will indulge in anal sex docking.
Lyrical Proof
To those who chose to turn their heads the other way, while our youth is sodomized by lyrical rapists, I have taken three of their songs to show you what lies underneath their Satanic whispers of sex, violence, gay propaganda and drugs.
Aww Dip Lyrics
I don’t mind falling down to try again
The opening line is talking about performing a mouth sex act on a flesh torpedo.
Brothers, we waited forever
This is talking about the gay brotherhood and how they have waited so long to be able to go against God’s word and get married.
Oh, we’ll burn them down
This is a call to violence. They are telling your children to burn the fibers of America.
Snakes on a Plane Lyrics
For snakes on a plane / (bad “f” word)’em, I don’t care
Here they are telling your children they should hand sex a fellow passenger on a plane.
I can see the venom in their eyes
Venom in their eyes, is street talk for being high on illegal drugs.
Chew Me Up Lyrics
Count one, two, three / You got me on my knees
Again, they are telling you ale children to find three gay people and kneel down and perform a multi-interracial mouth sex at orgy.
I just want a taste when you spit me out
This takes about them wanting your son to have a mouthful of devil DNA and taste the juices of Satan’s pomegranate of sinful passion.
u just had to fuck with them u dipshit fuckers from hell! u know what im just gonna say that placing the christwire symbol next to ur “research” shows that its all fake! I hope that the people who actually know this band beats the living fuck out of u! BURN IN HELL BITCHES! I MEAKE THEM GOOD GIRLS GO BAD!
You want to calm down. It’s unhealthy to scream for prolonged periods of time, and you might hurt your hand punching the wall. Seriously, your blood pressure will be affected. I’m looking out for your health here.
please just go and shove a very pointy object up ur nose till u feel ur brain
That sounds very unpleasant. I’m sorry if we upset you. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? I suggest that if the content here makes you so angry, you might steer clear of this site for a little while.
and let u tell ppl lies about good ppl? um…….. no i wont
I’m sorry to hear that you’re so intent on making yourself angry. I’m afraid I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself.
angry dude i got invited to 2 raves and i am going to the VMAs so im not making myself mad i just get a lil heated up when it comes to u ppl saying mean things about the bands u clearly know jack shit about. my life is fantastic and i am happy, this site reminds me that there are retards who need my help. so in a way ur my bitch
BTW I FOUND U U FUCKING LIKE PRICK!
http://www.beauty-salon-marketing.com/about-us.html
“designing is only for the gays” a post u placed
Hey, Businessman Hank, aren’t you really George Slater?
Trollollollollol~
She wasn’t screaming. She was typing, dumbass.
CAPSLOCKS MEANS SCREAMING, DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?
Your submission was rejected due to unGodly amounts of grammatical errors and false statements.
Did you read your article? You’re going to talk about her comment being full of grammatical errors and false statements? If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black I don’t know what is.
Yeah. There’s article has grammar issues, too. “Kathy Perry.”
Dang, I meant ‘Their’
Someone’s mad…
cobra starship is not a rape band, and your not going to convince anyone to stop listening to their music. there are real people out there who do horrible things, but all you want to do is make sure people follow what you think is right, and i bet you don’t do much about the real problems in the world. Im a christian, and i do not approve of this
cobra starship is a rape band
and u a gullible moron ppl can manipulate
I miss these guys being an SF band, you are lucky to have them NYC! You wait till Halloween you’re in for a treat! And I love how people who comment on this site still don’t get how it works!
You know what this is not the band I was thinking of! I was thinking of Triple Cobra!
More ‘I hate a band so they’re evil!’ nonsense from another Christard.
Brother Bowers once again your detailed breakdown of lyrics and your brightly colored and easy to read graphs make it very simple and clear to understand that Cobra Starship are a fecal fellowship of filth and sin…
You sir, Tyson Bowers III and your co- authors, are the most Vile hate mongering pieces of shit that hell hath ever spat upon this planet. Love And let love.
Gene,
I think your sentiment reveals far more hate for others than anything authored here. Each person is entitled to an opinion, even you. While we may not agree, is it productive to refer to those we may not align with on topics of a cultural nature as “pieces of shit”? I think you are meant for greater than this common, predictable path.
BB
If you would have read the article it would have been clear that everything stated in this article was EXTREMELY offensive, to the band, the members and every one of their fans.
TBH (to be honest for you fucktards out there) I hate cobra starships music, but they are definitely none of the things listed above lol. Acid laced cigarette? Really? If you knew ANYTHING about chemistry, drugs or the world around you it would be clear that LSD-25 breaks down upon exposure to extreme heat or light. And because in your FIRST sentence you said “acid laced cigarette smoking”, you just invalidated everything you said because you began with a lie.
What a vile and repugnant band. No wonder Alice Manson loves them so
why thank u for noticing my amazing taste in music and its alison, although with all the trippy shit around me i could be the next Alice in wonderland! and they are not evil ur just full of shit and hey why bother with u, obviously ur gonna die soon so who gives a shit about what u say! LOL i am such a BITCH!
I am loving you at the moment. These people are assholes and absolutely know nothing of Cobra Starship. I dont know where the hell they even got their data. And they are making those lyrics sound bad when they have a deeper meaning. Fuck all you hater assholes! Go Alison!
Hey, just saying, they are an amazing band,you are a crazy old religious woman, and your last name is the god of another religion.
Oh my goodness now, Susan! Such strong language from a lady. As soon as my gay group of Satan’s Little Helpers are finished destroying the East Coast, we’re going to celebrate by holding a same-sex only orgie on top of all the debris. We’d invite you, but we think you might just be a bit of a voyeur and enjoy it too much. At your age, you should refrain from such excitement.
Ahm, Susan, you know nothing about Satanism, never did, never will. I have read the Satanic Bible myself and learned that all Christian propaganda is all garbage, and so is your religion Pagan! That’s right, you are a copy and paste from the Pagans.
what a joke, gods dead, fuck the world. jesus was a rapist
OH MY GOD.
I should be angered, cuz I love Cobra.
BUT THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS BULLSHIT I HAVE EVER READ.
Seriously, if Gabe, VicyT, Ryland, Alex or NATE, YES, NATE NOVARRO, HE IS IN THE BAND, read this, they’d laugh more than I did, which was a lot, and make it their wikipedia!
Really, this is a compliment to them.
Jesus [Torres] get a grip! I mean, Johnny Christ! You only wrote this because you like VickyT’s legs. And I don’t fuckin’ blame you mate, she is one foxy lady 😉
From a bi Canadian/Italian/Irish.
AND STOP HATING ON MEXICANS!!! They have tacos bitch!
I KNOW! Best article ever. VickyT just posted the link on twitter, she fucking loves it. I suddenly wish I was a boy just so I could have a lot of gay sex after reading this. This made my day. 😀
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that Christwire is full of bullshit.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
You liberal kids should really stop taking all those sparkling pills. Repent.
Are you talking to me?
Well, I’ll happily let you know that I’m not taking a drug. I’m just Twilight Sparkle, from Ponyville!
ok what are you smoking Lurlene. ur crazy, go have an “epiphany” or something
Hey! Don’t you accuse Twilight of using drugs! She’s the nicest pony I’ve ever met in my life, and I will not let you slander her name like this!
I mean, um, if that’s okay.
Then you realize you responded to the wrong person.
sparkling pills…wtf are you smoking?
Can I write the letter next time? 😀
MEGAN 😀
she just said it out loud i had to type it and write it for her
Um… Twilight?
Was this really a learning experience for you? I mean, um, wasn’t that obvious?
Can’t tell if a joke or really serious…
Got a good laugh out of it though.
Also, we don’t do much politics in Equestria. We all obey Princess Celestia.
THE CHURCH OF HOT ADDICTION RULES ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LOVE IS EQUAL AND SEX IS EQUAL NO MATTER YOUR GENDER. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’M LAUGHING SO HARD AT THIS.
Haha you are so fucking retarded. You seriously think that everyone who listens to Cobra is going to turned out fucked? First thing you should do is take a look at your shit life. If I was one of your kids I would kill myself in a heartbeat. Cobra Starship has helped so many kids IN A POSITIVE WAY. If you you’d even take the time to see what the members are like you wouldn’t be saying this shit. Oh wait yeah you would because you are so god damn fucking stupid! Have a horrible life. LGBT for life.
i can’t… this has got to be the most ridiculous passage i have ever read. the comparisons are so un-parallel and grasping on for such false evidence it is insane.
it’s this kind of shit that gives the christian community so much flack. you dont see people creating blogs and passages to bash christian singers and bands, therefore what is the point in creating conflict over a “feel good” pop punk band.
there is so much judgement and criticism and selectiveness practiced in christianity and it is sad. as a young adult, i can see exactly why more and more teens are shying away from religion all together.
this world was created for love of everything and acceptance.
Actually there are websites that bash Christian bands. Like this one with the homo-erotic name.
http://www.anus.com/metal/about/metal/christian_metal.html/
We are being persecuted, day in and day out by satanists, atheists, scientists, communists, muslims, jews, liberals, pagans, nazis, nihilists, homosexuals, buddhists, hindus, new agers, rastafarians, pastafarians, agnostics, libertarians, democrats, socialists,anarchists, wickans, scientologists, UFO cults, free thinkers, gypsies, hippies, eco-terrorists, potheads etc etc etc.
I dont blame them
personally, i’m deeply offended that nate was not included in the list of band members/gay brotherhood members.
I’ve seen Cobra Starship live 4 times. Now, I don’t remember any underage sex games, “anal sin docking”, exposed milk sac play, “trip hop” drug taking, but I vaguely remember a blood orgy and I may have taken part of an interracial make out session. Sorry mom. Sorry God.
But seriously? How does this Tyson Bowers know so much about the gay lifestyle, eh? To quote Hamlet act III, sc. ii: Methinks thou dost secretly buttfuck too much.
There is my answer to the arguing. Good day.
This is your singing telegram,
I hope it finds you well.
You’re invited to a party
’cause we think you’re really swell!…
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER OH MY GOD
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THEY ARE JOKING?
Satanist pop culture infiltrating the souls of young Americans is no joking matter. Let us pray for salvation, may God reach down with his mighty fist and strike this band down!
i thought you were suppose to be in the kitchen?
http://g.e-hentai.org/g/353946/f2c22a262d/
hey, just saying, your “research” is complete bullshit…oh let me put it in your language. it is as bad as “mouth sex acts”. Religion is the reason i didnt grow up to be a crackhead asshole, but you take it to the next level. the level that pushes me away from god. I love music. it is a form of art, and when people trash art like you do, it makes me lose hope in society. p.s none of this shit is true. Guess what! i am religious, and i am i guy who not only likes girls, i like guys. and Jesus still loves me. I think the only people god frowns upon is those who hate. who hate gays, people who just express themselves, or any group. You people are just as good as Fred Phelps. a low life skum, who sucks the happiness from the world. the only thing this site is good for is a good laugh
This is hilarious!
Where do you get all of this delusional material? I know the internet is one acid trip, but this article is like an all-time high.
This is one of the reasons why old-Christians shouldn’t really listen to pop-rock songs. Stick to your Gospel songs.
…or could join us and dance the night away topless.
Oh wait, never mind, you’re too stuck-up to do that. cya.
Great review. Hilarious.
This is a joke, right?
And p.s. you forgot a band member in the ‘members’ section.
How dare you sir. forget to mention one of the band members!
If you are going to say a whole lot of complete irrational lies at least do it right.
Fangs up! Cobra style! :3
G-A-B-E is comin’ for you.
Cobra Starship is amazing.
Christians are sick freaks.
I’d tell you to burn in Hell, but it doesn’t exist.
This website is the reason I stopped going to church. Thanks for making me stop believing in God guys! You really did a great job spreading the “good word” about your merciless and loving God.
Oh, and that Businessman Hank guy, I just have a few words for you. Do you even have a life? All I see are your comments on this website. It drives me crazy that you call yourself a Christian when your snide, offending comments are probably the most un-Christian things ever. If you are going to preach hate, be prepared to take some. You wanna be mean? You wanna disrespect people? Get ready to have it given right back to you. Because, in reality, that is what you’re doing. You people that run this website bash everyone that doesn’t have the same beliefs as you, and it scares me to think that you people think this is how God wants it. God is a loving and nurturing, and He sees how you are making people feel. Anger is one of the seven deadly sins; you may say that some will say anger is not a sin so long as it is reasonable. Do you really think dedicating a website to the denouncing of everyone else in the world is “reasonable” vengeance? We didn’t hurt you. So, if I’m going to Hell, I’m sure you’ll be right there with me.
umm…to the retards who published this story. You obviously left school in grade one. You are the most uneducated american i have ever seen,
hope you die in hell
from
A normal Christian
In 1st grade they teach you how to capitalize the first word in a sentence and also to capitalize words like “American” and “I”.
I’ve never done drugs, or alcohol, and I’m still a virgin.
And I love Cobra Starship. And have not participated in any gay sex orgies at their shows. Nor have I witnessed any.
And I go to church, like most people.
Wow. I can’t even. Okay, quick story. I’m agnostic, I doubt God exists, but let me say one thing first before I start on this whole band thing. Your ad for your little book has a ‘quote from God’? You really think God wants to read your stupid little book when he has better people to take care of other than you scumbags. I mean, honestly, you are so full of yourselves. Secondly, Cobra Starship. No. They are not anything your saying, and I would love to get mad, but it is honestly hilarious. God loves everyone equally, and he loves gays, ravers, drug-addicts, EVERYONE. I mean, jeez, you’re pretty freaking stupid for someone who claims to have the heart of God. By the way, anyone who is in this little cult, get yourselves out and accept that people like you are going to be why the world will always be filled with hate.
I can’t stop laughing right now. This critique rules. It’s almost too offensive and politically incorect to be REAL.
If it is real, one can’t be offended by the writers, but instead feel sorry that they don’t have the ability to be reasonable and rational.
If it’s not real, good on ya, writers! Very funny. You should write skits for SNL.
-from the desk of a straight virgin straight A student who has never done drugs or drank alcohol who happens to love Cobra Starship. FUNNY HOW I ESCAPED THE SEDUCTION OF THOSE QUEERS, AM I RIGHT?
finally they attack a band that deserves it.
I feel like this website is so ridiculous it’s not even serious. This is a definite troll cult here and I’m surprised people are getting so worked up about. This article definitely makes me want to go listen to the band to see what their fuss is about. Although anyone who uses phrases like “faggier than Freddy Mercury riding a unicorn while winking and sucking on a lollipop.” and “a mouthful of devil DNA and taste the juices of Satan’s pomegranate of sinful passion.” cannot actually be serious. And the people who are on the same side as this crazy website type like trolls, too! This site has a place just for hatemail! Which I’m sure is fucking hilarious to read and they probably feed off of it. If i could think of so many ridiculous sentences to make up a full article I’d probably do it too and read peoples silly replies. Dang, some people on here should lighten up, this shit is a laugh-fest!
Also, it’s people like the ones that run this website that ruin the christian image. So maybe you guys should top or at least make it obvious that you guys are some crazy ass motherfuckers.
“Her daughter of Eve lustful legs to entice the crowd with thoughts of self m-ing. She is also known to smear her face with her own vaginal baby blood.” I laughed SO HARD. This article is so entertaining and hilarious I have no words for it. And everyone who thought this is serious is really… just retarded.
You can’t be serious about this review your idiots i mean c’mon and if you are you need a good dose of the bible jesus talked to prostitutes and gays in a very humble loving way he wasn’t racist he didn’t agree with the homosexual lifestyle but he sure didn’t act like you guys
because you claim that you can see you are the ones in trouble but because they claim that they can’t see they will not be judged… if you don’t know what im talking about than you may not know the first thing about christianity ill be praying for whoever wrote this review along with the band that you have definitley misread even though they have some moral issues we all do… i can’t believe you this is not christworthy writing at all
THE REVIEWS YOU WRITE ARE RIGHT FROM THE MOUTH OF SATAN TURNING PEOPLE AWAY FROM A LOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD
Hipster band? HIPSTER BAND?
Even as a joke, calling Cobra Starship a hipster band is just 500 variations of wrong.
Shutterfly <3
I'm here to state that not all Christians are like this. My pastor has listened to this band and liked them.
As for Alison Mason, yes you are win.
I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw “Blood Orgies” included in a Cobra Starship concert. You guys should do an infomercial.
“My daughter plays with a barbie doll!”
LESBIAN.
“I once literally saw a black person!”
FUCK THIS SHIT WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE RAPED.
“I j-”
BLOOD ORGY.
you guys. this sites not even real. its satyrical. hahaha i find it funny now.
Hail Satan, fuck Cobra Starship.
This is the funniest thing ever!!!!!! i’m still laughing at this.
HOW DARE YOU TO FORGET NATE!!
fangs up! cobra style!
I really can’t believe this. I’m in shock! I didn’t know that Gabe had a crush to Ryland! And Alex! I thought that he played bass! ohh… and nate? I didn’t realize that he is not in the band anymore!!
Please, stop this “Articles” and start doing whatever you do
i cant.
thank you so much for a good hour of entertainment.
Aww… don’t dis the hipsters.
You like gays don’t you Tyson?
haters gotta hate
Hello God believers… firts of all,, ahhh Gabe never had a crush on Ryland. OMG! Cobra Starship is one of the best bands in the world for me! and you dare to said this?! like OMG…jajajjaj. Second,, I’m impresed that you didn’t talk about the song called “The Church Of Hot Addiction” that actully talk about sex and sins…you are so lost and you don’t appreciate the good music because you are trapped in your own bubble!. Well that was all that i had to said. Bye!
“exposed milk sac play…” these are some really interesting charts. is there one that includes gluteus maximus capturing? i mean, that’s my favorite, lemme tell ya.
Simply wanna comment on few general things, The website layout is perfect, the content material is very superb : D.
I’m just going to go and listen to Cobra Starship whilst I worship satan with my asian lesbian girlfriend.
Q-Q
That’s all I heard the whole time I read this thing.
Boofuckinghoo, we like to have sex.
Shut the fuck up and let us do what we want you prejudice pricks.
[img]http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab190/X-annie-rexia-X/stuff/usofunny.gif[/img]
i cant breathe
thanx 4 da laughs christwire!!1!
[img]http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab190/X-annie-rexia-X/squodwardflail.gif[/img]
g-a-b-e is a comin’ for you
OMG I think I’m going to die this shit’s hilarious! Is this for real?
PLEASE tell me this isn’t for real it’s SO FUNNY.
please let this be a joke holY SHIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT STUPID??
Just because a band is talented and get the recognision they deserve doesn’t mean they sold their soul to satan to do it. This whole article is utter bollocks you can’t even come up with believable lies