What is a Maroon 5?
Maroon 5 is a sex pop rock band from the heathen capital of the world, Los Angeles. The band started while they were in high school and was led by the now infamous, Adam Levine. Adam recruited some of his boy’s room pot smoking buddies, Jesse Carmichael, Mickey Madden, Ryan Dusick to form their first attempt of a band and called it Kara’s Flowers, which referred to the first virginity that Adam removed from a young freshman named Kara. After 1997 they re-formed the band and added another one of their drug filled orgy party buddies, James Valentine, and pursued a new form of sex pop punk under the name Maroon 5. Rising to success without any real work, it is believed that Adam Levine sold his soul to the devil and was able to turn their first released album into a mega hit.
So what does their name mean? Does it have something to do with Adam’s blood pact with Satan? Should the name strike fear into the hearts of all God fearing Americans? Yes. Remember, maroon is Satan’s favorite color and is also the color of the monthly secreting ooze that discharges from a woman’s baby door and is the same color of Satan’s favorite medical procedure, the abortion of a full of life fetus. Satan drools with pleasure when a baby is forcefully removed from the female’s incubator and goes into a masturbatory frenzy every time. So, we can gather the word “Maroon” in their name refers to the act of pre-meditated abortion and we know for a fact that the “5” means that the five members of the band support the notion that women should get pregnant, only to partake in a baby homicide to gain popularity from their family and friends via sympathy. At the same time, due to Adam’s contract with Satan, he agreed to force as many woman as possible to commit this atrocious act so Satan could collect more souls to power his fire pit of agony.
Also, let us not forget the fact they have played at every Coachella Fest and Electric Daisy Carnival, where they pollute your children with their sex fueled music, intoxicating them with thoughts of interracial sex and ecstasy use. Every time this band plays are one of the rave parties, they turn it into their own movie entitled “Night if the living Fornicators”.
This siren of Satan, is not the only pop rocker in his family. He is the brother of early 2000’s emo pop star, Avril Lavine. After seeing his sister’s failure at creating a music career, Adam gave his soul to Satan so he could become a famous rock star covered in musky sex sin and gluttonous amounts of money. In return Satan gave Adam the ability to use his voice and sex hip gyrations to swoon females into quick late night penetration games, as well granted Adam enough money to bask in until his soul is collected in 2054. This is also why Adam is the only famous member of the band. No one really knows or cares about the other band members, as they are just props in Adam’s and Satan’s plan to spread back stage sex and fetal abortions across the world. The whole band revolves around Adam, as he is the piper and his band members are the rats who follow his sweet serenade of demonic plague.
Adam’s main goal is to cause a fornication outbreak among America and infiltrator the baby crevice of every woman, by convincing women to flag their souls with an abortion status. Adam’s trick is to use his moves and harpy voice to entice women with urges to be vandalized, get pregnant and than have them void the growing life force within them. He refers to this move as a “F*** and Suck”, which means he wants the woman to have sexual acts and than have their baby sucked out of them by Satan’s hoover of death.
Besides being eye candy for homosexuals, teenage girls and spreading fetus in Planned Parenthood alleyways, Adam has teamed up with long time girlfriend and illegal alien Christina “Krispy Kreme” Aguilera, to release a new song praising his own reign of terror. The song is called “Moves Like Jagger” and talks about how he uses body pulsations and penile gyrations like Mick Jagger to tempt women into his bed of future fetal denigration.