Does Maroon 5 Have Moves Like Satan?

What is a Maroon 5?

Maroon 5 is a sex pop rock band from the heathen capital of the world, Los Angeles. The band started while they were in high school and was led by the now infamous, Adam Levine. Adam recruited some of his boy’s room pot smoking buddies, Jesse Carmichael, Mickey Madden, Ryan Dusick to form their first attempt of a band and called it Kara’s Flowers, which referred to the first virginity that Adam removed from a young freshman named Kara. After 1997 they re-formed the band and added another one of their drug filled orgy party buddies, James Valentine, and pursued a new form of sex pop punk under the name Maroon 5. Rising to success without any real work, it is believed that Adam Levine sold his soul to the devil and was able to turn their first released album into a mega hit.

So what does their name mean? Does it have something to do with Adam’s blood pact with Satan? Should the name strike fear into the hearts of all God fearing Americans? Yes. Remember, maroon is Satan’s favorite color and is also the color of the monthly secreting ooze that discharges from a woman’s baby door and is the same color of Satan’s favorite medical procedure, the abortion of a full of life fetus. Satan drools with pleasure when a baby is forcefully removed from the female’s incubator and goes into a masturbatory frenzy every time. So, we can gather the word “Maroon” in their name refers to the act of pre-meditated abortion and we know for a fact that the “5” means that the five members of the band support the notion that women should get pregnant, only to partake in a baby homicide to gain popularity from their family and friends via sympathy. At the same time, due to Adam’s contract with Satan, he agreed to force as many woman as possible to commit this atrocious act so Satan could collect more souls to power his fire pit of agony.

Also, let us not forget the fact they have played at every Coachella Fest and Electric Daisy Carnival, where they pollute your children with their sex fueled music, intoxicating them with thoughts of interracial sex and ecstasy use. Every time this band plays are one of the rave parties, they turn it into their own movie entitled “Night if the living Fornicators”.

Who is Adam Lavin?

This siren of Satan, is not the only pop rocker in his family. He is the brother of early 2000’s emo pop star, Avril Lavine. After seeing his sister’s failure at creating a music career, Adam gave his soul to Satan so he could become a famous rock star covered in musky sex sin and gluttonous amounts of money. In return Satan gave Adam the ability to use his voice and sex hip gyrations to swoon females into quick late night penetration games, as well granted Adam enough money to bask in until his soul is collected in 2054. This is also why Adam is the only famous member of the band. No one really knows or cares about the other band members, as they are just props in Adam’s and Satan’s plan to spread back stage sex and fetal abortions across the world. The whole band revolves around Adam, as he is the piper and his band members are the rats who follow his sweet serenade of demonic plague.

Adam’s main goal is to cause a fornication outbreak among America and infiltrator the baby crevice of every woman, by convincing women to flag their souls with an abortion status. Adam’s trick is to use his moves and harpy voice to entice women with urges to be vandalized, get pregnant and than have them void the growing life force within them. He refers to this move as a “F*** and Suck”, which means he wants the woman to have sexual acts and than have their baby sucked out of them by Satan’s hoover of death.

Besides being eye candy for homosexuals, teenage girls and spreading fetus in Planned Parenthood alleyways, Adam has teamed up with long time girlfriend and illegal alien Christina “Krispy Kreme” Aguilera, to release a new song praising his own reign of terror. The song is called “Moves Like Jagger” and talks about how he uses body pulsations and penile gyrations like Mick Jagger to tempt women into his bed of future fetal denigration.

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57 thoughts on “Does Maroon 5 Have Moves Like Satan?

  1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

    I do not even know where you are getting this information about Maroon 5 promoting abortions from. I have listened to many of their songs, and have yet to hear a single lyric about abortions.

    And, by the way, the name of the song is “Moves Like Jagger.” As in Mick Jagger.

    Reply
    1. Albert Toppers

      You’re already putting too much thought into this demonic spawn of Satan band. Deacon Bowers was brave enough to risk his soul researching this piece and settled it once and for all. We need not worry our souls henceforth.

      Let Satan deal with these fools.

      Reply
        1. Albert Toppers

          Just because you are going to hell does not mean everyone does. Hell is reserved for the WICKED! The Godly, holy-crew of Christwire writers and supporters will be playing ‘bozo buckets’ in heaven with JESUS!

          Reply
          1. L.N

            You mean they’ll be tortured and wish their existence never happened while they’re in Hell, because there’s no way a bunch of xenophobic, racist, sexist pedophiles would go to Heaven.

      1. JessBVB

        You realize Mr. Clown, he obviously did not do research because Avril Levine and Adam Levine are not related. They do not have the same parents and they aren’t even from the same country.

        Reply
  2. Timmay

    Very enlightening, brother Tyson. That Maroon 5 promotes this comes as no surprise to me; however, seeing the low rate of such thoughts in the emosexual cult was shocking! I expect their rate to be similar to M5’s… But figures never lie!

    Reply
    1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

      You know that 98% of statistics on the internet are made up. And 100% of statistics on this site alone are made up. So….ye.

      Reply
      1. Timmay

        I will conclude then that your statement “100% of statistics on this site alone are made up” has a 98% chance of being false.

        Reply
        1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

          Actually, the entire statement is false. Well, everything but the part about this site having no truthful statistics at all.

          Reply
  3. Beautiful Outcast

    Wow.. You.. guys.. are.. retarded,,, just sayin.,.. Maroon 5 has NEVER promoted abortion. They actually disapprove of it. In fact, its people like you guys that make people want to be rid of Christianity. You simply want to control the media ways and make everything all hunky dory. This song was done all in fun. Something you truly have never had. Your all psychotic, truly you are.
    Your creating these “statistics” out of your bum.

    Reply
  4. Albert Toppers

    I’ve always argued these same points. It’s great to finally have some rock solid research to lean on in my debates with science-hugging atheists.

    I’m amazed your team collected the data so fast, Deacon Bowers – “kudos” to the interns! The flock is really taking flight!

    Reply
      1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

        No, he honestly believes that this bullshit is real. I know, right? Who would have thought that the clown was an idiot. Oh. Right. Everyone.

        Reply
          1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

            You know you can call me by my name, right? Oh, right, you’re too stupid to realize that I’m Damien. Stupid clown.

          2. Get a Life Dracula

            Wow, Cassy, you really cant read can you? It says “Oh, right, you’re too stupid to realize that I’m Damien.” There is a period there and then the next statement is “Stupid clown.”

            And now, you have just proven how truly stupid you really are.

      2. Albert Toppers

        I say what I mean and I mean what I say, L.N. Unlike you heathens I don’t sell out my morals for whatever is the “flavor of the week.” Disgusting.

        Reply
        1. L.N

          What the fuck? What was with the ‘flavor of the week’ bit, and the fact is you’re just a lying piece of scum. Maybe if you stopped raping children, Clownboy, you’d realize that.

          Reply
          1. Albert Toppers

            Please watch your language. This is a family site. By “flavor of the week,” I was referring to your affection for the choice of homogayness.

          2. L.N

            You don’t choose to be gay jackass. Can you understand that much? Or is that too much truth for you to comprehend?

        2. Oscar

          This coming from a clown! Are you sure you don’t use that costume to lure little kids into your web of deceive and lack of self steem because they outcasted you in high school or maybe because your parents weren’t all there? seriously get help clown!!!

          Reply
  5. haters can burn in hell (yeah i said it!)

    ‘is also the color of the monthly secreting ooze that discharges from a woman’s baby door’ this is called a period, this happens monthly when u dont have sex, isnt that a good thing?

    Reply
  6. Cassidy Pen

    Moron5 is also a drug band. My son came home from one of their concerts smelling of marijuana. The only way I found out was because of my buddy Jay who is a police and happened to drop by for beers. He told me that the smell of reak was all over my boy. I would never had let him go to any rock and roll concert because of the warnings that I’ve read on this website but my estranged wife was totally open to the idea and granted permission to him. Just wait until she gets home from work.

    She’ll get a little of what my boy got.

    Reply
    1. L.N

      So you blame a band for decisions that someone else made? How typical of you people, avoid being blamed and blame someone else.

      Reply
    2. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

      So, what does “reak” mean? It’s not a word. At least not in the English language. And, honestly, I highly doubt that anything you said there is true. You look like a creepy graveyard creeper, and I highly doubt that anyone would go near you, let alone fuck you and have a kid with you.

      Reply
        1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

          When was that? And, my G-d, are you really that obsessed with men’s asses? Especially mine. You and Steve need to lay off the drink for a while. It brings out the uglier side of you.

          Reply
          1. Cassidy Pen

            Omen boy, that was a lousy return shot. The line judge ruled it wide. Go sit down and pout. And take the rest of the set off, Serena.

          2. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

            WTF? Can you speak English? Or even Hebrew. Either one is fine with me. Cause I understood you, but you make no sense. You avoid the question, and then use random tennis lingo to try and make your point. You sir, have hit into a fault. you lose.

          1. Stop Blocking Me Jackass, The Jew

            Um, clownboy, go fuck another little kid, and then die in a fiery pit. Thank you.

            Additionally, please stop talking. It is really annoying when you chime in where you are not needed.

  7. order 66

    is this site a joke or is it just run by nut jobs in the mental home who are there because they seid “god” told them to kill?

    Reply
  8. Lost and Found

    Lordy! I had no idea that talentless glee club Maroon 5 was responsible for the alarming rise in God unsponsored( for when the Lord creates an instant prenatal trip to Heaven, it is called a ‘mis-carriage’) abortions.

    That big, purple-headed monster that is abortions for 2010 in the last bar graph looks alarmingly like a P-E-N-I-S. This can’t be by mere chance. It’s the work of the Dark Prince(and by that I don’t mean that nancy boy that penned that evil ‘Purple Rain’ either). It is Satan.

    Thank Jesus for this website!
    Glory!

    Reply
  9. Sunshine is for fairytales

    Yea. You know that little thing about 0% of Christians thinking about getting abortions? I know 3 girls (all Christians) that have gotten abortions and many that say they would if they were pregnant. So you might want to reconsider the bullshit. Kay? Oh and as for Maroon 5 being the cause for abortions, the cause for those levels rising is hormonal teenagers making stupid choices and getting knocked up. Please stop pulling lies and false data out of your up-tight asses. A-fucking-men.

    Reply
  10. Oscar

    I don’t know how I got into this website, but what a trip. I must have typed psycho, get help, retarded or stupid. Oh well! the real disturbing part here is that they allow this kind of websites. Good luck with your issues to everyone.

    Reply
  11. Adeeb

    Thumb if funnyjunk sent you here. And you think whoever wrote this has a brain aneurism. AND if you think whoever agrees has a brain haemorrage =D

    Reply
  12. Herbert Fany

    Addressing the title of this “News Article”. How can you know if Maroon 5 has “moves like satan”? If they have moves like Satan, you would have to have seen Satan’s alleged moves. If you were to see Satan’s alleged moves, you would have to have seen Satan. If you have seen Satan, you must have committed sin or adultery, which is EXACTLY what you “good, moral, and righteous, racist, sexist, xenophobic, beastophile, pedophile, necrophile” Christians are trying to prevent. Hypocrites.

    Reply
  13. The gamer

    We’re the fuck did you get this 1 Adam Levine is not related to arvil lavine 2 they have never have spoken or hinted of abortions 3 how the fuck do you know Adam Levine will die in 2054 and 4 you are full of your self and didn’t even research any of this there are so many errors in this article we all know you threw a bunch of shit together

    Reply
  14. Adam Lavine

    Where are you getting your information at man? This is nuts! First off his sister Avril Lavigne?? What?! They aren’t related their names aren’t even spelt the same and she’s from Canada. Lol and “hip gyrations” is it the ’50s. Think you should do some research before making a blog about stuff you don’t know.

    Reply

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