Category Archives: Faith

Man Marries Dead Girlfriend – Gay Marriage to Blame

We all warned you that if The Gays were allowed to marry that all Hell would break lose and people would start to marry random things. Well this past week a man married his dead girlfriend and was deemed legal. We can only imagine it is only a matter of weeks that sick gay NAMBLA members will be walking down the isle with their little boy lovers only to be shortly followed by homosexuals wanting to marry their mini poodles.

People always ask this question “What harm could gay marriage do?”, well just look at the photos below and you’ll have your answer. Can you believe the USA is now allowing zombie like marriages. Can you believe it is only a matter of time before marriage will be a contest of who can marry the most ridiculous thing? Lamp marriages, pony marriages, cardboard cutout marriages and maybe even gay ecstasy tripping unicorn marriages.

Why Are Parents Letting Their Teens Attend the Coachella 2012 Pot Smoking Black Sodomy Orgy?

Children who attend Coachella 2012 will be exposed to forceful anal sex intrusion while sinfully high on hydraulic Pontiac chronic, supplied by chocolate skinned urban dope dealing assassins. This year’s ring leaders are no other than hipped hopped’s deadliest homicide duel and ghetto thug kingpins, Snoopy Dogg and Dr. Drea. These two gangstas are trying to dip their menthol marinated, mocha fingers into the panties of America’s youthful white women via pot smoke and potty mouth music beats and at the same time training your young boys into lowering their goals to become minimum wage working nobodies.

These two king blacks will be brainwashing your porcelain skinned babies with melodies of cannabis musk and welfare pornography. This year’s Coachella is allowing them to bring their thuggary streets to white America’s front porch and your children will be coaxed into becoming future $2 Compton hookers and pimps waiting on their street corners looking to partake in thievery and cracked coke caned slobbery.

Twitter hashtags will not be streaming typical hipster festival party talk, no, Twitter feeds will be tagged with graphic vulgarities like, #4shizzled, #luvmezsumpotz, #justhadbuttsecs, #westcoastSodomyFTW #Ihatebeingwhite and #Looking4sumHos. Pot is known to drive women into wanting to dip their feet into the world of Sodomy and Snoopy Dogg and Dr. Drea will be encouraging your young princesses to post thousands of bandwidths worth of Twitpic photos of themselves tampering with pot smoking anal orgies to their food line friends in hopes of scoring some free amateur demon whacking materials.

The beer gardens will not be filled with America’s favorite beverages, instead it will be flooded with Mad Dawg and Old English 40 ounce bottles. This is the devil nectar that blacks use to quince their thirst from a long days worth of pot smoking and sexual taint tickling.

Two things threaten America, pot smoking hipped hoppers who try to lurk inside your daughter’s baby doors and sodomy. Both are creeping their hands up Lady Liberty’s virgin thighs and we as guardians of our children’s future must stop festivals that promote lazy black drug smoking lifestyles and festivals that teach our children to have sodomy styled sex acts.

Before allowing your sweetheart to go off to Coachella, just remember do you want your daughter’s milky nutrition tanks fondled by thousands of strangers and have their fecal cavern trained by sweaty hipsters and nappy headed Harlem hobbits?

What Pubic Hair Says About a Woman

The sexual area of a female is an area of musky clotting and secreting mystery, but did you know you can tell a lot about a female just by doing a quick inspection of her public lawn care? No, not the kind of lawn care that Juan and his three sons do on your two acre yard, but the type of care the modern women feels forced to do to keep up the false American beauty that liberal Hollywood rapingly injects into their feeble woman minds. Below is a list of the most common pubic hair practices that females do today. Each one can tell you if you have a whoring woman, a late night lesbian whorelet or a “clean cut” Christian crusader.

The triangle is the international symbol for a fish cave worshiping whorelet who likes to perform licking mouth sex acts on another clam dabbling musky crack hunter. If you notice that your girlfriend or wife has started to trim this geometrical shape above her puff pillow, be sure that she is out late at night diving tongue first into a linguistic lust orgy with other women at some kind of leather BBW back ally pink party.

The strip or also known as a “landing strip” is exactly to mean what it is called. It is a runway for massive amounts of penile planes to come land inside the runway or moist and whorish sin. This symbol of open leggedness is becoming more and more common in college life and is highly promoted on internet torrent adult video sites. It is told that 7 out of 10 college females walk freely with their canker blossom decorated with a strip that beckons the friendship of multiple sin staffs.

When these women see the follicles of womanhood start growing, they rush to the bathroom to Venus razor shave them away. This hair style is purely to get rid of some type of lice or crustacean virus they contracted during a night of Satan nectar and copious amounts of devil DNA injection. These type of women are also to be said to flick their blood bulge 89% more often than regular masturbating female sinners. If your GF or wife has this mark they have a pubic sickness and have been throwing their neighbor of anus around frat parties like it is some kind of fleshy party favor. It has also been proven that women who go bald also partake in tainting their turd tunnels.

Women who cut initials into their downstairs hair are showing a sign of ownership of the person whose name starts with the letter carved into their blood sewer’s toupee. This is a act against God, as he is the only owner of the female’s baby hole. The female’s insides are for one thing and one thing only; to create life from God’s touch. It is not to be L.A. gangbanger styled tagged with a man or women’s ownership.

Full Eve
This is how women are suppose to be groomed, fully covered by God’s intended design. The design that Eve sported during her times in the Garden of Eden and even after she caused the world be sent into a whirlwind of sin, death, war, high taxes and liberalism. A man’s duty is to protect the woman’s mind, body and soul. This includes her pubic area. It is a man’s role to make sure his wife, girlfriend or sweetheart has the proper presentation of her body and that means while clothed and unclothed. Just like how you wouldn’t want your woman walking out of the house with he sin treats hanging out to temp other men with thoughts of demon whacking, you shouldn’t allow your woman to molest her sin cave with razors and tweezers like it is some kind of home and garden project or TLC.

51 Christian Friendly Words for Testicles

  1. Taint’s hanging chin
  2. The itchy turkey neck
  3. Pubic pouch
  4. Lazy pilgrims
  5. Penis brain
  6. DNA capsules
  7. Fleshy elf bags
  8. Droopy lemon tarts
  9. Sin snake venom sacs
  10. Sperm boiled eggs
  11. Shaft tonsils
  12. English tea bags
  13. Bald chicken
  14. Pudding package
  15. Florida hairy speed bags
  16. Devil plums
  17. Sweaty toad bellies
  18. Penile baggage
  19. Bearded baby balloons
  20. Spermy mini cannonballs
  21. Life rocks
  22. Sagging sludge bunker
  23. Ejaculate storage
  24. God’s nectar cellar
  25. Ivory mucus pocket
  26. Muck marbles
  27. Pasty scum vault
  28. One eyed hiker’s backpack
  29. Frosting bag
  30. Beef cherries
  31. Squirt muscle
  32. Farmer’s potato sac
  33. Musky candy bags
  34. Satan scepter undercarriage
  35. Oval slop canisters
  36. Vein pillows
  37. Swollen mud tanks
  38. Jars of man milk
  39. Sex mustard chamber
  40. Pale butter vats
  41. Seed purse
  42. Duffel bag of toothpaste
  43. Cream satchel
  44. Genetic swimming hole
  45. Baby gravy boat
  46. Organic mayo sacs
  47. Chowder tote
  48. Richard’s carry-on
  49. Man’s tackle box
  50. Dangling pumpkins
  51. Mischief bulge

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts
51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation
51 Christian Friendly Words for butthole
51 Christian Friendly Words for Female Masturbation

Tucker Max is a Closeted Mumble Anus

What do you get when you mix a college drop out and a pile of homosexuality, you get a flamboyant and closeted homo gay by the name of Tucker Max.

Tucker Max is your typical “bro” who masquerades in the diseases infested shadows of homosexuality. While setting up college campus tours, he is at the same time setting up fraternity gay orgies that allow him to partake in plundering the colon caverns of copious amounts of college man anus. This type of college like rape game is called “bromoing” and Tucker is the ring master when it comes to pumping for Satan oil from the drugged out bodies of rush week hopefuls.

You might know Tucker for his poorly written fiction novels, that tell a story of a boy who has sinful adventures with bi-sexual midgets and drunk Wall Street workers. Each book is filled with vulgarity and sexual content that even a admin would ban from their forum if it was posted on their website. These books are purely a way for Tucker to cover up his homosexual urges and make it seem like he has a new woman on his DNA rifle every night. If you read in between the lines, you will see that these books scream “I like musky man candy rub across my forehead after a full round of power bottoming” and his West Hollywood hair cut even tops off our suspicions. Why do you think his book was called “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell”? It is because he knows God sends gays to hell and he knows his soul is going there for punishment for his mud goblin hunting sins.

His books spew more leaky fecal slug than his overly abused sewer hole, which says a lot, since his weak anal muscles are unable to hold any bowel movements from all the penile assassinations it is has been a part of. His winking eye is like a Piñata at a Mexican Fiesta de Quinceañera, but instead of Mexicans, it is long lines of prison like black men and HSSS.TV fans; buff, angry and looking to vigorously devour some taint eye.

Tucker, you do know we now live in a world that allows gays to roam freely without being stoned or burnt at the stake. Why don’t you come out of the closet and start writing books about homo sex and interior design tips. I think you and that frolicking homo gay ass ninja, Tosh.homo, would make a great couple.

This Is How You Advertise For A Safe Childhood

What happens when you make anti-drug PSAs about gaying? The below images are postcards for you to print out or use the html coding to post it on your Facebook and MySpace pages. The first step to removing gay, is to educate about gay. Together we can beat this sickness.


If you feel your child has dabbled in some gay, please contact your local church and schedule a counselling meeting. Most likely your child has been exposed via public school, video games or song and dance TV shows. Only your pastor or priest will know how to cure this demon that has enter your child’s soul.


51 Christian Friendly Words for Female Masturbation

  1. Forcing moisture
  2. Rubbing the turkey wattle
  3. Ringing Satan’s doorbell
  4. Itching the fish goblin
  5. Making sticky
  6. Self stabbing
  7. Playing with the three finger penis
  8. Faking creation
  9. Dabbling the clam’s pearl
  10. Solo finger dancing
  11. Running circles around the flesh bump
  12. Playing vaginal sign language
  13. Finger painting the musky hitchhiker
  14. Hitting the speed bag
  15. Planting tulips
  16. Mining for the flesh diamond
  17. Stirring yogurt
  18. Tipping the canoe
  19. Dampening the soft pillow
  20. Plucking the peach field
  21. Secreting the blood gash
  22. Opening the escape hatch
  23. Kneading the dough ball
  24. Tickling the tangy turtle shell
  25. Downstairs Indian rug burning
  26. Smearing the swollen gush button
  27. Glazing the fish doughnut
  28. Poking at The Humpback of Notre Dame
  29. Polishing the drippy crack
  30. Dancing in soggy sin
  31. Ringing the throbbing bell
  32. Petting the sin knob
  33. Tainting the little princess
  34. Massaging the poison knot
  35. Feeling the hidden tumor
  36. Scrambling eggs
  37. Raiding God’s hen house
  38. Slapping Sally
  39. Hitting the old catcher’s mitt
  40. Flapping the meat nugget
  41. Flicking the blood bulge
  42. Climbing the furry beef dome
  43. Popping the headless zit
  44. Irrigating the secret garden
  45. Playing banjo
  46. Peeking behind the baby curtains
  47. Digging in your purse
  48. Whipping up underwear pudding
  49. Sending an urge telegraph
  50. Punching the meat eye
  51. North Dakota shake down

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts
51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation
51 Christian Friendly Words for butthole

Masturbation 51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation



1. Post a comment on our Facebook page. Our Holy Facebook Page
2. Have your friends vote for you by posting under your comment.
3. Person with the most votes at the end of the week wins a FREE copy.

Good luck and God bless!

“I’m the anti-ChristWire.” –Howard Stern

“It’s so good–and people on the Internet are so insane that no one gets it.” –Village Voice

“In the world of ChristWire. . .the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage.” –New York Magazine

“The leading Internet site for ultraconservative Christian news, commentary, and weather reportage.” –The New York Times

“ChristWire’s genius (or evil) lies in its hypberbolic, worst-case scenario, Christian coverage of everything.” –

51 Christian Friendly Words for Butthole

  1. Anus dumpster
  2. Sewer hole
  3. Demon tunnel
  4. Chocolate spoke
  5. Sewer spout
  6. Fecal Cavern
  7. Mud goblet
  8. Crumpled swamp
  9. Brown gremlin air hole
  10. Feces muscle
  11. Taint’s vomit hole
  12. Fly yogurt dispenser
  13. Musky mumbler
  14. Homosexual’s harpoon target
  15. Satan’s stink eye
  16. The Harlem exit
  17. Grandmother’s syrup volcano
  18. Whistling black man
  19. Bruised bagel
  20. Back door belly button
  21. Michael Moore’s mouth
  22. Pudding blowhole
  23. Dribble dangus
  24. Neighbor of taint
  25. Black banana gun
  26. Gassy yawner
  27. Chocolate hot dog hallway
  28. Squinting scat squinter
  29. The rude sneezer
  30. Corny harvester
  31. The dirty cyclops
  32. Birther of turd
  33. Human tree ring
  34. Flesh donut
  35. Winking brownie door
  36. The angry hot pocket
  37. Backwards vacuum
  38. Lincoln’s log maker
  39. The drunken jazz player
  40. Monkey’s ammo pouch
  41. Dirty starfish
  42. Human fudge pincher
  43. Rusted Star of David
  44. Yoda’s forehead
  45. Wonka’s waste chute
  46. Sin socket
  47. Mouth of ass
  48. Quivering mud daisy
  49. Doo-doo cannon
  50. Excrement ejaculater
  51. James Brown

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals
51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex
51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts
51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation

You can also watch Bryan Blake’s “Christian Phrases with Bryan Blake”:

51 Christian Friendly Words for Anal Sex

  1. Sin docking
  2. Fecal jousting
  3. Reverse deification
  4. Cramming the flirt-grill
  5. Spearing the chocolate starfish
  6. Mud gagging
  7. Pumping for Satan oil
  8. Fanny frolicking
  9. Plowing the fecal farm
  10. Poking the rude muscle
  11. Tainting the turd tunnel
  12. Mangling brown booty cakes
  13. Plundering the colon cavern
  14. Fondling Fred
  15. Surfing the feces freeway
  16. Alabama Irish shave
  17. Occupying the log cabin
  18. Packing the mud musket
  19. Playing Canadian Mounties
  20. Stirring bum fudge
  21. Impaling the anus
  22. Agitating the winking eye
  23. Defiling the Star of David
  24. Rectal harpooning
  25. Visiting Harlem
  26. Slurring the puking gorge
  27. Playing with the spoiled onion
  28. Mashing the sewer hole
  29. Groping the Mexican finger trap
  30. Tickling the bladder
  31. Bashing the flatulent tuba
  32. Double-crossing the “vagina
  33. Ripping the chowder head
  34. Marinating in fecal mucus
  35. Buffing the big wheel
  36. Playing in devil sauce
  37. Fecal curdling
  38. Invading Africa
  39. The prison dance
  40. Angering the corn dragon
  41. Greek handshake
  42. Danish leap frog
  43. Compton drive by
  44. Turnpike surprise
  45. Portuguese karate punch
  46. Skipping the fish dinner
  47. Fishing in the yuck hole
  48. San Francisco hemorrhoid massage
  49. Beating the crumpled eye
  50. Wearing a brown wig
  51. Filling the prairie hole

BONUS: Searching for mud hobbits.

Also view:
51 Christian Friendly Words for vagina
51 Christian Friendly Words for penis
51 Christian Friendly Words for sexual intercourse
51 Christian Friendly Words for Homosexuals

51 Christian Friendly Words for Sexual Intercourse

We have noticed a lot of vulgar usage of the word “sex” or “sexual intercourse” on our site and social websites and would ask if you could please use one of the following Christian friendly words below instead. Also, please refer to our “vagina” and “penis” articles, so you can educate yourself on proper vaginal and penile terms.

  1. Sin docking
  2. Creation colliding
  3. Feeding the dragon
  4. Taming Eve
  5. Slaying the fish monster
  6. DNA injection
  7. Reading Shakespeare
  8. Spongy toad poking
  9. Cooking the turkey
  10. One eye claw qualling
  11. Saucy flirt grilling
  12. Satan’s lullaby
  13. Bashing the barnacle
  14. Gut hugging
  15. Woman’s duty
  16. Attacking Normandy
  17. Cooking with Betty Crocker
  18. Exploring the fish cave
  19. Man’s release
  20. Parting the red sea
  21. Figgle Farming
  22. Cracking the canker-blossom
  23. Jesus punching
  24. Cleaning the babies pathway
  25. Playing with the cat
  26. Tickling the oyster
  27. Milking the man staff
  28. Fancy slip in slide
  29. Secret wiggle
  30. Piping the yeasty barrel
  31. Feeding Miss Thompson
  32. Womb depositing
  33. Painting the temple
  34. Seeding the garden
  35. Satan’s peep show
  36. Twiddle rompus warming
  37. Reverse milking
  38. Baby injecting
  39. One eyed onion thrusting
  40. Hunting for dewberries
  41. Gagging the baby sewer
  42. Adam’s right
  43. God’s thundering tickle
  44. Splitting the wishbone
  45. Naughty waffling
  46. Phallic jousting
  47. Alabama genie rubbing
  48. Twaddle prodding
  49. Making Cosbys (this one is for black people)
  50. Clamdabbling (this one is for lesbians)
  51. Making AIDs (this one is for gays)

Please add your own in the comments below

51 Christian Friendly Words for Penis

We have noticed a lot of vulgar usage of the word “penis” on our site and social websites and would ask if you could please use one of the following Christian friendly words below instead. Also, please refer to our “vagina” article, so you can educate yourself on proper vaginal terms.

  1. Satan scepter
  2. God’s pinky finger
  3. Twiddle rompus
  4. Twaddle stick
  5. Flesh sword
  6. Rod of life
  7. DNA rifle
  8. Colorado spitting viper
  9. Master dangle
  10. Tadpole torpedo
  11. Life muscle
  12. Fleshy Roman spear
  13. Sin stick
  14. Johnson’s little fishing buddy
  15. Love lure
  16. Dwaddle vein
  17. Zulu chucking spear (this is for black people)
  18. Sin snake
  19. Squirt dart
  20. Malt-worm
  21. Puking flesh weasel
  22. Unmuzzled wagtail
  23. Beefy apple-Johnny
  24. Moses’ staff
  25. Pommel horse
  26. Fat-kidney bean
  27. God’s harpoon
  28. Tickle dangus
  29. Danish dizzy eye
  30. Henry’s knob
  31. Temptation wand
  32. Mister Thomas
  33. Roman pike
  34. Baker’s rolling pin
  35. Satan’s shovel
  36. Micheal’s short arm
  37. Secret lollipop
  38. Trap-stick
  39. Demon capped hankle (for non-circumcised males)
  40. Magic tobacco pipe
  41. Pan’s flute
  42. Cupid’s arrow
  43. Vaginal plug
  44. Venus ruler
  45. Oozing whistle
  46. Meat banana
  47. Gobble missile
  48. Tangy tart trombone
  49. City slicker
  50. Musky man candy
  51. Drizzle spout

Please add your own in the comments below

51 Christian Friendly Words for Vagina

We have noticed a lot of vulgar usage of the word “vagina” on our site and social websites and would ask if you could please use one of the following Christian friendly words below instead.

  1. Puff Pillow
  2. Fish Cave
  3. Baby Door
  4. Eve’s Tunnel
  5. Satan’s Doorbell (Clitoral muscle)
  6. Reverse Blowhole
  7. Skin Wand Scarf
  8. Egg Crate
  9. Bullet Wound
  10. Sin Flower
  11. Moist Camel Hump
  12. Harpy Nest
  13. Canker Blossom
  14. Silk Barnacle
  15.  Flap Dragon
  16. Clapper Claw
  17. Birth Cavern
  18. Flesh Wrap
  19. DNA Catcher
  20. Frothy Creek
  21. Satan’s Trap
  22. Sin Muscle
  23. Folded Flesh Leaf
  24. Harpoon Target
  25. Slurpin’ Salmon
  26. Devil’s Fun Slide
  27. Ovary Hallway
  28. Whispering Eye
  29. Secret Fish Forest
  30. Cat in The Hat
  31. Sin Sliver
  32. Devil Sponge
  33. Baby Portal
  34. Warm Potato
  35. Snake Trap
  36. Blood Sewer
  37. Twaddle Dandy
  38. Magic Crepe
  39. Satan’s Rose Bud
  40. Clack-dish
  41. Neighbor of Anus
  42. Pink Jello Box
  43. Rank Weasel
  44. Stripped Monkey
  45. Front Business
  46. Man’s Gift
  47. Wizard Sleeve
  48. The Liquid Slip
  49. Fleshy Fault Line
  50. Pink Velveeta Shell
  51. The Pubic Pub

Please add your own in the comments below

Sinning Lesson From Deacon Tyson Bowers III

1. Take a piece of paper and crumple it up, stomp on it and really mess it up, but don’t rip it.

2. Unfold the paper, smooth it out and look how scarred and dirty it is.

3. Now tell the piece of paper you are sorry and try really hard to make the paper look like it did before you abused it.

4. Notice that no matter how hard you try, you can’t undo the damage of the abuse, no matter how hard you flatten out the creased paper.

This is what homosexuality does to your spirit. No matter how hard you try to fix what you have done to your body, the scar still remain on your soul and Jesus can not forgive you for that. So before you fold and crumple your body with gay sin docking creases, remember that you can try and pretend it never happened and might be able to tell everyone you are sorry, the fact is, those marks of sin will never go away.